What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

I think that avoiding a massive argument is not going to be possible. But the best option would be to work out what would be acceptable to you, present that option or options to your DH and tell him that is your bottom line. Having her for a month at a time is very kind of you. Having her nearby is a good option too. But ultimately she needs to be building her own life, not relying on you completely.

I quite sympathise with you for not wanting MIL to move in. It is perfectly reasonable that she wants to live with her son, it is perfectly reasonable that you don't want her to. I think you need to look at positive alternatives like is there a sheltered housing complex near you - maybe where MIL would have some support if she needed it and company around her, and also be able to see you reasonably often and have you nearby if she deteriorated or just got horribly sick and actually needed her son to help or just make some decisions?

@youneverwalkedinmyshoes you’ve done more than enough to support her, it’s time for her to go back home. She was in a toxic and abusive marriage so it’s not as though she’ll be any worse off on her own. In fact, she’ll probably be happier if she only gives it a try.

I would firm with DH and tell him ‘I married you, not you and your mother! I’m happy to accommodate her visiting but just because her life has changed it doesn’t mean mine should. Her living here permanently is not an option. I will not allow it. So sort it!’

This visa is for relatives over the age of 18 who need long-term, personal care to perform everyday tasks (such as washing or cooking) due to age, illness, or disability. You must prove that this required level of care is not available or affordable in their home country, even with financial help from you.

So I doubt it.

You just say it.

She is his mother not his wife. The relationship is enmeshed and you don’t want to feel like the other woman in your marriage.

It really isn’t reasonable that she wants to live with her son. That chapter finished when he grew up and started to live his own adult life.

Your idea to live close by is good though.

You say she lives in another country. In many countries and cultures, it is considered great to live with several generations-free babysitting, much more opportunity for the family to learn tolerance and sharing, and care for everyone-and each person has fewer chores as they're shared, plus financially, it's easier. In western countries, it's sometimes seen as weird, and can be difficult if the house is small. Could you look at a granny flat/addition, OP? If you live in a flat or tiny terrace, I get there might not be room; we once had relative staying in our house after hospital, which was not easy as he needed constant care and wanted meals making during the night-not easy when we have kids and work FT! But if you have a garden, and if you can afford it, you might get the best of both worlds.

This would be fair if the MIL wasn’t a psycho….

Elderly dependent visas are almost impossible to get here.

Pressed wrong button!

YANBU - of course

You need to shut this idea down now op.

It has disaster written all over it!

OP if you are still reading, you are important.
Do not put your own needs behind those of someone else.
We had a similar situation with MIL years ago and it was unbelievable how she went from being completely dependent to returning home fully independent when she realised she couldn't live here full time.
Book a time in with DH and stress that you need a grown up conversation. As brutal as it sounds you have to say "it's me or her" or he will carry on along the oath of least resistance.
Good luck to you.

She must already have the right to be in the UK as the maximum time for a visitor visa is 6 months and she's been with OP for a year

The tears when her health isn't the centre of attention
The "I'm scared to be alone " nonsense
She is a highly manipulative witch

Compromise and she moves to live near you ? In a flat nearby for example ?

Ah, yes. I have an emotionally trained 'good son' DH. It was suggested by SIL that FIL live 50/50 with us & her after MIL died. I've never had a good relationship with IL's, and told DH outright 'if he moves in, I move out'.

I also took a different angle. Told DH no way FIL could/would stay with SIL & we'd have him 100%. I'd be doing zero care & what it looked like for HIM going forward. He'd be doing meals, washing etc, and the elder care as FIL became more frail, and family (SIL) would pressure him to not put FIL into care. We wouldn't be able to relax on the couch or have a private conversation (FIL would tell SIL everything) or take holidays. Our DC would suffer. I was brutal. Suddenly not such a good idea as it affected DH's life. He hadn't considered any of it.

Ironically I brought it up recently (two years on) as FIL is now in care. DH denies he ever entertained the idea!!

This

Hi op sorry this is tough one but I think you need to remind your dh you married him and not his mother yes death is very difficult but people can get on with live yes it’s not easy but she really cannot expect your dh to replace him. Explain that visits are manageable but for the long term no. He might see it as you being mean but what if it was your parent how would he feel about them being under your roof long term. His mother brought him up to go it alone now he’s got his own family so she should be happy about that but not to expect him to put her first. Don’t threaten him this won’t work you just need to be assertive in explaining that it can’t work.

I think MIL has her claws deeply embedded. Now her husband is gone her son is his replacement, she knows how to control him & he cant stand up to her.
I dunno...ultimatum & MEAN it. Might work and if it doesnt you'll have to get shut of them both, if you dont she will bleed you both dry.

I would be prepared to hve the mother of all arguments rather than have a MIL living with me -especially a drama queen attention seeking MIL who bitches about me behind my back.
My answer would be “If she’s going to move in you need to get an extra job mate as youwill be paying for two houses as there is no way on Gods green earth am I living with her. “.
or, alternatively “No”.
And don’t go down the granny flat route -as you will end up in there for your sanity. No no no.

This

You don’t have an argument, you draw your lines. You say clearly living with your mum has made me miserable, and it’s terrible for our marriage. If you move her in, then dc and I are moving out. You cannot have both of us living here. So please can you think about this and tell me your plan for your mum.

Does the mil sound tolerant and sharing?

Well said!
In any case I'm very skeptical about these claims of tolerance and sharing when it comes to multigenerational living.

It takes two to argue, so just don't. Draw your line as kindly as you can, but stick to it. Don't justify it. Just say no.

For example "DH, I can't have your mother living with us again. Last year was really hard. I can't do that again, not even for a month or two, let alone something permanent." And if he asks why just say "I hate it. It's not a life I want." Don't get into criticising her, don't point out that he walks ahead with her and leaves you trailing behind. Don't talk about her attention seeking, or resorting to tears, or calling him "daddy". Any reasoning is just a lever he can pick at, telling you it isn't a good enough reason or that MiL will change or whatever. So make it all about how you feel. Just say that you don't want to live with her. That you married him, not her, and you can't do a long stint with her again. That you aren't going to argue about it. And if he tries, shake your head sadly and walk away.

In effect, this is the Phoebe on Friend's tactic - "I wish I could, but I don't want to." a clear and effective way of putting your boundary in place.