What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

You tell your husband it is her or him. That is what it comes down to. Be prepared to act on it though. It sounds like he is deeply enmeshed.

She's stayed with you for a year, what's happened to her overseas property. Does it need seeing, she could buy a small flat near to you.

I would broach it from the point of helping her find somewhere perfectly close by so not living with you but still close. Point out how everyone needs some space so you don’t kill each other!

You will have to have the “massive argument.”
You do not want a life with your MIL, full stop.
If you are worried about your husband’s wrath, if he is prepared to make you unhappy by having her live with you for a whole year and allow her to speak badly of you to him, you do not have a great marriage and he is not a good husband.
The rest of your life, as long as MIL is alive will be a life you do not want if you allow her to live with you.
You have power over your own life and do not have to stay in the situation. You will have to take courage and fight this battle.

You tell him now and nip it in the bud.

He's not a good husband if he's already had secret conversations.

Could she move here and live separately?

I’d be quite prepared for a massive argument. I’d separate rather than live with my MIL, luckily my husband feels the same was about his mother. I don’t think your husband is a great partner if he prioritises his mother’s comfort over yours.

You don't have to have a big argument. Just tell him it isn't going to work for you, and be firm. Don't have to justify it by raising her personality issues/drama hog/weirdness etc (because that will make it a big argument) - just say you need your space, and want your family to have space - and that it will not work to have her move in. Full stop. I would hate to have this happen, so you are not alone!

You need to lay your cards on the table and say that you are concerned that his DM is expecting to move in with you permanently, but that you are simply not happy for this to happen.
Suggest that you can look for assisted living close by, so that he can still spend lots of time with her, she isn’t alone, but that you have your marital home to yourselves.

Could she move to an apartment or sheltered housing near you in your country but not with you. Do not let her live with you. You deserve a life too and she is demanding too much. Does she have other family back home?

does she have british citizenship? what would be the visa situation if not?
look carefully into this, if she doesn't have the right to access eg the NHS you may end up responsible for paying for her medical care

Are they from a culture where multiple generations live together? If so, it’s going to be hard to broach without sounding unfeeling. I’m in agreement with you though, she needs to start building her own life, with friends sbd her own interests, you don’t say how old she is, but she could have years left.

Wheres your husbands sister in this arrangement

“I’m happy to help you and MIL look for a property close to us so she is near if she needs us but I’m not happy for her to live in our home with us.”……. Leave that with him and the next move is his, see if he agrees or disagrees with you

Urgh. Can you move to a house with a self contained flat for her? And even then you need some firm boundaries eg doctors / medication.

Otherwise you’ll need to tell him that he has to choose and that whilst some support is reasonable you won’t be having the endless drama in your life / and if she is going to be moaning about you, you’d rather be far away.

I would flat out make him choose between me and her, and if he chooses her he will pay half of everything you’ve built together.

Csn you convert the garage into a granny flat etc. How old is she

Your husband is wonderful but he’d cause a massive argument if you, perfectly reasonably, said you didn’t want your MIL living in your house permanently? Hmmmm.

No she just cant move in with you end off. She must just get used to living on her own. She can move close by and that will be hard enough. But move to your house - absolutely not.

If he is a wonderful man and husband, this should not turn into a massive argument. Tell him that a permanent move in is not possible.

You have to tell him straight- no she's not moving in with us. If she moved in, me and dc leave.

Do you want to be a second class citizen in your own home?

You need to bite the bullet and have the conversation SOON. Don’t let things progress (properties put up for sale, visas applied for etc.) or they will be used as to why it is now a fait accompli and there’s no going back.

You tell DH if MIL moves back in, your marriage will be over.

Time to let your husband know his emotional incest with his mom is killing your marriage. You love him, but you can't live with him making his mother the main woman in his life. That role should be yours as his wife.

She's already moved in, you just don't know it yet. Now you need to set a boundary. You're not willing to share your household and your husband with another woman. Look for a place to live with your kid. Talk about what custody will look like. Make him take a real look at what his life will be without you, his wife, in it. No, he can't spend nights at your place. He has a choice to make and he needs to commit to you and your marriage, or being his mom's emotional husband.

Is this a cultural thing, is your husband from a background where multi generational living is the norm? And how can she just decide to move here, surely she’d have to apply for leave to remain or something? Either way, stand firm of your life will become a misery

He needs to realise he is enabling her rather than supporting her.

He would be far better insisting that she seeks help from her GP or a counsellor whether it's breavement or sonething else that's troubling her.

Have you made him aware that his relationship with his mother is having s significantly negative impact on his marraige.