AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Fat shaming? Oh give it a rest.

Perhaps if we stopped sugar coating and pandering to save people’s feelings, they’d realise the seriousness of the health risks associated with being obese.

You don’t become morbidly obese from healthy eating, a balanced diet and portion control. Unless there’s significant underlying health issues, it’s much more likely to be gluttony and a sedentary lifestyle.

Op knows she's got a high BMI
She knows the risks to her health
She doesn't need anything pointing out to her , because she knows it .
But knowing it ,and being able to do anything about it are two different things entirely.
With a BMI like the op has ( and like I had ,see my earlier post on this thread )
She's not going to be able to do this without help
Obesity is a disease..that is current thinking by doctors,that's why there is help available on the NHS ..it is currently,limited though to a strict criteria.
Op ..I recommend you get a doctor's appointment and ask to be referred to any help available for weight loss ..I went through tier one and tier two on NHS weight loss help ..that involved on line healthy eating courses ,I was also offered to choose from gym and free slimming world for 12 weeks ...take anything offered because it helps you move through the system..from there I got to tier three and approved for weight loss surgery..I didn't go for weight loss injections on NHS , because I knew I wouldn't meet the criteria..I had a BMI of 54 ISH ,but no other problems with my health,so I didn't meet the criteria,and it's two completely different waiting lists from the start ..so I got approved for weight loss surgery ,after 3 years on different tier pathways ...but then after being approved for weight loss surgery,I got told it would be another 5 year wait for the operation..and at BMI 54 I wasn't sure I could wait 5 years ..so I started self funding weight loss injections,and lost 12 stone in 18 months .
I made huge financial cut backs in so many areas to be able to fund them ..and it is possible to loose a lot of weight on them ,by only staying on the lower / cheaper amounts ,so 5/7 mg .
But op ,you are going to need some help from somewhere with this ..
And there is no shame in looking for help
Start with being honest with your doctor,and if they don't help ,see another doctor untill one does help x

And no one has ever cured their emotional eating patterns from being given a harsh 'pep talk' either.

Why are you posting this? The OP knows she's got a weight problem to deal with. You're not telling her anything she doesn't already know.

Don't kid yourself you're 'being helpful'. You're just kicking someone who is down 👏

Respectfully she started this thread very much with the impression her husband was unreasonable and overreacting
Its literally right there in the thread title!

So no, its not obvious that she ‘knows’ what you claim

Of course she knows
She knows she has a high BMI every time she looks in the mirror,every time she buys new clothes in a bigger size ,every time she wonders if she can fit in a chair and not break it .
Every time she goes to the doctor's and hopes they don't mention her weight
Every time someone sees her eating anything remotely not salad she wonders if they will say ..should you be eating that ...
No one who is fat doesn't know it
We spend our lives in fear someone will point out the elephant in the room ...us and the fact we are fat ..we know it ,we live it ..there's no escape from it .
We are eternally greatful when we are accepted as we are and our weight is not mentioned..and that's what has upset the op ..her DH has mentioned her weight and she desperately needed him not to .
I know she didn't ask for advice on weight ,but I gave it anyway,as I understand having been in the same situation

What are you on about, she said he’s been very supportive and asked about all the junk food stuff in her car and is upset about her lying as she’s the one who raises it to him.

either you misread the op or you twisted it to meet your narrative.

And quite frankly he should mention it. Why it’s it people think if you drink too much, smoke, whatever then it’s ok to say to your spouse it’s not ok and you’re worried, that it has to stop.

but doing the same with food, let’s all look the other way and pretend we don’t notice.

Do you know what a disease is? Yes obesity is a disease. But this doesn’t mean it is outwith the persons responsibility.

disease is an abnormal condition that impairs the structure or function of a living organism. Which obesity is as it is a condition that means a persons structure is covered in too much body fat, thus classified as abnormal and impairing the structure or function of the person.

Have I ?
That's not good if I have ,will have to ask for my message to be removed
Ok ..I haven't actually read all the op replies,I just read some and the first op message.
Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick then ..will go and read all op replies

Have read all replies now
Sorry if I went of on a bit of a rant op and gave advice you didn't ask for ,
Hope your doing ok today ,and things good with your DH .

OP, I don’t know if you’re still reading. If you are….. it appears to me that while there are a fair few people on here who are responding to you with compassion, because they have behaved similarly to how you have. They understand the guilt, shame, the seeming impossibility of change, the urge to downplay the severity of your eating behaviour and its consequences. And there are others who are hung up on using exactly the right language and arguing what is or is not lying, or disordered eating, how to describe a particular BMI range, and how important it is to tell severely obese people exactly how much danger they are in. Because, you know - then they’ll get off their fat you know what and “just eat less”.

My hunch is that the latter group of people have never been in the grip of the severe compulsion to overeat which I, and many others, and possibly you, have lived with. Therefore they lack empathy.

There are many paths to weight loss. Lots of voices in favour of the WLI, and that would certainly be worth considering, if you can afford them. There is evidence that, in some people at least, they have a positive effect on various substance addictions, including alcohol and smoking. That says to me that, apart from their effect on the direct hunger hormones, they also have an impact in the reward centres of the brain. And THAT is the key problem area for people with addictions of all kinds.

Everyone, pretty much, enjoys eating. Particularly sweet stuff. But some people hyper respond to sugar, and find themselves unable to stop or moderate it. Just as most people enjoy drinking alcohol, but some of them simply cannot stop once they start. We call them alcoholics, and they mostly need support in order to be able to stop damaging themselves that way.

Whatever eating and exercise approach is right for you to get your weight down, whether WLI are accessible to you or not, it is certain you are going to need a lot of support to deal with what has led you to eat in the way you’ve described.

My suggestion is that you log on to a few OA meetings online, and just listen. Listen to people’s stories of how they used to eat, the impact on their life, and how they are now able to eat sanely and normally. If you listen and think, nah, that’s nothing like me, all you’ve lost is a few hours of your time. But I guarantee you this - no-one in an OA meeting will judge you. And you might just find something which helps you.

https://oa.org/find-a-meeting/?meeting_type=all&day=today&tzdb=Europe%2FLondon&oa_auto_day=1

I’d be concerned and a bit upset if my husband were doing this too.

There's knowing and knowing though, isn't there.

The hiding of the food is denying the problem to herself.

She'll know when she looks at herself or buys clothes that she's a bigger girl, yes. But that's not the same as acknowledging a problem, is it?

Seeing yourself in a mirror and knowing that you're doing something harmful to yourself are not the same thing. I've only just started trying to rectify my own weight problem because I have tangible evidence that I've done actual harm to my health and I could either push my head further into the sand (tempting) or do something about it (really hard and I'm being a bit bratty about it but I'm doing it).

OP started this thread because she thought her husband was unreasonable to be upset by her behaviour. And possibly subconsciously because she needs to hear from outsiders that she has a problem. And if we all said "oh honey, yes he's a dick, he shouldn't have said anything", she'd carry on burying her head.

Its an addiction same as any other. If you got into your DPs car and found shit loads of cans and Bargain Booze receipts, how would you feel?

Think of it this way. You borrow your husband’s car, find receipts and empty bottles of alcohol. You realise that he is secretly drinking. How do you feel?

Betrayed? Worried? Angry? Sad?

It is exactly the same thing.

I wonder why the change. It seems counterproductive to remove the link the name provides between the weight and the increased likelihood of early death.

So he shouldn’t care if you put on 10 stone? Double your weight? Knowing it can lead to diabetes, which can lead to even more horrific issues..ulcers, kidney disease, blindness, high blood pressure which can lead to strokes etc
He should really be so uncaring? And about being lied to?

I read that PP as if she'd be upset if her husband was behaving like OP. Identifying with OPs husband.

Brought to you be the same people replacing mother with “birthing parent” and woman with “person with a cervix.”

We’ll be told to stop referring to something as retarded next…

A remarkably evidence-free article.

I’m not saying you can’t point out the health risks. I’m saying the wording has changed and a PP then said that using the term morbidly obese might shock OP into changing. The link I shared states that shaming people - which is what opting for morbidly vs class III is doing, trying to hurt her - leads to weight GAIN rather than weight loss.

Because people with obesity know it’s risking their life. And Class I and II also increase morbidity for the individual so stating that only Class III is ‘morbidly’ obese makes no sense. They’re all morbidity increasing.

Secrets make us sick ( the issue is not confidentiality)
you are probably a little bit relieved to be found out)
addictions grow in the dark
I would recommend that you investigate Overeaters Anonymous they are better placed to help you with your addiction you can get off the bus now - no need to go to the terminus!

It's not shaming her. It's just that many people don't know the wording has changed and for many years it was a clinical term. Using a clinical term, even if outdated, to make a hard point doesn't count as shaming.

So you do live on takeaways then?

He's not wrong