AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

I'm not trolling. It's a genuine question. The OP's DH's issue is the deceit, I get that, but why does everyone assume that an enjoyment of food is a mask for an underlying psychological / emotional issue?

@LPLJS95 If I were your DH, I wouldn’t be upset about the food, I’d be upset about the secrecy and the fact you’ve been struggling alone and lying to yourself as well as him.

Secret eating is usually about shame or stress, not greed, but it does create a kind of emotional distance. I do that too.

When you’ve been saying you don’t know why you’re gaining weight while hiding daily snacks and takeaways, it’s understandable he feels blindsided. This isn’t about control, it’s about wanting honesty and wanting to understand what’s really going on for you so he can help. And the poor guy is probably hurt you felt you couldn't be honest and you need to explain its because you weren't being honest with yourself either and acknowledge you need to deal with that.

In a good marriage, and it sounds like a good marriage, its working through stuff like this that makes us stronger as a couple, but it is uncomfortable confronting our own behaviour and I say that from experience.

I don't buy takeaway food, but historically, if I was preparing for a family of 5, I would cook (subconsciously) for 6 so I can "taste test" it along the way and then serve myself up a small to medium portion from the remaining 5 portions and hubby wondered why I put on weight!

Being self aware and actually accepting and addressing issues are two different things OP.

I do - I know for me it’s when I want to feel good if things are busy and stressful, I don’t even think about it I just suddenly have detoured and have consumed something. As lots of people said it’s an addiction. I only asked how you felt about it as guilt is a huge thing for me - and obviously the reaction of your husband’s is going to trigger that massively. My husband is aware of my binge eating but I don’t list what I’ve done as I think that would scare me (sounds silly but it would). Your husband has probably triggered all of that by finding the evidence. But equally I think he has had a shock and he is likely to react. I hope you manage to have a chat with him where it doesn’t feel like a personal attack and you can explain how you’re feeling.

I am really trying to have therapy and have good days and bad. Is your life very manic? I am trying to carve out other joyful things for myself but kids make it so hard. Good luck OP x

This is really harsh. Secret eating is complicated and it's not 'lying' so much as shame-based behaviour. It's emotionally very fraught. How do you think that accusing OP of 'lying' is going to help?

OP, your husband is right to be worried about you and I can understand why he reacted the way he did, but despite that, it might turn out to be for the best that you told him.

Your partner is there to support you - that is the whole point - and to hopefully help you through things like this. He probably feels sad that you felt you couldn't share with him that you were struggling. Maybe he even sees it as some personal failure to support you, which could be why he responded as he did. He might be feeling a little vulnerable too.

Now that it's out in the open what do you think will happen next? Do you think you might seek some help?

OP, the sentiment behind that comment was unpleasant, but could the rule help you?

If you didn't allow eating in your car, could it help you in breaking theses current habits that you are so upset by? How would it change things? Get your car detailed so it's clean and sparkling inside and then not allow yourself, or anyone else, to eat in it. Maybe you have to sit in McD's or walk around with your coffee. Would it be so appealing? Would you decide to skip it, at least some of the time? I wonder if, even if it didn't help you change your eating habits it would help your self esteem as the hiding in your car to eat must surely make the shame factor bigger?

Since it sounds like this is a long standing problem and eating disorders are difficult to overcome, I wouldn't expect this to be all you'd need to do, but it might help.

When it comes to your DH - it sounds like he loves you and is worried about you. I don't think he's over reacting. i think you're still avoiding facing the fact you have a serious disorder you need to do something about.

I’m going to assume your questions are in good faith…

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/binge-eating/overview/

Yep. I ate because I needed dopamine. I ate because I couldn’t stop myself. And then I felt guilty, sad etc… and what did that lead to? More food. Or other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

food issues are (imo) so incredibly difficult because those who suffer from them can’t just stop engaging with food. We can’t just have a food free home or food free life (obviously). So with every bite taken (or not taken) you’re engaging with your disorder.

A disordered relationship with food can also look „healthy, disciplined“ or „relaxed and laidback“. So it’s possible the keep them secret until your body betrays you by making it visible (overweight, underweight, dental issues etc…).

that‘s at least my perspective on it. Obviously shaped by personal experiences.

I am going against the grain here. Its your business, your body, and you can eat what you like when you like. I dont really get why he is so upset or saying you are lying or secretive. Its really noones business.

I say this as someone who is on the jabs and hasn't told anyone - including my DP. Its not their business. If he found out (its hidden in the fridge) and accused me of lying by omission Id be pretty pissed off. We don't have to tell people, including our partners, everything! And enjoying a secret takeout whilst you stuff your face with no judgement is pretty awesome tbf. Im 'lying by omission' because I was a healthy BMI anyway and I got it for vanity reasons by deception and I just don't want the lectures tbh.

If you dont like what you are eating and want to change thats another matter though.

I do understand, although my disorder is secret shopping, and, for the most part, I do recognise my disorder but I still have times when I "have" to shop. My DH gets cross when he realises I've fallen off the wagon but, I know, it's my cry for help when life becomes overwhelming!
I found it did help when my DH and I sat down and talked about it. I contain it by booking weekends away for us both and for myself, where we couldn't go if I didn't save to enable us to enjoy our times away.
It definitely helps to have a goal, whether, for you, this is to loose weight or to put the money away for you, or both of you, to do something you would enjoy.
You may need therapy, and I recognise I may need this, but you may be able to "wean" yourself off with your own self control. You won't know until you try.

I didn't read anything in the OP that said the OP was unhappy though. Throwing the wrappers away as she is ashamed to admit the truth about her weight gain, but I don't think she indicated that she was otherwise unhappy with her life?

Sorry OP if I'm missing something. I can completely empathise with you and understand why you did what you did. I imagine that your DH is just concerned, and that yes, it's more about the deceit than the actual eating.

I'd be very upset if my partner had been complaining to me about their weight and claiming they had no idea why they were gaining weight while all the time they were binging in secret. I'd be worried they had an eating disorder.
You can't lie to people then act like they're unreasonable to be fucked off about it.

It’s sensitive for obvious reasons, but it seems your husband is being supportive and may feel hurt that he has been supportive in good faith while this has been happening.

My love, it’s simple to fix. Take control. Don’t drive to places and buy junk secretly and eat it. You have agency. Allow yourself once a week to do this, not every day. When the urge grabs you, have a cup of tea and think about something else!
Make sure you fill up on whole foods, the processed stuff is really addictive, you likely need to break the cycle but once it’s broken you’ll be able to control it.

Oh and my DP is a personal trainer - body is his temple and all that shit - always banging on about nutrition and health, and when we went out in his car the other day he had loads of chocolate wrappers and energy drink cans. He looked mortified but i just gently teased him about him and we moved on. I couldn't care less.

They are in good faith!

I just don't get why the enjoyment of food is being vilified, genuinely don't. I'll read your link, thank you.

Because the secrecy suggests deep shame, and also because when I’m personally happier I don’t overeat, it’s like I’m medicating myself. Obviously can go into all sorts of things around food environment and UPF food and how it’s made to be addictive but there is a big difference in eating a slice of cake joyfully with a friend over a catchup up and secretly stuffing it in the car on a gap between school runs (or there is for me - I can’t speak for the OP)

Whole cheesecakes? Gosh.

Thank you! Yeah the shame around it is an issue, but could that be more to do with society's expectations of how we 'should' look, rather than any indication of deeper underlying unhappiness?

I don’t think it’s really harsh. You are changing “ lying” as a word to a blurry little euphemistic phrase : “ shame based behaviour”.

As if humans simply have no moral compass that allows them to admit that they have left TRUTH behind and are withdrawing HONESTY from their marriage.

it isn’t just behaviour in isolation, it’s a betrayal of a marriage, just like a secret porn stash or a secret drinking problem.

It’s favouring an addiction over integrity.

it’s destructive, potentially passive aggressive, and profoundly duplicitous.

Obviously it's up to you what you do or don't share with your partner but it's just pretty sad for your relationship if you feel you can't tell them something like this. It suggests you don't feel very secure or comfortable with your partner, or don't feel they will emotionally hold you. That's just quite sad.

Would you have a link to it or do you remember if the OP was also complaining about all the weight gain and pretending they had no idea why it was happening because I think that's a lot of the issue for people saying the OP is BU

It's not the enjoyment of food it's the overeating and using food as an emotional crutch. It's possible to enjoy food a lot without over eating or binge eating. People who binge eat or over eat often don't particularly taste the food.

it's not the sort of deceit where you are deliberately trying to hurt someone. it's more like a shame, guilt thing right? food is almost like a self-medication. i think your partner did overreact, or more like didn't react in the same way. what's the point of bringing out blame, judgement etc? that'll just have the opposite effect of making OP want to eat more. not downplaying that it can be hard for the husband, but it's necessary. sometimes we have to do hard things to help support the people we love. i can't really imagine finding out someone i'm close to is struggling with binge-eating and reacting with upset and criticism.

You can change your behaviour though, you know that don’t you? It is totally possible to just not ever buy another takeaway on the way home and just stop eating in the car. It’s REALLY uncomfortable changing habits but you can do it. If I was you I’d go and give dh a big hug and just change. No big announcement, no promises to anyone but yourself, just decide and do. I would imagine you will lose weight naturally. Don’t let guilt and shame and embarrassment be in the front of your mind. Be who you want to be.

A few questions about what i'd like to happen...I want to get out of the cycle i'm in with the eating.

And i do want to lose the weight. As much as i love food, i hate what it does to me. I'm only 30 and i'm conscious that the amount of weight i'm carrying now really isn't good at all.

He's right.

Now it's time to address your relationship with food and do something about it.