AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

It's the lying and deceit op.

I say this with a lot of understanding and respect OP as I’m a frequent car eater, but ignoring your DH’s response how do you feel about this type of eating? I suspect it’s not coming from a place of contentment and joy.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways

How is he wrong? You have been lying. You eat loads of junk then complain you’ve put on weight.

What do you expect people to say?

If he's as nice as you say, he's probably worried about you - so many wrappers might suggest to him there's an element of compulsion here.

Yep. Doesn't matter what its about deceit is a biggie.

Hopefully if you give him a bit of time, then apologise and explain you were feeling awful about it and didn't know how to share, he will understand.

But you need to be prepared to take responsibility, understand his feelings and not just get defensive.

I hope it all blows over.

It depends in what context you’ve been complaining to him I think- you mentioned “acting as if you have no idea why you’ve put weight on” - it would be nice to think we could be open with our partners about what’s going on with us, and I can see why someone might feel they had been deceived, but as someone who also struggles with my weight it would be almost impossible to share something like that. I’d be so excruciatingly embarrassed. An honest conversation where you explain why you haven’t been able to be honest or didn’t want to be might be due?

I would want to understand the why of his reaction because it could be that he’s disgusted by overeating - people pretend they’re not but it’s pretty engrained in our society and if that’s where his reaction is coming from I’d be furious.

Definite guilt, I know it isnt a good thing (I assume you can empathise/sympathise)

I agree it's the lying especially as you say he isn't controlling about what you eat. I say that as someone who sometimes hides what I eat so I understand why you do it it's the feeling of being judged.

I can very much relate to the behaviour that you've described and I understand why you would remove the evidence of what you had eaten in this way without you having to explain it to me. Been there.

He probably does feel a bit like he's been lied to or somehow misled. Would he understand if you explained that your relationship with food is disordered and complex, that you weren't trying to actively deceive or lie to him and you are sorry that he feels that way now?

People who have a straightforward relationship with food can find it hard to understand these kinds of behaviours.

DH used to do this. It was only when he lost the weight that he revealed the extent of what he had been consuming out of the house. It’s like an addiction I think, and hiding the evidence is sort of proof of that. I didn’t feel deceived as such, just upset that I’d been clueless and confused as to how he was getting so big when together his diet wasn’t that bad. But he was buying and eating whole cheesecakes on his work breaks and then throwing away the evidence. I’m just glad he’s overcome it now.

I think your DH is probably very worried, and rightly so.

He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on

This. You said he'd been supportive and yet you've been lying to him, when you well know why you've put weight on. Has he also done things like cook healthy meals or not had a takeaway or other food treat himself so it's easier for you to make good choices too?

I understand why he's upset and annoyed at the deceit. You know that all food you eat counts and not just what other people see you eat.

So actually....you DO live on takeaways...

DH and I eat pretty normally at home...we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc,

I'm sorry @LPLJS95 but you act as if this is some sort of baseline which should protect you from what you're about to reveal

If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really.

You HAVE to ask yourself, really deeply, WHY do you do this?

What makes you feel like you have to do this and stop off before getting home?

Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

You use the word 'evidence' as if you've committed a crime.
Is this because you've been saying to your DH "I don't understand, I keep gaining weight but you see what I eat"

Have you tried therapy @LPLJS95 can you feel comfortable to explain if you have or not tried it?

Think you need to see someone.. it sounds like Binge eating disorder.. my friend had this.. she had CBT.. it's actually an illness.

Would you be willing to seek help to stop the disordered eating? If I loved you I would want you to do that.

OP, said gently: you have very disordered eating. The way you are eating is not healthy and it speaks to (frankly) some level of emotional distress.

If you were my partner I would be upset and worried about you too, and it would have nothing to do with wanting to control you.

I would be upset about the lying and I would be really worried about you and what your eating patterns say about your feelings, your feelings about yourself and your body -- and your life.

I feel really sad for you OP.

There's obviously complex feelings tied up with what you eat but it really struck me that you feel you have to hide it, your use of words like evidence like you feel it is bad and you'll be judged like a criminal.

I would be hurt too if I was your DH. But maybe give him a couple of days and try and talk properly about it x

If my partner was fat, eating loads of junk and hiding the fact, yes, I’d be extremely bothered.

I eat like this too. If I’m discovered I feel shameful and can get a bit defensive. I make sure I largely avoid talking about my weight though in front of people as I think I’m more likely to get found out. I also generally appreciate that people talking about their weight all the time without doing anything about it is extremely wearisome.

I did this for years @LPLJS95 and would have been very upset if my DH hadn't tried to understand why I did it and sought to blame me for the secrecy.

The secrecy is because you know you shouldn't be doing it and feel ashamed. At least that is how I felt.

I know it was an addiction that I couldn't overcome on my own and so in the end I went to the doctors and was prescribed WLI which honestly was the best thing I could have done.

I now eat normally and no longer have the awful guilt about my compulsive over eating.

Thanks everyone. Just want to be clear that im not trying to make out my eating habits are fine, I know myself its a problem and the weight. I'm not trying to defend things

Thing is you’re still not really being honest in your post. You say you eat healthy mess and don’t live on take aways but you actually do regularly eat unhealthy food and take aways.

Why not just say “I eat too much of the wrong stuff and that’s why I have gained weight” even if you can’t say it to your DH be honest with yourself.

I’m not judging by the way my eating is generally pretty disordered.

I don't allow eating in the car - except travel sweets. grim stinky car....

so much judgement on here by folk who clearly haven't the first clue about an eating disorder 🙄

Of course he’s upset. You’ve been lying to him and secretly binge eating leading to overweightness and likely worse health outcomes. You’ve likely been acting like you’ve no idea how you’ve gained weight when you’ve been spending a small fortune eating fourth/fifth meals around your normal diet.

I’d be furious with you and want you to see a therapist for your binge eating.