AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

You say she apologised for her behaviour last time. Did you apologise for yours?

From the sounds of it you have both offered a solution that the other has deemed unworkable, so you need a new solution that works for both of you. Bear in mind she isn't thinking solely about herself but about small children who may be quite irritable after doing a long journey (and surely you want to meet them for the first time when everyone is at their best)

Yeah, they’re running on the plants because there’s nothing else for them to do- it isn’t set up well for kids.

As a grandparent, I would always expect to be the one making the effort. You need to focus on what would work for your daughter and then make it work for you.
I can’t believe you didn’t know that !

im late 50s and Wisley would not be somewhere I would take my 4 year old grandchild and a baby

You've looked it seems to fit something you'd like, you need to be looking for a soft play place or something suitable to children under 4

a quick google in the same general area and I can find "woking surrey soft play activities for children under 4" was my google search

https://www.themuckycowplaycafe.co.uk

https://www.chobhamadventurefarm.co.uk

https://mazzybeessoftplay.com

There are plenty more in the area that may be more suitable

What’s the back story? Has your relationship always been difficult? Why have you fallen out in the past. Personally I’d be moving heaven and earth to meet my grandkids.

Obviously having 2 small children is a 21st century difficulty, no-one ever travelled with children before! Why does having 2 small children trump struggling to drive more than 1 1/2 hour?

agree with this ^

plan a stop after an hour and a half at a service station and set of earlier to have raids that are not so busy

You say your DDs solution is unworkable because it is 2 hours from you but also say your solution is over 1.5 hours from her with a young child and baby. If driving isn't great for you why not catch public transport? If you're not willing to, I would suggest being honest with your son rather than messing DD about, that being a good Mum isn't a priority to you but you can both agree to be civil on the day.

She only struggles to drive for over an hour and a half if she’s had a busy day. She could take it easy in the morning and drive in the afternoon.

I wouldn’t be signing up for a 4 hour round trip with two little ones - particularly to someone who told me to go away and read the website before answering.

My mother is a really rubbish mother, but since my kids were born she's taken a flight to see them multiple times a year, even when she really wasn't well. I never insisted - she wanted to do it. If she had never seen them and then tried to worm out of a visit by complaining about details, I'd be done with her. It would be too much for me to put up with.

You really, really need to be far more flexible than this.

I like Wisley, but honestly it really is not an ideal meet up for a family day out with young children. It's for gardening enthusiasts not a top attraction for young children. Honestly it's all wrong for what you want. There are plenty of other better options.

Why can’t you do an overnight stay? If it ever got to a point, where it was so difficult between my dd and me that I hardly saw her and didn’t know her kids, I’d be biting her hand off, taking the train, whatever I needed to do. If you’re this rigid with her in general, I can imagine there was quite a lot of fault on your side.

You struggle to drive more than 1.5 hours when you're tired (I'm guessing the return trip is where you struggle?). That's fair enough. But what you're forgetting is that she has two young children and travelling is also hard for her. She suggested somewhere and you said no. She suggested somewhere and you're not taking no for an answer.

So, you have a choice, either don't see her or think of another way to do it. You have a few options: public transport to somewhere closer to hers that she suggests that will work for her and the kids, drive to somewhere closer to hers but where you can stay overnight before coming home, public transport to hers with an overnight, drive and go and stay near her but stay an extra night so you're coming home in the morning after a night's sleep.

In those circumstances I don’t blame your DD for not wanting to travel that far with two young children. I think YABU to expect that.

Sorry, I wouldn’t want to do a 4 hour round trip for a day out with a 4 year old and a 15 month old. That’s bonkers.

With children that age, I think one of you needs to travel and stay overnight. Can you travel up by train? A 4 hour each way trip for one night is also quite a lot for children that age. I think realistically if they can’t come to you for several nights and you want to build the relationship, the onus is on you to make the journey so you can actually spend time with them, not after 6 hours in the car when they are overtired and your dd is frazzled.

3 and 15 months is peak awful in the back of the car when you're driving solo. And actually regarding the sarcy comment about it being a new problem, I'm pretty sure my mum didn't drive me over 2 hours each way, on her own, for a day out in the 80s.

If you want a relationship with your daughter and grandchildren then you should find a way to get to hers, because frankly it sounds like she’s not too fussed. Probably because she’s busy living her life with a young family and you’ve not even met her children yet. You are not a part of your daughter’s life. If you want to be, then you need to make the effort.

I love Wisley, it's a great day out. But honestly OP, she's got two tiny kids in tow, you need to make more of an effort. I'm afraid I'm team DD here

If she's 4 hours away from you and Wisley is 1.5 hours away from you, that makes it at least 2.5 hours for her (assuming it is on the direct line between you - more if it isn't). That's more than "a bit further".

Things must be bad if you can't be trusted to be polite for a few hours at a wedding!

The venue doesn’t matter. Meet in a MacDonalds in a small town centre if you have to. This is a massive opportunity to see your grandchildren for the very first time - wow. Get a train somewhere and a hotel. Make it easy and flexible. Go to her house if easier and take public transport.

It's not just travelling with 2 small children though. I'm sure if it was a journey the same distance to "most amazing children paradise" with people she liked, it wouldn't be such an issue.

It's the combination of journey time (over 5 hours in total); the place not being suitable and it being likely to be a stressful meeting that just add up to "far too much".

Chessington is close to Wisley, that would be a better place for little kids.

You haven’t met your grandchild…who is for years old? But then you say you went for a day out at your daughters a couple of months ago? Where were the children then? This is all very odd. You also say you’ve been twice and stayed in hotels, why didn’t you meet the children then?
Also you say you don’t want to drive more than 1.5 hours after a busy day because you get tired. Do you have no annual leave? Can you not go at the weekend? Why are you restricting yourself to going at the end if a work day?
Sounds like you’re making a LOT of excusesof.

Good grief you should most definitely go to her! You cba making an effort to see your grandchildren who you have never seen? Suck it up, get in the car and do it.