AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

It's not Wisely that's the problem, it's you saying you are going to 'back away' if she won't agree. It sounds as if you are not that bothered to have a relationship with her.

Wisley isn't great for kids, I think they'd be bored. I can't imagine a 4 hour round trip with two young children would be much fun either.

If you want to rebuild this relationship you need to make an effort and be the driver if she is reticent. You haven't said why your relationship is strained but it sounds like you both have issues with each other. Sometimes it's good to really look at it from the other person's point of view, no matter how wrong you think they are or how hurtful it is. Write down the problem as if it's your daughter writing, try to cut out all your feelings and wants.

You sound miserable and inflexible.

You're asking her to do 4+ hours travelling with tiny kids. If I had never met my 4yo grandchild I'd be bending over backwards to accommodate that meeting.

So you say a 2 hour drive is too much for you and yet you're suggesting a romp around Wisley which is surely more tiring than the drive!

I think you're being very unreasonable. If you want a relationship with your daughter and grandkids, or to make things better for the whole family, including your son, you need to be more flexible. You might be tired, but suck it up.

Just look at your post again...... it's all about you and what you want. Hhhmmmm....

At the end of the day, if you’re that bothered, and you’re the one with fewer commitments, then you want to be able to say to your son “I’ve done absolutely everything I can do”
so you get the train, you stay in a TRavelodge the night before to ensure you’re fully rested, you suggest to dd that she takes the dc and you to somewhere suitable local to her (their favourite petting farm, or soft play or whatever) and you just concentrate on having a pleasant day with nothing too deep - it’s not the occasion for the deep stuff. And sometimes the deep stuff is easier to deal with once you’ve had some easy-going, relaxed time just being Grandma watching the kids having fun.

Agree. We had an twice yearly trip to see grandparents and other relatives that were 2.5 hours away; it was always with both our parents, and we always stayed over.
The trip was only twice yearly because the journey was considered too far, and my GPs didn't want to travel.

Not just in the same country, but, per the OP, she was in their house (at her DD's place) a few months ago. Yet, for some reason, didn't see her grandchildren then?

I’ve offered, but it would mean me being collected by them or a bus ride at the end, neither of which I have any objection to at all. But fallen on deaf ears.

How have you not met the 4year old yet?

YABU as it's not really halfway between you it it? Quite apart from the unsuitability of the venue. I don't understand how you can be planning this outing after a busy day. Surely her children have a bedtime that won't allow for a meeting after work?
Have you considered taking a train to the meeting point? You might find that easier and more relaxing.

I would suggest travelling to your daughter not after a busy day so you can manage the full distance. Rest on the way if required and /or stay overnight in a hotel. Maybe a train? She has two small children so unless she is coming to you for several days it is an unreasonable amount of travel for her.
If I had not met my grandchildren, I'd move heaven and earth to make it happen, not complain she hadn't read the website before rejecting your suggestion. Your post is very 'you' focused on what 'you' can manage. How do you think she will manage to travel long distances with very small children around their naps / feeds etc? What consideration did you give that? You making some stops because you are tired seems much easier to me!
Personally, I'd go so far as to say if my only grandchildren are 4 hrs away and I can't manage the distance, I'd have seriously considered moving closer to them so I can seem them regularly.

I think you need to reconsider the drive from her perspective. She has a 4 year old and 15 month old. You want her to drive around 2.5 hours each way for a day out. Thats quite a long time in a car across the day for 2 little ones. The 15 month old particularly will be hard to entertain. And likely to fall asleep on the way back, which would likely make bedtime a nightmare.

Completely understand you are trying to drive safely yourself, but its not necessarily about the destination for your DD. It could appear like you are being very selfish by expecting her to travel further with young children, making less of an effort when just preparing for a day out for her will be more difficult.

Can you get the train somewhere? Or do as you have done before and find somewhere to stay overnight near where you meet to delay the journey. Maybe somewhere within an hour and a half from your DS, closer to your DD, and stay with him overnight as he is 3 hours from her?

So you want to make it easier for you but harder on your Dd and your grandchildren?

Excuse me, we drove miles and miles with ours, not a problem, I’ve flown with them, they’re children, not wild animals. Never had an issue.

The fact that you haven't met your grandchildren and the oldest one is nearly 4 suggests that there is a lot more happening here than you have told us.

Obviously, we don't know the whole story, but you appear very inflexible and expecting your daughter to do most of the work.

If you want to repair your relationship you are going to need to put a lot of effort into it. Not ask your daughter to make a 5 hour round trip to an RHS garden, with two small children in tow. While you do a 3 hour round trip and can't go any further because you lose focus. Because to her (and to me), that just looks like you couldn't really care less about meeting your grandchildren and sorting out your relationship.

What do you mean by this?

Are you saying you have suggested dates and to get yourself there? with the bus ride? Surely you dont mean they should collect you from home?

I'm not sure why you would be considering a 4 hour drive at the end of a busy day anyway (from your op) ?

@Buzyizzy217 There is obviously a back story here and without it it's difficult to come to any conclusion other than YABU, from the way you have written your post, I'm sorry.

Why have you never met either of your grandchildren when you were down to see your daughter a couple of months ago? Never seen the 4 year old at all?

That's odd that you went to see her where she lives but you didn't see them? Has your daughter decided up to now, that you shouldn't see them for a reason you haven't said?

If you want advice on here, you need to be honest about the back story and be willing to look at yourself, if you want genuine change in your relationship. At the moment you are coming across, in your post as 'It's my way, or not at all' in all your relationship with your daughter?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, as you must be hurting, but asking your daughter to travel 2+ hours each way is very selfish. You are still working, so not an old lady, and can put yourself out, more than she can, so travel to her/ stay in a hotel etc.

Its easier for one person to travel than it is for 4 with young children.

do you want to see them?

But we are not talking about you, what you did is irrelevant, it’s no wonder you haven’t met the grandchildren if you can only make it about you.

She has 2 children and she's your daughter. Sort out public transport and go down f a few days and meet your grandchildren.

I think it sounds like you’re both being a little bit tricky about this, probably due to emotions being high. As this is really important (both meeting DGC and your DS’s wedding), I’d pull out all the stops and drive the 2+ hours to where she suggests (with plenty of rest stops etc) then get a cheap hotel overnight and drive back the next day to make sure you’re rested.

Is your son's house en route to your daughter? If so could you arrange to include him on the day out. You could drive to his, then have him drive the rest of the way?

If someone who I was fairly sure didn’t like me suggested I do a 5 hour round trip with a baby and a 4yo to go somewhere that sounds like it’s targeted at their demographic (not actually heard of it - sorry) then I’d think they weren’t actually that bothered about seeing me. 5 hours is a big drive with kids that age and it’s on a background of a terrible relationship. If I was the dm/dgm in that I’d be looking at going the whole way on public transport or diving but with an overnight stay.

I’ve just looked at the place on the map. Is one of you crossing London? It looks absolutely surrounded by places with good rail links.

Get the train or break your journey up and stop being so selfish.

This.

You're expecting more from your daughter than you're willing to give yourself. Your comment about driving a five hour round trip with a 15 month old and a 4 year old being fine because children aren't wild animals deserves to be met with the rejoinder that you are presumably in your late 60s (i.e. working age or only just retired) not your 90s.

Stay over in a hotel after the meet-up.

I cannot get my head around you not having met your four year old grandchild but being too stubborn to stay a night in a hotel to facilitate doing so.

Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me.

But its more than 2 hours for her? and thats ok? She's in the wrong?

Train at the weekend? (You)
Some halfway alternatives to Wisley e.g https://www.hobbledown.com/epsom

It may not seem ‘fair’ to you that you drive miles, blah blah, but if she finds it hard to travel on her own with a child and toddler, she does. You either want this to work or you don’t, and being competitive and a martyr about who puts in most effort will sabotage it.