Would you mind your DD being the only girl in her class at school?

[SNAMES]

DD is 5. She attends a lovely Indy and we’re really happy with the school.
However, she’s one of 3 girls (sorry - title wasn’t long enough to be more specific!) in her class of 20.
She hasn’t really made any friends yet which breaks my heart as she’s such a sociable little girl normally.

DD is also the only white British child in the class (which didn’t bother me - hence still sending her to the school). The other children are lovely, but incredibly quiet and reserved which I think is a cultural thing, and may also be a factor in DD not making friends.

What would you do here? DD is a very girly girl and much prefers playing with girls over boys.

I've worked in First and Infant schools for approximately 15 years and I find that it does matter what kind of ratio boy to girls there are in a class. Some girls are happy to play with both girls/boys equally, others prefer playing with boys, some girls will play with just girls and others will play with boys occasionally but predominantly girls.

You know the ratio between boys and girls can't be changed, so you have several choices:

1. Speak to the school and see if they can encourage and help your daughter to make friends with both sexes.
2. Leave everything as it is, and see if friendships develop on their own.
3. Find a different school with better boys to girls ratio.

At the moment, as your daughter is only 5, it may not make too much difference but the older she becomes it might. All children are different, so there's no wrong or right answer. It boils down to how your child is, and what's best for her.

My DD is a girl that will only play with other girls unless there is a boy that approaches her (then she might be persuaded!). Deep down I think she needs to be around more girls but it’s a shame as I love the school.

You should give her a chance. She might thrive.

Yes I’d be moving her. I think the question is not “would I mind?” but “would DD mind?” and yes I think she would.

My DD was one of only two girls in her nursery class but I think it’s less of a thing at that age, and becomes more of an issue the older they get.

I moved as a child, so my brother and I started a new school in the middle of the school year (I was 8 and he was 7). On the first day, the school secretary escorted us to our classes, and we went to my brother’s class first. I vividly remember one girl running up excitedly yelling “yay, we got a new
girl, in this class there are 9 girls and 20 boys so we need another girl!” And sadly the secretary had to tell her that it was my brother that was joining that class, and I was going to a different one!

DS is now at uni but when we were looking for reception classes the nearest state primary was almost 100% Asian. It was outstanding but the lack of diversity troubled me and we opted to send him to a more mixed primary which was fantastic. He then moved to a different primary (we moved house) which was again diverse. He had an amazing time and both (state primary) schools were brilliant. He then went to Dulwich college, did well and is loving uni. He still sees his primary friends, goes on holiday with them - life long relationships. I’m so pleased he had that start in life. He has commented that some of his DC friends who were privately educated from 4 have missed out.

My daughter was the only girl in a class of 11. It’s gone up to theee girls now.
I did worry but I think now it’s really made her well rounded, she gets on with everyone, there are far less issues as she gets older with girls falling out etc.,

we contemplated pulling her out but now at 8 we are so glad we didn’t. Everyone comments how lovely and well balanced she is. She does brownies and football with equal enthusiasm and has lots of friends of both sexes. I suspect it depends on your child a bit and also your family style. We have older boys and my girl is quite adventurous and has thrived.

All the children bar your daughter are from the same different culture? Or a mix of different ones?

If there was only going to be two other girls with her throughout primary school then I do think that might not be great. But at that age kids shouldn't really be bothered by sex. It's more when she gets a little older.

Did the school used to be boys only? It does seem unusual for there to be such an imbalance. Maybe some GCSE subjects or FE courses might be having the vast majority one sex. But a school year as a whole that young is a bit different.

You could just send her to your local school where there will be a mix of kids and she can find who she gels with.

You chose this for her.

Have you actually checked the class sizes of your local state primaries? My DS has 24 in his class. Strangely there are less girls in his class too, but not as extreme - I think 8 out of 24.

Personally I would move schools. Yes she might have friends from extra curriculars etc but they will have their own friendship groups form their own schools which may become more important to them as they get older.

Sorry, I wouldn’t like this. My two DSs both has best friends who were girls at nursery, but at primary school they just drifted apart and generally split along gender lines. The boys wanted to run around and the girls were much likely to want to chat and play in a more structured way.

I also think close female friendships are one of life’s great joys and it’s a shame to miss out. Clubs are all very well but can’t replace day to day school experiences.

I wish these stereotypes weren’t true but we live in the real world not an ideal one.

It’s just been a different day experience for me as the mum of a son. His closets friends at nursery and through to about year 3 were 2 girls and a lad who’d just moved over from Nigeria and that was in a class of a fairly even split of gender in a state (village) school.
what I did see as he got older and more self aware is the impact of how society needed him to ‘be a boy’ and he migrated to a largely boy based group then.
hes 12, football mad, seems pretty firmly hetro. I add this as I some people with probably assume he felt more comfortable with them as he identified with them more closely, it was just a case of they’re all kids with no agenda and got on
My comment about gender and ethnicity is because at 5, no, those things shouldn’t have any bearing.

You may be happy with the concept of the school, but in practice things seem rather different.
Can't you find a more diverse school for your daughter? Independent or state, either would be better than the situation she's currently in.

I'd not of put my daughter in that situation,no
They need other girls to be friends with

@Nowthatshuge gender and ethnicity is because at 5, no, those things shouldn’t have any bearing.
I agree about ethnicity at face value but sex is hugely important to young children. They go round saying "that dog's a boy dog" "daddy's a boy" mummy's a girl" etc. It's all about reaffirming what they pick up on either directly from being told/taught it or indirectly through earwigging/general life.
Ethnicity also matters to young children because cultures can differ so much. Lots of white families have rambunctious homes, slightly chaotic, noise, busyness etc. Chinese homes I've visited are very calm, very different indeed. A small child would definitely pick up on the vibe. Mine would have probably wanted to be adopted by a Chinese family.

It would be right on to say no it’s fine she can hang out with the studious Chinese boys and it will be fine. In reality most of us women would know she’s massively missing out.

Having read the full thread now ..and you say she is happy there
Are the school not encouraging the friendship between the other two little girls in her class ?
Have you approached the mums of the two girls in her class ? Have you asked them for a coffee and invited the girls on a playdate at your house?
Are you asking the school how they intend to ensure your daughter has friends?
What about older girls in the next class up .
Will these girls be getting together to do PE together? Or could the school let the girls mix more with the girls in the class above sometimes ?..for painting and art lessons.
I don't think I'd throw the towel in just yet ,as you say your daughter is happy there ,and it sounds like it will be a high achieving school ,which would be high on my agenda.
At the end of the day ,all that is left from my school days are my GCSE grades ..I can't remember anyone I went to school with .
If your daughter is happy there ,work with the school to include her with the other girls in different classes there

This does happen in special provision. Statistically, when DD1 was at school, she’d be the only girl in a class of ten. I was grateful when there were three girls in a class. As this went for additionally resourced units, special schools and specialist schools, there was no alternative for her, because she couldn’t cope in mainstream. She wouldn’t be the only girl this happened to - it would be every girl, with complex SEN in England.

I arranged get togethers for all the Mums, with and without the children - because there were only ten in the class, we’d have to invite the other nine children in the class, if we wanted our own DC to have the experience of birthday parties. Likewise, boys came for play dates and vice versa to give our DD1 a social life.

DD1 never saw this as a problem. She was very popular and all the children wanted to sit next to her in assembly, parties, etc - if they couldn’t sit next to her, they were in tears, including boys.

Id also move due to the cultural issues that WILL arise later on.

Both my DDs had best friends that were muslim and were in a mixed group mostly muslim, we went on days out together with the families etc and it was great.

As the girls got older my DDs started talking about the cultural differences that left quite a divide, this included being made to feel "slutty" or "avaliable" for showing their legs or wearing shorts in PE, they started liking boys and this was also an issue as they were made to feel wrong for talking about this.

There was alot of other things that came to light for example shopping in certain shops or eating in certain places and they werent allowed the same "freedom" as my kids.

In the end they started calling them "Gora's" ( i did not know what i meant until i googled it and complained to the school

Their relationships drifted, we still see the families and have lovely conversations with them but the friendships couldnt last.

I have to be honest and say this was similar to my experience as well. As we got older, i was told off for wearing a bikini on holiday at the beach. Things like this continued and we eventually drifted apart because of continuing cultural differences despite being closer when we were younger.

Goodness there’s some racism on display here. There’s 1.4 billion people in China - they don’t all have the same personality!

My kids went to schools where white children were in the minority. There were quiet kids, noisy kids, sporty kids, artsy kids. Cool kids and nerds. Just like any other school!

The gender balance would bother me. My DD would not have been happy with that. When DS was little he enjoyed playing with girls but as he got older he gravitated more towards boys as he wanted to run around and play football while the girls sat in a circle and chatted.

Thanks for sharing your experience with this.

I’m not overly concerned with this (I definitely would have been had the situation been similar to yours). But the other children aren’t Muslim, they are just very education orientated Chinese! I can’t imagine them becoming like this with DD, I think they are just super shy, sweet girls. Whereas my DD is a bit louder and gravitates towards girls that are more like her.

Yes, I am more concerned about the gender imbalance. I only mentioned the culture differences as I wanted to point out that my DD was also different culturally as well as being in the minority with her gender.

There was only one girl ( and 16 boys) in my DS state school in year one. However the girl was a total " tomboy" and had 4 brothers so dont know if that made a difference

My daughter is in a boy heavy class, with only 9 girls to 21 boys. Like your daughter, she is naturally girly and gravitates more towards girls than boys. The only girl she really gelled with enough to be a best friend has since left, so most of her time at primary school has been spent feeling like she hasn't really found her crowd. If I could change it for her I would. We had her on the waiting list at another school for years, but she never got a place. I would move your daughter if you can, having close friendships and feeling like you belong are just as important as academic success.

I think I'd rather send my DD to a good state primary than an unbalanced class in a private school, it's very important to have friends. Sometimes state primaries end up with unbalanced classes too though, there is no way of knowing until they're further up in the school as some children leave at 8 to go to independents or simply move away.
If you're worried about her academic progress you can always pay for tuition should it prove necessary. All my DC went to state primaries and did fine, the youngest chose to go to a highly selective secondary London Day school and did it without tuition though the others went to comprehensives.
If you want her to go to an independent secondary school you might need to think about tuition later, depending on the competititon for them locally.