AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

I have no idea where or what Wisley is. But you need to make getting together as easy as possible for the person with two small children, even if it means driving a bit further than you would ideally like.

All very you, you, you, isn't it.

A four year old you've not met. You want her to do more than half the legwork with two kids in tow because you won't get public transport or break up your journey.

Frankly my parents can't do enough for me and I treat my kids the same.

You can't find a solution to this that doesn't require her to put in more effort?

This is a you problem.

It sounds like her suggested venue isn't any less fair in terms of the distance to travel -- about as far for you as Wisley is for her.

And the concentration issue doesn't seem serious enough to outweigh the additional stress of driving with children.

Wisley isn't child unfriendly, but it also doesn't offer them much. It is for gardening enthusiasts.

The vibe I get from your post is that you aren't being any less uncooperative than her in this stand-off, and that you need to find a third potential venue that you can both agree on.

Is there somewhere you could get to by train so you don’t have to drive.

I would suggest that perhaps she apologised because she hoped deep down she was the problem and you weren't who you are.

But you are. I'm sad for her.

In this situation your only option is to say no problem let’s keep looking for somewhere that suits both of us.

There is no other option. Banging on about why your option is so much better than hers is not going to help.

Why won’t you be fully rested and able to drive more than 1.5 hours? Why couldn’t you stop somewhere and have a coffee and a rest then continue on your journey? I think you need to make an effort and drive to her house to meet your grandchildren.

If you want to meet your grandchildren, I think you need to make the effort.

I mean Wisley is a pleasant place that is popular with ppl with young kids - if the weather is good.

But it would be a nightmare drive for her with young dc if its 2 hours plus each way.

If I’ve understood correctly she and her children would spend 5 hrs in the car to get there and back? I have one child of 3 and I wouldn’t do that for a day trip. What’s the back story here as I just can’t believe you aren’t prepared to go and see her to meet her children? You could split the journey over 2 days if need be.

Sorry YABU. She’s got 2 young kids and there are obvious issues. I think you need to make things easy for her. Instead you’re letting this become a source of conflict.

I’ve been to Wisley lots with young kids and it’s fine but not that relaxing, in good weather it can get really busy and in bad weather there’s not a huge amount to do apart from a small soft play. Plus it’s reasonably expensive. It’s great for a couple of hours run around and a coffee but not great for a relaxing chilled day.

If you really can’t drive for longer than 1.5 hours I would also suggest seeing your GP as that sounds a bit extreme. You could have low iron or a dodgy thyroid.

Get a train to where she lives FFS - make the effort for the sake of your son if nothing else.

I also think you need to go to her and meet the kids on their home turf- if necessary on the train or splitting the journey- but potentially stay at an Airbnb etc.

... and I agree with other posters that your post does suggest that you are probably bringing something difficult into your relationship with your daughter. You seem to be focused on finding ways to ensure that she is centring your needs at all costs. Does it make you feel anxious to let go of that focus?

This meeting is about finding some partial resolution of your warring, for the sake of a future event that is very important to another family member. But I get the impression that you are looking backwards and still trying to 'win' earlier battles by forcing concessions from her. Just let go of that, even if it is only for a few months to avoid upsetting DS's wedding.

If you aren't prepared to do that, you are failing to compromise, not just with your daughter, but with your son.

Meeting mid way for a day out is a brilliant idea, but you need something that is child oriented. A park with a picnic maybe or a play centre. We occasionally meet my son and DIL at places like hobbledown heath or buckets farm which would be a lovely day for the whole family and would give plenty todo if conversations got a little tense.

try suggesting you treat them (if you can afford it, maybe monies tight with 2 little ones )

you’re suggesting she travel for 2 hours, that’s 4 return journey that’s a lot with little ones if you plan just a couple of hours after work, you need todo a full day somewhere and meet in the middle at least if not more their side.

What are her suggestions? Surely you can compromise on one of them? I love Wisley but I cannot see the attraction with a toddler. You sound a bit of a control freak. Just agree with her instead of arguing and you do sound like a wuss regarding the driving.

On a nice day, Wisley is very family friendly and kids can run about and have fun. On a wet day, it is not, as there is not much under cover for kids that age.

I get that you say you get tired after 1.5 hours. But, if you are serious about repairing this relationship, you should have accepted her suggestion that she knows will work for her on this occasion.

You both sound as stubborn and uncompromising as each other. Someone needs to back down.

Why is it OK for you to say no to a venue that involves a +2 hour drive for you but not OK for her to say no to one that's +2 hours from her?

I am guessing there is a huge backstory to this that we are not privy to as it sounds like a very fractured relationship.

A four hour round trip with a four year old and a one and a half year old? No thanks. You need to suck it up and get to her somehow.

Op she has small children you haven't met yet. You would be much much better off getting a hotel room near her so you can meet them in her home or somewhere very near her house.

Genuinely it is totally unreasonable to ask for such an emotionally important meet up...that involves a baby and toddler...to take place 2 hours from them at a public day out.

Do you want this meet up to work or not??tell her you will do whatever is most convenient for her and her kids so you can focus on enjoying meeting them.

More agreement with PPs here:
You need to push yourself to be even more accommodating.

Wisley is not great for kids - I've been with mine - and it's very weather dependent.

If you are 1.5hrs drive from Wisley, you are probably approx 1hr from London by train and you should arrange to meet DD there at a place of her choosing.
OR
take the train to her area - this would probably end up being easiest for everyone, even you.

A 4 hour round trip is a long way with young children. I’m not surprised she is hoping you’ll do a bit more of the travel.
You say you’ve been down and spent a day with her recently but haven’t met your grandchildren yet; why couldn’t you meet them on that occasion?
Honestly if I’d never met my young grandchildren I’d be looking at all sorts of ways I could do so ASAP, even if that means driving a bit further than I’d like or using public transport.

I also really don't agree meeting midway is a good idea ! Her kids may have nap routines or she may be tired and the kids get overwhelmed somewhere new.
Surely you want the whole thing to be as relaxed as possible ?

Just offer to visit her and do wha makes it work. This is your daughter ! Surely you would put thst above all other convenience.

Your post gives a lot of insight into why your relationship has broken down. Neither of you seem particularly invested in making it work, and your intransigence over the exact travel time is pushing your daughter, who’s travelling with two very small children, to make all the compromises.

This suggestion is all on your terms. Have you always been this rigid? Do you like everything to be your way? There may be some resistance on her part just because this is yet another example of her having to ‘give in’ and go along with what you want at the expense of what she might prefer.

Given that the meeting is a symbolic ‘meet in the middle’ effort to repair your relationship, I don’t understand why you can’t be more accommodating. The fact you’re suggesting it’s either Wisley or you wash your hands of the whole thing, without ever having met your own grandchildren, frankly says more about you than her.

And your daughter crying when asked certain ‘pertinent’ questions in therapy is not necessarily the vindication of your parenting that you seem to think it is.

why aren't you just driving to something near them and stopping on the way somewhere to rest?

A park or something that the kids like doing, just for a couple of hours together, not a whole day while you are all getting used to each other.

Yanbu to suggest Wisley but it clearly doesn't work for her. It's not a win/lose situation.

(Edited after I worked out the distance to Dd rather than DS!)