AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

It is binge eating, she’s basically doing it every day and doing the same thing and hiding it. Rather than when her husband asked about the weight “oh I buy a takeaway and eat in the car” she pretends not to know the reason and makes it to be a mystery. That my friend is binge eating behaviour.

I agree with this. Plus, there are imaging studies showing that sugar stimulates the same areas of the brain as cocaine - areas to do with motivation and reward.

Harmful gambling and spending are viewed as forms of addiction, even though there are no substances involved in either. It’s about the dopamine hit, the compulsion, the inability to stop despite negative consequences and repeated attempts to do so. The giving up or avoidance of normal healthy activities, the failure to meet social obligations, because of fulfilling the drive to consume/do whatever floats your personal boat.

A binge could include thousands of calories, but not necessarily. This is the formal definition:

In Binge Eating Disorder (BED), a "binge" is an episode of consuming an objectively large amount of food in a discrete period (e.g., within 2 hours), accompanied by a profound loss of control and intense feelings of guilt, shame, or distress.

A binge episode must include at least three of the following behavioral or emotional markers:

• Eating much more rapidly than normal.
• Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.
• Eating large amounts of food even when not feeling physically hungry.
• Eating alone because of embarrassment about the quantity of food being consumed.
• Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or extremely guilty afterward.

For a formal diagnosis of BED, these binges must occur at least once a week for a minimum of three months.

Why did you lie?
You overeat and no shock you have put on weight, no one ever believed you and then evidence appeared to show him you are a liar.

What triggered the secret eating? I’ve been through a very tough few years health wise and I tried eating healthily in the hope it would help my symptoms but it didn’t so I’ve been through treating myself to chocolate, pastries etc. I was incredibly stressed earlier this year which impacted my health and I ate even more and was the biggest I’d ever been. I’m lucky in the sense I’ve never put on weight in the past so my biggest I’ve ever been is a regular size 12. That’s not my healthy norm though. I think I used food as a comfort when feeling so unwell and stressed.

Hi everyone, sorry its taken a while to read through everything and catch up.

I dont know if i'd say there was a particular trigger. I put on a lot with my 2 pregnancies and being on maternity - a combination of eating but also going from a job where i was on my feet all day to being much less active.

I do find it stressful balancing parenting, work, the house etc, and the eating is part of a way of coping with that.

@LPLJS95 thing is, you are taking care of house, job, kids and not yourself. If you go under, everything else will fall apart. I was able to invest more in my own health when I realised that my kids really really depended on me (ND) and I needed to be able to keep going and me taking care of myself was not selfish but actually part of being the parent for them that they needed. I wasn't able to do it for myself, but I was able to do it for them. Agree with PP upthread who suggest going to GP and getting some bloods / basic checks done. Sending a hand hold.

I do find it stressful balancing parenting, work, the house etc, and the eating is part of a way of coping with that.

This is so common. Food is your 'drug of choice'. For me it was wine. I started to rely on a glass of wine to look forward to / escape / make me happy. It's no different to what you are doing but neither are good.

You know you need to break the cycle - perhaps now is the right time?

The kids eat healthily. Thats why i do a lot of the eating in the car, I don't want them seeing foods like that as being normal etc

My friend did the same as you. She’d be full but binge eat something before returning home. Once she ordered 3 burgers from McDonalds one after the other, even when she wasn’t hungry, and ate it in the car park. Went home and had her dinner that her boyfriend had cooked! She’d pretend to her boyfriend at the time that she’d had nothing inbetween meals. She gained a lot of weight and would say she didn’t know why! I would see this as a binge eating problem and address it. Lying to your husband about not knowing why you’re gaining weight isn’t good. I’d be annoyed at my husband for doing the same thing too.

apologies I wrote that on the wrong thread. I was reading a thread where OP was not eating enough and giving food to their daughter instead and wrote on yours accidentally. Apologies!

You know what you’re doing is deeply unhealthy.
You know that you are morbidly obese.
Presumably you also know that morbidly obese means life-threatening.

It is up to you what you do with this information, but can you commit to some counselling to try and get to the bottom of your disordered eating.

Exactly … everyone has a medical reason, or an excuse!

@LPLJS95 I really do wish you the best with whatever happens next, and hope that you've been able or will be able to have a supportive talk about all of this with your DH.

Stop minimising OP, you've been lying by omission and he has every right to be hurt.

He also has a right to be worried. If you continue, you are on track to damage your health and leave him dealing with a family on his own.

Talk to him about it. He is your partner, he wants to help and support you. Talk to him about WLI or a diet/exercise plan you could do together. Summer is here, use it to get back on track but stop hiding things from him.

Your BMI is 49.6 and yet you say in your opening post you still wish you hadn’t told him the truth. OP, he’s not blind. Whether you admitted it or not, it’s blatantly obvious anyway and as it was the lying he was upset about, wishing you had continued to lie is probably the worst possible response you could have. This man loves you and supports you (if he’s a good husband and you haven’t given any indication that he isn’t). You are a team and you tackle things together. That means you both need all of the information otherwise you are intentionally sabotaging your teammate which means hamstringing yourself. From now on, you make a deal with yourself that you don’t eat any takeaway without fessing up. That doesn’t mean no takeaways, it means no secret takeaways. And you stick to it every single time, no matter how embarrassing you feel it is because you’re a team and your teammate needs all the information you have. If knowing you have to tell him makes you eat less of them, then good. If it doesn’t, at least you are not pushing him away through committing the one thing he can’t forgive… lying to him. That’s what’s going to risk you losing him, the lies not the weight.

Are you serious? You have managed the triple wammy: self destructive, dishonest and ignorant of the possible damage to your relationship.

I don’t think you are lying as he calls it. However, it is very clear to me that you have binge eating disorder. I struggled with that too in the past. Although I was never formally diagnosed, the hiding, shame and “getting rid of the evidence” is a symptom and what makes it a disorder. It sounds he is concerned and with some self-help books and/or therapy and openess it can be managed. Otherwise, I am sorry to say - it will likely get worse.

It definitely seems as though she’s lying to him to me. She’s said she’s told him she doesn’t know why she’s put on so much weight but she clearly does. She’s been hiding from him the reason why she’s been putting on weight by secret eating.

OP please please get yourself some ASAP. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your children. They deserve a mother around, not be motherless in a few years.

Harsh but true. I know of a family where the mother died, linked to obesity. Her children do not and have not coped. It’s ruined their lives. I wouldn’t usually be so harsh, but you need to wake yourself up to the reality.

Clearly the root cause is some MH issues, so get yourself referred and sort out the root cause. This is the only way to start treating your disease (yes obesity is a disease). When your mental health is on track, you will find it easier to work on your physical health.

Do it before your marriage is over, and you destroy the lives of your children.

If you're finding parenting difficult (which it 100% is!!) I'm wondering is part of the stopping to eat almost a procrastination of returning to the reality of the slog that is parenting? And yes it's a food and comfort thing but maybe more a "me time" thing as well? Do you get any other time away from being "mum" other than the practicalities of running errands, which lets face it is still being mum just without the physical presence of the kids?

I don’t necessarily think he’s overreacting, but I do think being angry isn’t helpful and it certainly wouldn’t be my first emotion. I’d be worried about you and upset for you. If someone has an eating disorder they usually do hide it and seeing them as “deceitful” as many posters have said is a bit strong and just adds to the guilt they already feel. He’s making it about him rather and his feelings rather than seeing the bigger picture.

Sounds like your use the term 'eating habits' to mask to yourself that you've developed disordered eating. Your husband is correct to be concerned. All the secret eating, then lying that you don't know why you've put on weight, that's an addiction. Replace junk food with alcohol or drugs, and you'd see the problem. But morbid obesity is a killer just as much as other addictions.

I am understanding, I'm not saying any of this to be unkind. I was bulimic as a teenager, then morbidly obese by my 30s 🙈. I recognise disordered eating, and that the food is often not the route problem. If I had have continued the way I knew I wasn't going to see my 40th birthday in 3 years. So I took the plunge with mounjaro, overhauled my diet, and joined a gym. Also got back on anti depressants and some counselling, it was only 6 free phone sessions, the therapist wasn't great, but it's a start.

It's a long road, and it is 100% daunting to start. But I trust you want a long, healthy life with your husband and kids, and you're not going to have that unless you fix the problem. It's great you were finally honest with your hubby, that was the first step.

My guess would be that you’re doing this as a compensation/reward for everything else that you’ve been doing for your family.
I can remember the feeling that I had somehow “lost” myself when all I seemed to do was care for others. I’m not suggesting you do what I did (have an affair), but in my head, at the time I know I thought I had “earned” a bit of something nice that was just for me. I felt seen and appreciated in a way that my family didn’t; they just took me for granted. No abuse please it was a long time ago but I can see the similarities. In desiring something that you shouldn’t really have - it’s a bit of control over your life. Good luck and hope you feel better about yourself soon.