AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Parenting is stressful. Can your DH help more or can you get someone to help with the housework? Can you get out for walks with your DD, even for just half an hour?

If I'd spent years being sympathetic and supportive towards someone who was gaining weight and telling me they didn't understand how, and then discovered their secret eating I'd be furious and hurt.

I'd like to think that after the initial outburst, that would change to concern and support, but the reality is that trust would be damaged.

DH was a secret smoker. Yes, I understand it's an addiction, but that doesn't change the fact that he was lying and gaslighting, and our marriage never really recovered.

IIt isn't the getting caught that is the problem- you have an addiction and you are lying to everyone around you by hiding it, it's no different to any other addiction. You need to focus on why you are doing it and work towards stopping.
The fact you see the problem as you being a little bit open aboutit, ( when you were actually caught, and had no choice) reveals the depth of the problem.
Also what on earth do you do for work? There is no way I could afford an addition like this.

Very, very kindly: the lying is probably a concern but he's probably also concerned about your health. You know yourself there's an issue. How might you tackle this together, if you feel ready to?

Wow. What’s your definition of lying then if eating in secret then looking your husband in the eye and saying you are worried and don’t know why you’re gaining weight is not lying in your eyes.

You could be my friend. Same height, same binge eating in the car then eating a dinner, sometimes another full meal at midnight. She was a similar weight.

I have been on Mounjaro and lost about 5 stone. I felt guilty not saying as I kept it private, but felt bad that I seemed to be nailing it and it made her feel worse, so I told her and suggested she try. After some thought she did and it has helped. Her eating was very disordered but she has been losing weight, and started with a PT. She still has a long way to go, but finally her health is improving as it was scary. But she does need to tackle her relationship with food as comfort longer term. The jab gets her into a healthier BMI, but she also needs to sort her head out.

Anyway, you an look at the forums here for info.

This. And I agree gently as I have been there.
I recommend hypnotherapy to stop it. F2F or via an App. It’s stopped my disordered eating at 62.

The fact that you eat normally in front of him but eat like this in the car/in secret is a massive red flag and I would also be very concerned

You have an addiction and a very unhealthy relationship with food and your husband ...

You were NEVER honest with him 🙄

He sounds a caring husband, so treasure him. You should be honest with each other, especially when your secret eating sounds like a regular thing rather than an occasional indulgence.

It's the lack of trust OP. it's not being able to say to him, I'm feeling something I can't control and I don't know how to control it and I get something out of it and I don't know what I get out of it, probably a sense of freedom and comfort from the stresses of every day life - but then I hate myself - and I also don't know how to stop. You could have said all that to him and maybe he could have tried to help you or at least just understand what's going on, but you didn't give him a chance, instead you pretended it was phantom weight that appeared out of nowhere. He maybe feels like a food for believing you.

Apologise and say it's because you're addicted/compulsed to do this behaviour and you don't know why and that you're going to get professional help. Because OP, I think that's what you need.

You're eating to bury a wound of some sort. A pain. And in the moment you feel in control of your life for those few delicious moments, you get a treat and it bathes you in some sort of happy feeling - but then there's a vicious whiplash which is the self-sabotage of increasing weight and increasing unhappiness. It's like a death spiral of self sabogate which we often do without knowing, subconsciously.

Definitely get some help to understand compulsive behaviour and try to reveal what's making you sad, or making you feel so compressed that you feel the need for these things to alleivate something that's feeling so uncomfortable inside you.

Do it for your kids, so you reduce your BMI, if you can't do it for you. That level is linked to cardiac, cancer, all sorts of nasties. Don't self sabotage yourself to an early grave. Good luck.

Yes completely concur with you re some are most surely disgusted by overeating but won't always actually admit this 💚

Greetings Lovely Original Commenter,
I can completely comprehend & empathise with your circumstances just now 💚 God bless you, please know this will pass & I wholeheartedly understand why you felt naturally compelled to sweep the comfort eating under the carpet 🫂 It’s so much more comfortable short term to kind of remain in denial of the escapism of which comfort eating can bring us-It's like an instant gratification to comfort consume on our emotions sometimes & it's so simple for us to fall into the trap of denial with this form of coping mechanism, because of course, snacking is so socially acceptable💚
It seems most likely that your husband is sincerely concerned about you, his dear wife, because he knows you've been miserable re your weight gain🫂
Maybe he feels slightly silly too /his male protective ego feels somewhat bruised, when he's been in genuine bewilderment's to why you would gain some weight 🙏
I'm sure he will soon come to terms with this & he needs to realise the power of addiction & the merry go round of denial, not take any of this personally - Most surely you didn't set out to deceive anyone & of course you 1st need to be compassionately empathetic of your own self 1st & face the truth with comprehension before you ever can even commence to admit /face the truth to /with others 🫂
Please be extra loving to yourself
I'm praying for the utmost very best for You&Yours 💚🙏💚

Yeah sorry I would be offended like ya hubby. Not the fact you were eating, wouldn't care or judge you. Like you said, your choice, your body etc. But I would be seriously offended you were crying on my shoulder expecting support, which you would get, but in full knowledge of why. Thats deceitful either way. But I think you know yourself there is clearly an underlying issue as to the why, so you need to figure that out and stop gaslighting ya hubby

Hi OP, having read all your replies, I can see why your DH is so concerned.

Facing facts, you’ve doubled in size since marriage and you’re morbidly obese, so risking your health. Your level of addictive, secretive eating is akin to an addictive, secret vodka drinker or heroin addict. If you found out your DH was doing that, you’d surely feel equally deceived and concerned.

But please don’t feel ashamed or despairing because you can do something about it, as with any addictions:

• Step 1: Recognise you have a problem (which you have to your DH and on this thread). So step 1 is complete. One of the hardest steps. Well done! 🙂
• Step 2: Want to do something about it. Not for your DH or DC. But for yourself, which hopefully you do. So, the first port of call should be your GP for a health check to rule out any imminent risk and get advice on losing weight safely.
• Step 3: Get therapy to understand why you’re addicted, identify your triggers and learn techniques to manage them.
• Step 4: Remove temptation. If the car is your risk point, do you have to drive everywhere? Could you start walking or cycling when you need to go somewhere? I haven’t had a car the whole time I’ve had kids and walk and take public transport everywhere, including to the grocery store with a trolley. It’s kept me so fit.
• Step 5: Group support, e.g. a Weight Watchers or online group, which will provide camaraderie and accountability.
• Step 6: Ways to healthily lose weight. I recommend swimming. I gradually built up from 6 to 50 lengths over a year. Swim as many lengths as feels comfortable in one go. Then rest for 5 mins at the end of the pool and drink from your water bottle. Then do another set. Then gradually increase the number of sets over the weeks as it becomes easier. It burns tons of calories, works so many muscles and the water supports your joints. Treat yourself to a sauna afterwards.
• Step 7: Set yourself realistic goals and take it one week at a time: only weigh yourself once a week. Celebrate success, looking how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go. There are lots of apps to chart progress.
• Step 8: Don’t beat yourself up or feel like a failure if you have a relapse. Everyone has setbacks. Work out what it’s taught you and go again.

You’re only 30. Having kids does take a toll on body, stress and eating habits. But now it’s time to build a new you 🙂. You can get back to a healthy weight within a couple of years and stay there. The Michael Mosley shows/books are helpful.

You’ve got this 💐❤️

Pre menopause at a point in the month stopping at the garage for petrol I would have to buy peppermint chocolate, I ate it in the car on the way home. Never told husband he'd have thought me selfish. I still don't understand it.

I remember though a poster who would get up during the night, drive to a 24 hour establishment to buy something. She didn't understand why either.

I think you have a food addiction or binge eating disorder. That’s why you lied and hid it. You need to explain and get help. It may be both physiological and mental.

I do the same thing and I know it’s a problem. It’s as if I can compartmentalise my eating, but of course I can’t. I know I’m greedy. I still wouldn’t like to know about the possibility of silent judgement.

My BMI was 54 ...18 months ago.
It's now 29
I went on monjroro.worth every penny.
It feels like a huge mountain to climb ,but the days weeks months fly by when you get going.
I've actually lost 12 stone now
I cycle,row ,swim and walk most days ..did nothing when I started
Haven't really changed what I eat ,I just eat less .
I know you didn't ask for advice..but I thought I'd reply when I saw we had similar BMI

The point is it is lying strictly speaking but isn’t ordinary lying. It is part of shame and guilt from an out of control mental and physical disorder showing as a form of addiction.

OP, I’m busy, I work hard, I’m a nice person, so I treat myself with food in secret because my husband would be like yours.

Out of the blue six months ago I became really ill. Little warning, in hospital and it was scary. I know my diet is a big factor. I wasn’t getting away with it and I ended up in such a bad situation. I’m still not 100% better but I’ll never go back to eating like ever again. My children were devastated and scared. Please learn from this. It’s not going to end well being so unhealthy.

You've done amazingly well done.

DH has lost a stone but is despondent that the weight loss has slowed down. I said that it's normal for it to and suggested that he try on some trousers that no longer fitted him. He tried a pair nah. So tried another pair on. Hallelujah they fitted he was in such a good mood for the rest of the day. It's the little wins.

This.

Your BMI is 49.6 - you’re now morbidly obese.
If I were your DH, I’d be fucking livid at how deceptive and disingenuous you’ve been, pretending you don’t know why you’ve stacked on the weight while the whole time you’ve been pigging out in secret.

Lying is never the option as it destroys lives. And I am finding it very hard to believe that you were 9 stone and now 17 stone. From what you have said it sounds like you have serious issues with regards food and secret eating so what changed to make you develop these issues?! If you always had these issues with food then it is highly unlikely you were ever thin. I know someone like you and they have struggled with weight all their life, now it has gotten worse. But it was always a problem. And no one eats like this when happy, more likely when they are unhappy. There is a huge difference between eating a scoop of icecream or a piece of cake from eating a whole tub or a whole cake. Please get help or it will kill you.