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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

391 replies

Buzyizzy217 · Today 08:44

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

OP posts:
liamharha · Today 09:14

You haveny met your 4 yr old grandchild yet and you like in the same country
Wow .
I thoughty in-laws where bad with 4 visits a year living 10 mins away but this is wild

Silverbirchleaf · Today 09:15

Could you go by train instead?

HollyIvie · Today 09:15

I think you should be doing everything in your power to se your grandchildren. Not sure what has gone on in the past but maybe time to try and start again. I can’t imagine not have met my grandchildren. If you get tired after a busy day why not get up early on a Saturday morning/day off and you can be there by lunch? Otherwise I would be looking at train times. I also live 4 hours from family and see them every 4-6 weeks. There are always solutions and think there needs to be give and take on both sides for the sake of the grandkids and the wedding.

Octavia64 · Today 09:16

I’m disabled.

i can’t drive far.
i get the train.

so does my 80 year old mum.

honestly, can’t speak to your relationship in general but with young kids you need to go to her.

Iloveeverycat · Today 09:17

I would go on a train.

Seeline · Today 09:17

Take a couple of days off work and take your time driving down and back with a couple of days staying in a nearby hotel/B and B/AirBnB.
Or go down for the weekend.

2 x 2 hour drives in a day with very young kids is a lot.
And whilst I'm happy to do a 4hr drive at nearly 60, I agree there and back in a day is a lot, although have done it for my DCs at uni.

I can't believe you haven't met your 4yo GC when she is only 4 hours away. Is there a train?

Whyarepeople · Today 09:17

She made a suggestion but because it's a little farther than your suggestion, you've said no. So you expect her to drive 4ish hours round trip with two small children? What?

You are the parent in this relationship. Do you understand what that means?

How are you not utterly desperate to meet your grandchildren. You've had a GC for four years and you haven't even set eyes on them. Why are you not moving heaven and earth to make it work?

Groaaan · Today 09:18

Ever heard of a train? Can not believe you haven’t met your 4 year old grandchild

Citadelica · Today 09:18

If you're still working and that's why you're too exhausted to drive maybe take some annual leave and go down by train and see her , as pp suggest stay in an air bnb.

It's worth putting the effort in imo.

pinkfondu · Today 09:19

Out of interest who moved ?

TheWineoftheChicken · Today 09:20

Why should all the compromise be hers? This is one of those threads where I’d really like to hear her side of the story.
Maybe it’s best you don’t attend your son’s wedding as it sounds like you’re not going to be able to be in good terms with your daughter, and you may ruin the day for him.

Heronwatcher · Today 09:20

Also, the “go and read the website before you text” comment would have really wound me up. When my kids were that age I barely had time to read my own address let alone anything else. Plus her point is that it’s not familiar to her- basically she was saying she wasn’t keen. At that point you should have asked what she’d prefer not dug your heels in. Do you find it difficult to “read” people often?

Honestly I think you really need to think about your interactions with her more carefully or if not just communicate by text/ phone before the wedding as I think you’re in danger of making things worse.

ConverselyAttired · Today 09:20

I don't know why you're bothering. Your post reeks of indifference at best and your only motivation for making the effort is because your DS (golden child by any chance) told you to.

Barney16 · Today 09:22

I think you need to make more effort. If the relationship is so fractured you haven't met your GC and now you have a chance to change that relationship you should be jumping at the chance.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · Today 09:23

MyThreeWords · Today 08:51

It sounds like her suggested venue isn't any less fair in terms of the distance to travel -- about as far for you as Wisley is for her.

And the concentration issue doesn't seem serious enough to outweigh the additional stress of driving with children.

Wisley isn't child unfriendly, but it also doesn't offer them much. It is for gardening enthusiasts.

The vibe I get from your post is that you aren't being any less uncooperative than her in this stand-off, and that you need to find a third potential venue that you can both agree on.

Wisley isn't child unfriendly, but it also doesn't offer them much. It is for gardening enthusiasts.

You'd think it was a play park the number of kids we see there since they've really pushed family memberships. We stopped being members because every time we went there were screaming kids, running on grass that has been roped off not to go on, going on the borders trampling on plants, while their mums are busily chatting with other mums totally oblivious to what their little darlings are doing.

Eenameenadeeka · Today 09:23

I think you should go and stay overnight close to her. Either drive or train if you can. It's too much for her to do that with 2 young children. Surely you'd like to meet your own grandchildren.

Happyjoe · Today 09:24

Nothing wrong with Wisley, it's a lovely place to visit. But it's too far for such young grandchildren, though they'd probably sleep like a log after a day out in Wisley and all that walking.. Can you get the train somewhere nearer?

Tulipsriver · Today 09:25

HedgehogsOnTheWall · Today 08:49

I have no idea where or what Wisley is. But you need to make getting together as easy as possible for the person with two small children, even if it means driving a bit further than you would ideally like.

This hits the nail on the head.

She has two small children, the meet-up should happen wherever is easiest for her and most enjoyable for your grandchildren.

Are you genuinely considering not seeing your daughter and grandchildren, who you have never met, because you're not getting your own way on venue?

TheWineoftheChicken · Today 09:26

Happyjoe · Today 09:24

Nothing wrong with Wisley, it's a lovely place to visit. But it's too far for such young grandchildren, though they'd probably sleep like a log after a day out in Wisley and all that walking.. Can you get the train somewhere nearer?

That’s exactly one of the reasons I wouldn’t want to do it… at those ages mine would sleep the 2 hours in the car home after a full day out, then be up all bloody night because they’d slept in the car!

MyThreeWords · Today 09:28

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · Today 09:23

Wisley isn't child unfriendly, but it also doesn't offer them much. It is for gardening enthusiasts.

You'd think it was a play park the number of kids we see there since they've really pushed family memberships. We stopped being members because every time we went there were screaming kids, running on grass that has been roped off not to go on, going on the borders trampling on plants, while their mums are busily chatting with other mums totally oblivious to what their little darlings are doing.

Show quote history

Yeah. Worst of both worlds. It overpromises to children because it needs the revenue from family visits. So you get masses of kids around, for whom all it really provides is an outdoor space. But precisely not the sort of outside space that is for being wild and free in. Its an outdoor space for adults to enjoy looking at interesting plants. I love it to bits because I am probably of the same sort of age as the OP, and a plant nut, but it really isn't a great place to drive to for 2.5 hours(!) with kids.

QuaintGreenFawn · Today 09:28

My kids are a similar age and love Wisley. However I wouldn't drive that far with them in one day. I think you need to go closer to them and stay overnight in a hotel/B&B and drive back the next day. Or get the train/coach as others have said.

Ask her where the kids would like to go.

ColdAsAWitches · Today 09:29

I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.

So go in the morning! This is one of the most pathetic excuses for ignoring your family that I've seen on here.

Shamesame · Today 09:29

As an owner of a small child who hates being in the car and has to make a four hour journey soon, the mental coordination I’m having to do to make the journey bare able for us is intense.

I agree, get a train or take a break midway through your journey.

BendingSpoons · Today 09:29

Wisley is a nice place for kids that age, but it's maybe quite a long drive for them with 2 small kids.

You say you can manage a longer drive when rested. What is your personal life like? Could you e.g. take a day off work to be more rested?

I understand you have done more of the leg work, but this is your DD and grandchildren, and is important to your son, so I would try to be flexible again and travel a bit further. What was the issue with her suggestion? Too far?

redskyAtNigh · Today 09:30

I wouldn't want to go to Wisley with children those ages.
I wouldn't want to do a day trip with those distances to a place I wasn't that keen on.
I wouldn't want to do a day trip with that amount of travelling with young children.
I wouldn't want to do something that my difficult mother had decided without any thought for my own needs.

I don't know why the relationship broke down, but you don't sound that bothered about fixing it. So maybe it's best left distant, and you both just agree to be polite at DS's wedding.