AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

You've got bridges to mend. Something's got to give to have any chance of fixing this relationship. You need to consider investing time and effort if you want to make progress.

You don't want to solve this, you want to be right.

I hope that is a comfort to you in your later years - you've missed a significant chunk of your grandchildren's life, but you've made a point and stamped your feet. Well done you.

OP, you said you made the effort to go down and see your DD twice and stayed in a hotel each time.

This must've been years ago if you haven't met the grandchildren yet as the oldest is almost four !

It needs to be sorted out , can't you get a train, get a coach ?

Exactly what I was thinking. This assumption that people must dance attendance on those with small children, to the exclusion of anyone else's equally legitimate requirements, is so entitled.

You're making everything about you except for the reason you haven't met your grandchildren.

It sounds like choice of venue may be part of a power play. Why is it so difficult for you to make more of the effort to visit? Do you genuinely want to reconcile or just go through the motions to keep your ds happy? Is he perhaps the favoured child?

So, actually, your daughter doesn't want you in her home then? She wants to meet at a neutral venue, not her home? You could still take Public transport to another venue, and stay in a hotel near the venue she wants to meet at.

I’d just leave it. You’re causing her a lot of stress. You assume her kids are just like your kids where plenty of small children are terrible travellers. Just agree to meet up at the wedding and be polite.

I’m waiting for her to come up with a suitable place to spend about 3 hrs including lunch. I have not backed away because she doesn’t agree. I would point out she agreed to a place about 10 miles from there last year, only didn’t happen due to my ongoing medical issues.

I'm not surprised your son told you to sort yourselves out, this is ridiculous.

She's your child, for heaven's sake. Put some effort in. She has a preschool child and a toddler, which is a nightmare for 5 hours driving to spend and afternoon with someone they don't know.

Stop looking for excuses. If you love your son at all, make some effort to patch things up with your daughter. Petty points scoring of who travelled the furthest is just making it worse.

Set off early, or drive the night before and stay in a hotel, or get a train and an Uber.

Did you read my post? I think not.

Agree with everyone else. If she lives four hours away then the starting point should be you meet somewhere 2 hours from both of you - although in practice most people would expect the person bringing two small children to drive a shorter distance.

You're being pedantic over about 35-40 minutes if youre happy to drive 1 and a half hrs to wisley but not just over 2 hours to where she suggested.

If its not a problem to drive further distances when youre not tired then just arrange the meetup for a day when you haven't been working!

You seem to be prioritising who is right/wrong on technicalities against meeting your own grandchild!

Hey, I’ve tried. I’ve done trips down there that I couldn’t afford and I definitely can’t afford to do another one with hotel. That’s an absolute no.

She hasn’t asked her mum to ‘dance attendance’, just for a more equal split in travelling time. She made a suggestion that her mum refused because it involved 2 hours in the car for her, which as they are 4 hours apart suggests it would be similar for the daughter. So pretty equal. She isn’t asking her mum to come the whole way, she just doesn’t want to do a 4 hour round trip to take her young children to a formal garden.

I think the issue here is that the OP for whatever reason has not met her GC yet (one of which is 4 years old) and thinks she cannot drive for more than an hour and half alone, but the DD can drive for 2 and a half hours there, and then same back for one day out with 2 small DC.

Its not about "dancing attendance" its about a parent basically saying DD and GDC are really not that important to her, and shes only "making up" because her DS is getting married and asked her to. Its not about the DD having small dc and not wanting to drive 5 hours in a day, not by a long chalk.

Its about the amount of effort OP will put in. My DSis would crawl over hot fucking coals to see her GDC. I don't have any.

I know my own DM was the same, always me me me - thats why we a very low contact these days.

We don’t know who you’re replying to.

Why do you need to “point out” why can’t you just suggest the place she mentioned last year?

Stop trying to make yourself right and her wrong. Everything sounds like a conflict with you.

OP can drive over 1 and half hours - its in the op

I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.

Why go after a busy day?

I’m confused. You said you’ve been to see her a few times and went out for lunch so why haven’t you met your grandchildren?

We've all read your posts. Your son wants you and your daughter to straighten things out before his wedding.

You are manufacturing problems to insist your daughter travels more than you do, to RHS Wisely. You aren't prepared to be more flexible or accommodating.

If my mother hadn't met my 4 year old child, I wouldn't be making a 5 hour round trip in a day either. The onus is on you to sort it out.

Do it for your son if you can't bring yourself to do it for your daughter and grandchildren.

Maybe because I know my limits. I physically can’t do any further. I have had an accident previously before the reasons for my fatigue were discovered and I’m certainly not risking another one. That was 2 years ago and I am now extremely careful. Imagine if I went further and was so tired I killed someone. Not happening.

Yes, they are children. Who you haven't met. Your children may have travelled well, or your memory may not have all the tricky times. Which is extremely common, to hold on to the positive but not negative times.

On the face of it, a sole person expecting a parent of young children to travel further for a day out is unreasonable. You have some reasons you don't want to travel further back home, which is fine, but there are ways around it as many others here have mentioned. You have focussed on her attention to detail about the destination, to me it wouldn't be about that.

Ultimately, this will depend on how much effort it is worth to you. We don't know enough about your history, her past behaviour etc that may be making you more defensive. But talking about it as an isolated event, I would expect you to travel at least as far, if not further and come up with ways to make it work for you.

I would take out a bank loan to go and see my grandchildren. I don’t understand you at all.

Chinese proverb: ‘water that is too clear has no fish’. Roughly translates as the person that chooses to be right lives a lonely life.

Don’t prioritise being right over being part of your grandchildren’s lives.

You need to quote the person you’re replying to, otherwise we have no idea which comment your post is aimed at.