AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

Generally speaking I find that if someone really wants to do something, they will work out the logistics and get on and do it

If they don't want to do it, there will be excuses, problems, delaying tactics etc etc

From what I'm reading here, OP is paying lip service to her DS's request to sort things out but has no real intention of doing so

I think from the OPs replies we can conclude it’s because the she has been kept away due to her personality and previous clashes- and those visits have been to try and repair the relationship so the kids have been kept away from any stress or unpleasantness.

You are coming across as your way or the highway!
She has children you need to make more effort.

The problem is, you’ve never met these children so you don’t know if they travel well or not, or if they’d enjoy a place like Wisley. You don’t know them.

Then go by public transport. The barriers are of your own making.

I wouldn’t do that for anyone and especially not someone that clearly didn’t like me. I am not putting my young children (not myself!!) through:

• 5 hours of driving in a single day (longer if any road issues and high potential for sleeping in car on way home meaning nightmare night ahead) plus the boredom and restriction of long journey
• a unsuitable venue not child friend. Where are the suppose to burn off energy after being stuck in a car for so long? Running in the flower beds according to PP who have been there. I wouldn’t allow my DC to do that so I’d be constantly trying to keep them on the walking paths and whole thing sounds stressful
• meeting their grandparent for the FIRST time at 4 years old in the circumstances described above. No one wants to meet a stranger after a massive car journey and at a boring destination. It’s bound to be a disaster.

Your posts are very much you you you and there isn’t any sign you are compromising at all. Ideally you’d travel to your DD hometown or nearby breaking your journey up as much as needed. Then stay overnight in hotel and meet at a venue she knows will entertain her chilsren such as their local farm, park, softplay. Meet your grandchildren in an environment they will feel safe and happy in.

My sister and my eldest niece are similarly intractable, but not you as their distances are different.
Neither will compromise even a tiny bit, various members of the family get caught in the middle and it makes a lot of us sad.
I have tried to reason with my sister that as the parent maybe she should be the one to compromise, but she refuses. It is so sad for the rest us and makes any kind of family event so very hard I can see why your son wants to bang your heads together.
If you were my sister I would say take a deep breath accept your DDs suggested location suck up the tiredness. Meet you grandchildren, bite your tongue all day and get to the point that you can pleasant to each other on DSs wedding day otherwise you are going to fall out with two of your children.

You actually wrote in your post that you would back away if she didn't agree.

If the tone of your posts is the tone of how you communicate with her then you need to think about that. Could you try therapy again, starting on your own? Clearly this situation is making you angry and upset but you need to take the heat out of the way you communicate.

Can you find somewhere reasonably accessible by train?

Does your Dd know you have health issues that affect your driving?

You need to either quote people (hit where it says “quote” at tut bottom of their message or them (type @ and then their username) or your responses aren’t clear as to who you are talking to.

I don't think it matters - the OP is shouting into the void that she's right and her daughter isn't.

I think it's clear why they are not getting along.

Imagine penny pinching and protesting when it's the first chance to see her two grandchildren. I'm in a wheelchair and had to surrender my licence and I'd be there in a heartbeat for heaven's sake.

I’d suggest meeting her in the nearest town to her with a rail station. She can drive there. You can stay overnight in a hotel if need be.

You're not suggesting Wisley though are you, you're insisting.

I hope this is not a reverse. Or perhaps I kind of hope it is, for your daughter and grandchildren's sake.

Make the effort, for your son jf you won't do it for your daughter. Find somewhere closer to your daughter that has more to keep the 4 year old busy.

I don't think your daughter is the only one who needs help.

I think the busy day is the return journey after driving there, 3 hours with lunch etc

Have you heard of taxis or ubers at all OP?

In all honesty, in your shoes, I'd get some therapy before I broached a meeting, because if this is where you're at in your thinking, it's only going to end badly. You seem incapable of thinking about things from anyone else's point of view and you show no care or consideration for your daughter. I'm guessing she will have said this to you already and you just focused on how hurt you felt.

You are coming across as inflexible, so it’s interesting that is exactly what you’re accusing your DD of being.

Not sure what the answer is, but insisting she looks at the details of a place she’s already said no to probably isn’t going to help.

I’m not going to google what Wisley is as I suspect it doesn’t matter.

I don’t think saying “it’s this place or nothing” is the right attitude to take, esp when she has young children. Very young. 2.5 hours each way (so 5 in total) isn’t going to work for her.

Why can’t you travel when you are rested rather than after work?

I think you are going to have to go closer to her rather than insisting on some sort of 2 hour travel cut off, esp as you seem to think she can do more than 2 hours. I also think it should be something primarily child focussed, not just that’s ok for kids.

There needs to be lots of child orientated facilities as she’ll need to turn around and drive home with them.

Or just go to hers on a day when you will be rested!

Edit - but also don’t use the worded “rested” to her or your need to be rested. She’s probably forgotten what it feels like to feel “rested” with two that age and it’ll just irritate.

You know your limits and your DD knows hers and her children's. Five hours is a lot of driving for small children, I am not sure I would want to put the kids through five hours in a car for a meet up that has the potential to be very tense.

OP you sound exactly like my (absolute nightmare) MIL. I have three children under four and we live over four hours from her, yet she’s obsessed with us coming to stay with her for “fairness” - despite the fact the house is totally unsuitable (stuff everywhere, open pond, unfinished building work etc). She’s mid sixties and drives abroad at least twice a year but apparently it’s too much effort to come to us.

Could work around things if she was actually nice or interested in the kids, but the overall picture means it’s just not worth the awfulness of putting them all in the car (disrupted naps, car sickness, fighting etc).

She refuses to visit us as she’s been to ours twice now since my eldest was born so it’s not her “turn” and won’t consider us staying in a Hotel near her as it’s “not the same”. As a result she’s not met our twins and seems unlikely to any time soon….

I'm not quite sure where you're coming from and where she is, but if you're happy to drive to Surrey, then how about Birdworld, Peppa Pig World or quite close to Wisley is Bocketts Farm World.
I'm a DGM now and weekly do a 5hr round trip to see my DD and DGC, and if i couldn't do that, I would be on train and buses.
As others posters have mentioned I would say that spending time with them in their own home is important.
I would also address the underlying issues first and if it doesn't work out, I guess you will go towards the way of no contact at some point.

Could you travel to your son's and stay there for a couple of nights? Then take a day trip from there to meet up with your DD. So a midway point would be 1.5 hours drive for each of you. I think it would be good to let your DD pick the venue as she has 3 family members to accommodate. Alternatively, would your son go with you, splitting the driving between you? You might be able to meet somewhere much closer to DD then.

YABU - get public transport or break your drive up. The person without kids should always make more of the effort travel wise. Also it's so much easier to have a conversation in someone's house than out and about, with children.

Really not too difficult to work out why the OP has a tricky relationship with her daughter. Amazing she's got one at all, really.

You want your daughter to drive 2.5 hours each way with very young children, for a day out, so you can meet them?

Nope. Take public transport. Book a hotel or B&B walking distance from her house. Buy presents. Bring dinner. Help out. Be a good mother and grandmother. Maybe that will improve the relationship. If she doesn't want you in her home, for now, be fine with that and offer to meet in a local park, soft play, or family attraction, convenient to her.

BTW I adore Wisley and it is a gorgeous day out if not raining. But make the effort to visit your grandchildren. And train yourself to have the capacity to appreciate how exhausting it is for her to have to get two very young children ready, drive 2.5 hours (probably more as they will need loo stops and may get carsick etc) and then do the journey in reverse when they are exhausted and fractious. Have you forgotten what it's like to have young children?