AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

I’d be really annoyed if I was your husband. I’d have been thinking you had some sort of medical condition, listening and sympathising with you about your unexplained weight gain, when all along you were lying, over eating and knew that was the cause of your weight gain.

wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

This sums it up. You have no idea what honesty is. You have not been honest. You admitted it when he challenged you. You have been repeatedly lying to him.

I would be disappointed if I were yiur husband. It is up to the individual what they eat, but if I'd listened to many conversations about why have I put weight on etc, I'd be annoyed. If you want to stop this, eat before you go out/ take something with you

You need to be gentle with yourself but you do need to examine why you have needed to eat junk food in secret for years. You know it's a bad habit and you know it's got to stop - but it won't stop until you address the unmet emotional needs that you have tried to smother with junk food.

I view eating junk food this frequently, hiding the wrappers and lying about weight gain as disordered eating. You also feel embarrassed. It’s not a healthy attitude towards food and he’s right to be concerned.

Reading about your eating habits and weight struggles saddened me and I did find it somewhat upsetting. And you (obviously) are not my wife or anyone I’m particularly close to, you’re just an internet stranger. So yes, I find it absolutely understandable that you DH - who loves you and cares about your well-being - found this quite upsetting.

I would be so worried if my DH struggled with any kind of addiction / chronic unhealthy and disordered behaviour and especially if he felt the need to keep it secret. I would wonder whether that’s due to him not trusting me, not wanting to actually deal with his addiction etc…

How often have you put him in a position of having to emotionally support and comfort you because of your negative feelings about your weight?

If, for example, you regularly had to prop him up and reassure him because he was self conscious about going bald, and then you found out he was shaving his hair off in secret, how would you feel?

It sounds like it would be helpful for you to get the process started for seeing a psychologist that works with eating disorders. They will be able to help you identify what has brought this on as well as give you strategies to cope with it. I also think that taking this step will demonstrate to him that you are taking it seriously and perhaps help soothe some of his hurt about it.

I know it’s hard, OP, but it sounds like him finding out and bringing it all into the open might have been the best thing to have happened. 💐

Grim stinky comment

So - you lied to him for years, yet when you complained to him about you putting on weight, you pretended you didnt know where it came from either and he was supportive? And you think this is a him problem - when you have lied and been deceitful for years?! If the genders were reversed - you would be absolutely savaged on here. And then going to say you wished you never were honest with him in the first place?! Are you incapable of being honest?

He's probably worried about you, that you are binge eating and developing these compulsive behaviours that are harmful to your health. I am dealing with the same thing with my teenage daughter. I am struggling to get her support. She is very defensive as well. I have spoken to CAHMS but they seemingly can't support this kind of eating disorder. I am so worried about my daughter but No one seems to be able to help.

I have friends who have put on a lot of weight over the years; almost always because of comfort / disordered eating as a (dysfunctional but entirely understandable) response to a load of shit they can't control happening in their lives. I do worry about their long term health -- especially as PP have pointed out, when you see people begin to lose their mobility and get breathless as a result of their overweight. As a life partner, where those things impact your day to day life .... I can see how you would have a view. I also know (lived experience) that no-one can fix or change this other than the person living through it; but as their life partner you also have to take a view about the role you will play in it all.

My H has a terrible diet and it really upsets me. He is not overweight but his diet is appalling and I worry about what it is doing to his long term health and how that might affect us as a family. Whilst he of course has bodily autonomy, it does also affect us as a family.

I hope your partner has highly tuned emotional intelligence and that you are both able to communicate lovingly and with respect. It's a really really difficult issue to navigate.

What is WLI?

Not hiding it exactly, but if I got a mc Donald’s at lunchtime I would get rid of the bag as quickly as possible and pretend it never happened. same with chocolate.
I don’t consult anyone before eating in my car either. I’m an adult. I don’t have to answer to anyone, but eating junk food is a hit embarrassing isn’t it?

But, in this case there is an issue because she is actually denying eating it and acting mystified at the weigh gain. That’s dishonesty.

Separately,
I don’t think it’s comparable to drinking alcohol at all, alcohol impairs a person / their driving and also you don’t actually have to drink any alcohol but you DO have to eat food to stay alive and it’s up to you to regulate that every day.

If you have an issue with food, it’s likely going to be even harder for you, because you still have to eat food every day and balance it. An alcoholic can say ‘10 days sober’ etc but people with binge eating disorder have to balance it for the rest of their lives. Both are hard in different ways I suppose.

Thank you

I just want to say again, i'm not denying my weight is an issue, i know it is at the level it is now and the impact its having on my fitness etc

It's interesting- there was a thread on here a few months ago on a similar subject that went a really different and surprising way (lots of people claiming that secret eating is normal and fun).

I imagine that your husband is worried about you more than anything. Any secret habit like this very quickly gets into a cycle of shame (shame about eating so doing it in secret, shame about gaining weight so claiming not to know the reason, shame about lying). Honestly, him finding out is probably the best thing that could have happened as it's a chance to come clean.

What do you think was the original driver of it? Have you ever had issues with food before? If you can afford it, you might think about seeing a therapist specialising in eating disorders. If not, I'd try tracking your emotions and whether you feel the urge to eat in response to them (nb not tracking what you eat). You might also read Beyond Chocolate- not a great name but a very useful book if you feel shame around food.

I would be as annoyed about this as if my partner was smoking in private. It's unhealthy and will affect your health in the future and if you have children that isn't fair. You need to stay healthy for them, if not for you. Your crap food habit is not a necessity.

Hi OP, no time to read everything so sorry if I'm repeating. Do you think you could be suffering from an eating disorder? It does sound possible to me (I work in this area, vaguely) and you might need to come at it from that angle to move forward with positive changes for yourself and also to help him understand the behaviours and how to support you.
Have a look at the beat website and please get some support. And ignore any judgy comments, you know this is an issue but if you are unwell you can't magic that away with sheer willpower whatever some people will want to tell you! But you can take positive steps to get support and ultimately recover.
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/binge-eating-disorder/
Good luck x

I started putting on weight after getting married, happiness/comfort I guess, then steadily put on more with my pregnancies and its just escalated from there especially since going back to work

I expect he is worried because hiding food like that and denying that you don't know how you are putting on weight suggests an eating disorder.
He is right to be concerned and the fact that you can't see that suggests that you do have issues around food.

I think if you're honest, it's easier to be angry at him now that you know he sees the real picture and its made you feel ashamed and embarrassed that someone no longer will "wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have."

It's OK to feel embarrassed and ashamed and its ok to est as you like, but I don't think you can be angry at him for feeling like a mug for reassuring you that you're a victim of a slow metabolism when you've secretly been eating.

OP you sound very unhappy and as if you are eating for comfort. I think you need to address the reasons for this.

No it’s not private that’s the thing… you don’t have to declare everything and people shouldn’t be grilling you about what you eat but for most people there’s nothing private or shameful about eating that means you feel the need to keep it private.

People laugh when you do that because you’re making a joke. That doesn’t mean others do it too.

Concern can often feel like blame or shame. Sometimes we get upset when we‘re actually worried. Is it possible that this is going on with your DH?

feeling that your spouse omitted anything they were (seriously) struggling with must be really difficult as well. Feeling betrayed (especially if you said that you couldn’t explain your weight gain), worried that you didn’t tell (wondering if there’s an underlying reason etc).

anyhow. Do you think you could use this as an opportunity to make changes and get help (be that therapy, support by a dietician)? Could you make a plan with your DH and stick to it?

My dh is like you, OP, and I’ve had a similar reaction to your dh in the past. My dh has struggled with his weight his entire life, and then gone on extreme diets (involving very disordered eating) to lose the weight. He’s lost between 10 and 13 stone at least twice since I met him (20+ years ago) and he did it at least twice before I met him. However, in between losing all this weight he binges on food in the same way you do. I rarely get into or look inside his work van as he parks it elsewhere, but there was one time (2years ago) that I did and when I opened the doors mountain of Macdonalds wrappers, Costa cups, takeaway boxes, crisp packets, chocolate wrappers, Krispy Kreme boxes and more spilled out all over the drive. It was horrendous. And the whole time he had been eating all this he’d been telling me he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t losing weight, crying because he hates the way he looks, giving me long lectures about healthy eating and what I should and shouldn’t be eating (I eat healthily and have never been overweight). He’s developed diabetes, sleep apnea, a bad back and a bad knee. His blood pressure isn’t great, and he’s on heart medication. He also bought me books about weight loss and told me to read them and let him know what he needed to be eating. I have spent years worrying myself sick that he’s going to have a heart attack or that he’ll stop breathing in the night. I have always been supportive of him and his weight loss journey but that day made me realise that I was putting more effort into his health than he was prepared to do himself, and that he’d been lying to me all that time about what he eats on a daily basis.

I love my dh so much however I now leave him to his own devices when it comes to food. I’m not listening to anymore lectures about healthy eating, I’m disinterested when he talks about food, I don’t care what he eats on a day to day basis. When he says he’s on a diet I wish him well but I won’t invest any time into his weight or health anymore. I’ve done it for 20+ years and he’s lied to me throughout that time.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your dh and listen to what he says, and he needs to listen to what you have to say as well. And then you need to come up with a plan to combat this disordered eating before you develop any nasty health conditions. I wish you well.