AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

What if your DH was a secret drinker and you found empty bottles? Wouldn’t you be upset? An addiction is an addiction and it’s upsetting when it’s someone close to you.

I think overcoming the embarassment you feel after being confronted by your husband is the first step to tackling this head on.

Try telling a trusted friend about your habits next. Accept this will feel uncomfortable.

Seeing a GP is the next step after this - you could ask the friend to come with you, if you're worried about going. You need to tell the GP the extent of the issue with your eating so they can look at the risks and work out apt next steps - whether thats a blood test to rule out anything, a blood pressure check, advice on eating disorders / services to help with improving your diet.

You can do this! You've told us everything here - now try telling a friend, then the GP. Then it's not a secret, or a shame, and you're on track to break the habit.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

Sorry to be pedantic, but when were you honest?

I'm sorry that you're going through this but I don't think it will just blow over. I hope you get it all sorted.

I have no idea what you mean. Most lies are driven by something, shame embarassment, guilt. Very few do it just for shits and giggles.

Wow, that’s amazing and so inspiring! 👏👏👏

Swimming, walking and cycling make such a difference, especially if you incorporate the latter two into your day-to-day routine to get from A to B, rather than driving. Exercise is just as important as eating habits, as you feel less like eating, burn calories, build strength and fitness and it’s great for mental health to get out in fresh air. Much better than gyms IMHO, though weights at home can be helpful too. Good for beating any addiction: smoking etc.

OP, I was you 2 years ago, 5ft and nearly 16st, WLI changed my life and my thinking. Im now 8.7st and feel amazing, happier and healthier please get a helath check with your GP.
I was at rock bottom and a ticking time bomb to developing helath conditions like high BP and diabetes. WLI are not magic and you have to want to do it and put the work in, its a tool to help you make the changes.

I think your behaviour is destructive to both your physical and psychological health ánd to your relation and your family. You obviously need help to "snap out of it" re. break this habit. You seem to have a wonderfull husband, I'm sure he'll be by your side while you tackle this. Could you maybe go to your GP and ask for help in becoming healthy again, then take it from there? I think you'll need a counselor and a dietician.

Thanks for that 🙄.

Have you considered weight loss injections OP? I would not be happy in my marriage if DH went from a healthy weight to Class III Obesity (it’s not called morbidly obese anymore). He must have been so worried thinking you had a serious condition leading to that when it was binge eating. In fact I would consider leaving in all honesty…

If your BP was high at 14 st please see a doctor. It’s almost guaranteed that your BP is in the danger zone and this needs to be addressed with medication and support. I’d also recommend adding in some seated exercise.

Class III obesity. It’s not called MO anymore.

Agree. I don’t eat McDs any more(would give me digestive gyp) but when I did I didn’t feel shame - like you it’d be once every few months and I’d enjoy it and then not think about hiding it from dh. He’d prob be with me! We’d laugh that it was shite, but we enjoyed it so who cares.
As for the OP - I agree that you need to address your disordered eating and I hope your DH can support you once he gets over the face you haven’t been honest with him.

Because OP is feeling shame, embarrassment and distress about the results of the food. Generally these feelings will overpower the pleasure at some point during the weight gain process leading the person to want to stop. If they then cannot stop when they WANT to stop it is no longer a simple pleasure seeking choice and has a secondary drive.

Yeah, I don't feel embarrassed about eating anything, I need to eat and sometimes that isn't the best meal.

I only really do things like McDonald's or KFC when we're travelling, it's like road trip food. And it's absolutely acceptable, then or other times.

I can also acknowledge that sometimes I overeat and that's the main cause of me being overweight. I'm trying to address it but if while I'm doing it I eat something "bad" I will not be embarrassed because I'm eating at a meal time.

OPs problem is that she is eating it as well as main meals and then hiding it to deny to herself there's any problem. That's spilled over into hiding / lying about her eating habits , which I imagine is the main cause of her husband's upset; she knew what the problem was and pretended to him that she didn't know.

@LPLJS95 you have lots of sympathy from me. The availability & addictability of food we are surrounded by every day is far more than humans need to be healthy.

And once a person becomes more than about 15% overweight, body fat effectively becomes an extra organ within the body -one our other systems did not evolve to work with - which has its own metabolic drivers including creating hormones that make anyone feel more hungry and also less full. So that's where lots of people start losing any weight loss battle, because our whole system becomes off-kilter, so not being able to control hunger is a permanent problem.

Your poor body is now carrying around 100% more you than your skeleton & organs are designed to sustain. That will have some tremendous implications on how you feel & what you can do in everyday life.

Your body probably only needs around 1500 calories a day (from high quality nutrients with lots of vitamins, minerals, and fibre, as well as protein, carbs & a small amount of brain-healthy fats) to run your essential systems. Yet every week it is receiving several days worth of extra energy from 'undisclosed' food. It can't do anything with that except store it.

You are exactly the kind of person GLP1 drugs are likely to help the most. You're teetering on the brink of the most important part of any addiction journey - admitting you have a problem. There is so much more practical help available now with food addiction.

GLP1s, talking therapies to help work through the WHY not just the what, habit-breaking tips, activities to help people hold on to muscle mass while on an intense weight loss journey, so their bodies can function properly at the end of it.

It sounds like you have an amazing DH who would be brilliant support to have by your side if you decide it's time to tackle this. I'm sure your children want a healthy Mum who will be around to watch them grow up into adulthood & see what they do with their lives. Ask around locally to see who people say is the most supportive GP for those who have already had success in weight loss with GLP1s, and book yourself in.

Now the curtain has been pulled back, can you be brave enough to look for & accept all the help that is available to turn your health around? I'm sure you are up to the challenge, go for it!

It’s class 111 which is morbid or severe and yes the term is used, no law was passed to say you can’t say that.

Does it matter?

No, but the term has been found to be unhelpful. It adds more shame to the person and shame is associated with weight gain not weight loss in people with obesity.

Yes. Language matters funnily enough.

OP i think you've been really brave and insightful here.

I really hope you're able to speak to your DH and work on this as a team. His support will be really helpful to you.

Have you come across Brenee Brown? She is a psychology researcher on shame. She has some great TED talks that might help with some of the feelings you are battling. She's a really good and funny speaker (google brenee brown ted).

Being kind to yourself is going to be your first step that you can then build on.

All the best 💐

Sure, however you want to frame it - a BMI of 49.6 from not being able to stop eating junk in your car is awful.

Your husband is very reasonable to be concerned and question your eating patterns! Very worrying, especially with your very high BMI. I cant believe you somehow tried to paint your husband in bad light.

MO is still an accurate description

It does, and the word "morbidly" speaks to the danger to life in cases such as this.

The official terminology may have changed, but the meaning has not and sometimes the harsher words are what are needed to make someone realise the severity of the problem and the health risks.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6565398/

It is not fat shaming to tell someone who has admitted their weight and BMI are a big problem that they are risking their health.

I currently weigh less and have a lower BMI than OP and I am at risk of diabetes and high BP from my weight. If I don't sort it, I'm risking my life.

Not using the word morbid doesn't change that. Being scared of making me ashamed doesn't change that fact.

OP is risking her life and whether you say morbidly obese or class III obesity, that fact doesn't change and advising her of this is NOT fat shaming.