AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Right. So now’s the time to let him in. Talk to him.

When he comes around let him be supportive of helping you stop if that’s what you want/need. But you need to stay honest with him. Tell him when you slip up etc.

The weight probably is an issue, not necessarily because of aesthetics but because of the health implications and limiting activity. I have watched a few people gain weight over the years and get to the point where their mobility is limited and we can no longer do simple things we used to do because their body isn't able. One had a heart attack in their 40s, the other has developed diabetees. I think it would be completely understandable for someone to not want to watch their partner, the one they planned to share their lives with, gain a lot of weight.

I’d be far from impressed if I was your DH.

If it was just a case of you eating what you want, then so be it. You are entitled to eat whatever you want.

It’s the fact you have been complaining about being overweight, and saying you have no idea why. Essentially trying to play him like a fool. Then you get defensive when he called you on it!

Now it is out in the open you can address it and I am sure your husband will be supportive, but you need help to do so and not just his. There is a reason you are doing it, that's what you need to find and solve.

Pp imagine swapping fast food and junk for alcohol. Saying we often just have a glass of wine at home a few nights a week but I’ve been struggling with feeling weird and dizzy and being forgetful. But now my DH has found these empty bottles of vodka and beer cans cans and I admitted I’ve been secretly drinking and he’s worried and feels I’ve been lying to him.

can you honestly HONESTLY not see how this could be concerning for him?

I have sympathy for you OP and don’t really think it’s up to anyone else to judge AIBU.
Clearly the secret eating is a symptom of an emotional issue so unless your husband is prepared to constructively support you to address that, he really can’t say anything.
I get why you’d lie and feel embarrassed, it’s hardly something to proclaim proudly about.
(Not excusing the lying but it’s understandable).
I think your husband should be looking at the root cause rather than the eating itself. Maybe you need more support or some time to yourself to seek out healthy activities that bring you joy?

Kindly I don’t think your DH is over reacting. I think if this was me (and I’ve been a stone or 2 overweight) my DH would be exactly the same. It sounds like you need some help. Hopefully your DH will be supportive in helping you get that help. Good luck.

Yes and I do get that, I do worry about my weight and where its got to.

I think you need to sort yourself out OP. Otherwise, have “what you fancy” and see how you end up post 50.

No wonder he’s upset, there’s a huge part of you that you’ve been hiding. Big problem to deal with. Tbh I’d not feel happy being with a partner who did this, at all.

It is fine if that is also an issue for him. I’m sure he’s upset about a combination of things: the lying, the secret eating, concern over what he thought was a physical medical issue, betrayal that it wasn’t a physical medical issue but rather a behavioural one that you were aware of. And yes, maybe also being unhappy about the weight itself. Those are all valid responses.

Has this been an issue for you in the past, or is this the first time it’s reared its head?

My eating used to be disordered because I ate when I felt stressed, sad, angry, unloved, lonely, bored you name it.
@LPLJS95 I managed to "control" it by moving countries where my go to comfort foods did not exist so I finally started to eat because I was hungry. I'm not saying you have to do this OP but do look in to WLI if you are heavily overweight. Plus therapy.

I was "lucky" having a good metabolism and being very active but ED still ruined my youth because I would chose to stay home and eat rather than socialise. And eating was so connected to shame that I couldn't eat in company- I had to eat by myself.

First time really. Theres been a couple of things in the past where he's gently commented on my weight, but in response to specific things/incidents, rather than constantly nagging etc

No your DH is not overreacting. I imagine he's upset about both the deceit and the weight gain. I don't mean he doesn't like you larger but he's probably been worried about your health and what obesity can lead to. Plus if you've been hiding that you are eating outside of the house he won't understand why you are gaining weight and might presume it's down to an illness or disease.

I think you need to have another really honest talk with him and arrange to see a counsellor. Well done for opening up to him in the first place. It's the first step.

Hiding food, binging on junk and making sure no-one knows about it is disordered eating. Of course your husband is worried about it.

Would you have the same attitude if it you found out he had secretly been consuming drugs/gambling in the car then coming in and complaining to you saying he doesn't know why he doesn't have money?

I’ve never done it.

Not because I have a great diet - I don’t. But because I don’t feel any shame or anything like that around food. So I’ll eat perfectly happily and openly and feel no need to put the packaging somewhere no one will see it.

(Just to add, that’s not me bragging about how well adjusted I am! I have other fairly significant mental health issues. It just so happens that food is not something that is an issue for me)

This was definitely written by the DH lol

Maybe there are things you both need to be open and admit to.

I can see why he wouldn't comment on how much weight you've put on, its not something I'd take kindly to my DH mentioning to me. Defences would be up, words can't be taken back.

I can also see why he's cross with you, especially as you've been saying you're not sure what's causing all the weight gain then him seeing the evidence of exactly why sat in your car.

I've put on weight, not knowing why, I've also hidden wrappers, not take away food as we definitely don't have those often at all, you know not many, not that my DH has found any either or made comments but recently I decide to put a weeks worth of "hidden wrappers" sweets/crisps/chocolate/biscuits, that type into a bag and hide away instead of throwing them away to see exactly how many there were.
Oh goodness....I've been lying to myself and I feel disappointed in me, so I can see where your DH is coming from.

I think if I were in your husband's position, I would be worried about the fact that you seem to have an eating disorder and are not seeking treatment. If you are planning to have a chat with him about this, perhaps you could start off with the fact that you've made an appointment with your GP to do something about this?

I can see both sides. Your DH reacting with surprise/concern is understandable as he was presumably shocked. But this is a delicate issue you feel very ashamed about so I think he needs to commit to being kind to you about it now that he knows about it.

My Dad is like this.

Forever moaning about his weight but you never see him eat much.

We've since found out he's a secret eater. Like you, whenever he's out it's drive though McDonalds, KFC, Greggs etc. All wrappers disposed of, paid in cash so there's no trace.

It's an eating disorder OP. You're trying to hide your eating habits from everyone. I can understand why your DH is worried and probably feels a bit 'lied too'

At the end of the day, it's out in the open now and that's often the first step of breaking a habit like this.

Can you try and stop / cut down.

The GP will be able to help and online for eating disorders offers some good info.

Embarrassment is understandable, OP. This behaviour is actually more common than many people would think…. As is hiding it, because we know at some level that it’s not normal. See if any of this resonates with you:

I am a compulsive overeater/binge eater/ sugar addict. In company, I do my best to eat a “reasonable amount”. Once on my own, I eat more - that could be buying it and eating it before I get home, or taking it from the cupboards or freezer - and then replacing it, if it’s something that someone else would notice is gone. I eat whole packets, multiple packets, then go back for more. I hide the packaging and don’t tell anyone I did it. I feel like every meal has to finish with something sweet. If it’s my birthday, your birthday, a good day, a bad day, a stressful day - chocolate makes it feel better.

It’s an addiction, OP. And lying, hiding and denial are part of it.

What I’ve described is how it used to be for me, for the best part of 60 years. I was morbidly obese for most of that. Any weight loss - and there was a LOT - would be followed by rapid regain as the food got the better of me.

But it isn’t like that any more. I work the 12 step program of Overeaters Anonymous and am able to eat sanely and normally, one day at a time. Most of the excess weight is gone and it’s not coming back. Better yet, I no longer need to hide my eating from anyone.

Your eating is disordered and you've been lying to your husband about it for years. Of course he's mad. You played him for a fool wondering how you could be gaining wait when you knew exactly why.

You need therapy to deal with your disordered eating.

@3luckystars no, it’s definitely not an everyone does it thing. Definitely not. Maybe alcoholics think everyone secretly adds vodka to their coffee. But, no, they don’t. Hiding things is a Red Flag.