Would you mind your DD being the only girl in her class at school?

[SNAMES]

DD is 5. She attends a lovely Indy and we’re really happy with the school.
However, she’s one of 3 girls (sorry - title wasn’t long enough to be more specific!) in her class of 20.
She hasn’t really made any friends yet which breaks my heart as she’s such a sociable little girl normally.

DD is also the only white British child in the class (which didn’t bother me - hence still sending her to the school). The other children are lovely, but incredibly quiet and reserved which I think is a cultural thing, and may also be a factor in DD not making friends.

What would you do here? DD is a very girly girl and much prefers playing with girls over boys.

I agree, indeed would not be happy with only three boys out of 20.

It sounds like a very "traditional" school if they are setting a 5 year old "more work" if she finishes. So, if that's what you want, I guess you need to keep her there.

I would personally not want my daughter to be the only girl of 3. You should also be aware that the parents of the other girls are probably thinking similarly, so might pull their daughters out and your DD may well end up the only girl altogether.

It's interesting that you comment on the cultural makeup of the school meaning that your DD is not finding like minded friends, whilst praising the high standards of behaviour (which will also be due to the cultural make up of the school).

This happened with my DD in a small private. We ended up keeping her in, and over the years a couple more joined. She also made strong friendships with girls in both higher and lower years. It did worry me though but worked out ok in the end

I’ve voted YABU purely because you’ve lied in the title. It’s

Have you been to look at the local state school? Or did you choose private because the particular state provision near you didn’t appeal to you?

I ask as many state primaries are great, as I’m sure you know.

I’m really happy we chose the larger state school near me for DC (two classes of 30-35 children). It has a lovely ethos and strong academic focus, and seems adequately staffed with TAs and support (they may say otherwise but I mean from my perspective).

I was a bit worried about the class sizes but in reality it’s been one of the biggest pluses. My DC has plenty of different friends, including from different classes/years, and has hugely grown in confidence.

Also, big classes seem overwhelming when they are five, but in Year 6, having a big community and knowing lots of people will potentially make the transition to secondary easier.

I wouldn’t like this, but maybe it depends on the child. At my DC’s school someone entered their daughter into year 2 as the only girl in a class of 9 boys and I felt that was something I couldn’t have done. It seemed to encourage other parents to follow suit though and the following year some more girls joined.

While the boys and girls in my children’s year do all get along and play together sometimes, the really close relationships have been formed with other children of their own sex.

I think being one of just 3 girls is tricky too - you know the old adage, twos company there’s a crowd. Where do you live that the only other option is state? We live in a very rural area but we still have 2 or 3 private options available to us (admittedly a couple of those would involve a longer school run).

Have you asked the teachers if there are any new starters expected in September? At our school we often have new children joining in later years.

So, there is a real danger of politicising real life experience and there is no need to do so here. My DD experience won't be minimised or politicised.

It's just her experience and it was very real for her and doesn't 'suggest' anything at all.

Edited to say: she's anything but "girly" so is opposite of what you've posited

This would bother me, yes. Did you look at the state primary? Infant class size legislation limits the number of children in R, Y1 and Y2 classes to 30. A well-run state primary will knock the spots off a mediocre independent, and you can provide enrichment via your choice of extra-curricular activities.

My child is also in the minority at their school being white British and most of the other children speak another language at home. Many of the children were very quiet at first because they weren't good at English. As the year has progressed, they have become much much more chatty and friendly. Is there a language barrier that will improve with time?

We also have a gang of girls who are all the same ethnicity and their parents socialise almost exclusively with each other outside of school. It's quite cliquey - if the only two girls were from this group I'd be more inclined to move than if the other two girls were different ethnicities to each other / not cliquey.

At preschool my child played almost exclusively with children of the opposite sex! The balance at preschool was very skewed. They didn't seem to mind. But it depends on the child.

I think it's hard to say without knowing more about your DD and the school and children. I think I'd move if DD seemed very unhappy but otherwise give it more time and reassess at junior school age.

Move her OP. Friendship groups are very important at that age. In fact, at most ages really. Social development is just as important if not more so than getting a top education.

Are the two girls of Chinese ethnicity too? They simply won’t integrate and include your DD, if that’s the case.

You need to find somewhere with a better balance of girls and boys where your DD can experience more diversity and develop friendships. That’s more important than academics at this age.

You can always move her to a private school at secondary, if you feel that would be better academically. You could even hire a tutor in the final year of primary if you feel she’s behind in any subjects.

Losing out on friendships is a huge loss though. Why no other private school? My DD went to an all girls one (from 8). Mostly girls before that. Why not look at other private schools because the advantage here isn’t great. Don’t you want sports teams for girls? What about playing with girls? Her choices are severely limited and it should not be like this.

Not in the UK but my DD spent a year in a preschool class of 4 children when she was 4/5. She was the only girl and 2 of the other boys were of different ethnic origins. They all got along brilliantly, attended each other's birthday parties and because it was such a small class she thrived.

I would move schools, my daughter was in a class of 30 with 7 girls all 8 classes in her year were the same.

The school is for the vast majority, not white British. But in the older years, it seems to be perhaps 1/3 white British. It seems that these group gets less and less as you go down the years. So I didn’t quite realise how ‘different’ DD would be in her class.

Yes my DD is the same. Says nobody wants to play mummies with her or princesses.

Both issues would matter to me hugely. I'd want DD to have female friends, peers, role models. Also, if she is the only white child, she is likely to get socially excluded. My friend's son was the only white boy in his class and got invited nowhere. No parties, no playdates (his classmates parents didn't do them) and when my friend invited children he got on with over for playdates, she was turned down. She spoke of passing the playground and seeing him sitting alone on a bench with children all around him playing. I could not do that to a child. I'd move house or schools.

Yes, from what you said I gathered that she isn't girly but other girls are, and that the difference was the other girls underwent stereotypical gender socialisation.

Thinking analytically is not the same as being political or inhumane.

Something has gone very wrong regarding gender binaries.

Yes it’s very traditional.

Yes of course - I actually really like many of the cultural qualities that the children bring and would be happy if they were to rub off onto DD! It’s just a shame that the kids don’t seem to play in the same way that she does.

Yes they are.

Being rooted in two cultures,I feel qualified to give my opinion.....

Speaking solely from experience, I found it did make a difference from an early age that I looked different, spoke differently etcetera from the other children. It seems to me that the different cultures are showing themselves in that you DD finds the other children very quiet.
@SNAMES, you may be happy for your child to be the only one from another culture, but that doesn't guarantee it won't affect her negatively.
Times have changed greatly since the 1960s and teachers were forthright about the ways they found me unusual, rather than the children. But I definitely felt different long before the teachers ever commented.
I think your daughter is in an impossible situation.

Maybe they will?
But why is she so set on playing mummies and princesses? That is learnt behaviour. Not nature.
At her age I played tea parties and lego and Robin Hood.

"I’m not bashing state schools at all, but I couldn’t believe the difference in the behaviour and concentration of the kids in the state v private of the ones we visited."
Could that be due to culture rather than the school? Or is DD's class very unusual for the school, in terms of cultural diversity?
If she has been in her current class since September, and seems unhappy, I'd move her.

What if they want to be girly? I'm girly? I will also beat you up in the board room in a male dominated industry. I don't consider myself a victim of anything. I consider myself fortunate that I can embrace what I consider to be my femininity and my brain at the same time, without apology, to men or women.

If we keep harping on about male dominance and don't acknowledge how far we've come, have we really even gone anywhere? It seems to me that men are not oppressing us as much as we are oppressing ourselves with the past.

I refuse to play that game.

Cue in 10 years time "my daughter thinks she is trans because she is good at maths and likes football" and in 15 years time "she lost an internship to a Chinese boy who speaks both Chinese and English because Migrants". Please seize opportunties ans shape the world, I beg you.