What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

Just say no. Explain why. If he shouts, walk away. If he cries, pass the tissues. Do not relent.

Ultimatum - you can either live with her or with me but not both of us. Stick to it.

You have to be prepared to have the argument. You need to think about the long term health of your marriage. If you are unhappy in your own home, your marriage won’t last.

Sounds like you need to stick up for yourself and tell them it’s not working and can’t continue.

this is great advice and I have often offered similar professionally. OP, Be clear with your husband and MIL that you cannot give what you have not got to give that you can offer X and Y but not Z. I'd be massively careful about agreeing to extended visits because its sooooo easy for them to extend longer and longer!

I think at this stage, especially due to secret conversations behind your back about who will be living in YOUR home, you'll need to be blunt: No. Absolutely not. No. You are done. And if he can't say no to his mum to save his marriage, then he can leave and go live with his mum.

You didn't sign on for this. And if you have young children, she can't be that old.

Tell him this is a hill you’re prepared to die on OP. If she wants to move to the uk and live separately somewhere near (but not too near) then fine. But if you allow her to move in with you she’ll never gain the independence she needs in order to have a life without her DH and she’ll make your lives unbearable in the process. I’m speaking from experience as a widow. It’s very hard - you don’t just lose your partner, you lose a whole way of life. As harsh as it sounds she has to learn to navigate this herself. A year in is very early - grief isn’t a linear process and you swing backwards and forwards. I felt as though I was on a roller coaster sometimes, but you learn to cope. She needs to be independent and as far as I can see your DH is enabling her to take the easy way out. He needs to know that that won’t help anyone - least of all his mother.

No - why should the OP do this, it’s just a one way ticket to being a carer and/or MIL moving back into the main house

I adore my MIL but I still wouldn’t want her living with us! Or even my own mother for that matter! I think a previous posters suggestion of maybe looking to get her a little place that’s in this country and near enough that you can see her regularly but not near enough that she’s in your doorstep daily!!

You were happy to support her and living together was only ever meant to be a temporary arrangement. It has now been a year. I think you have been very supportive and it's ok to tell your DH that this is becoming an untenable loving arrangement. Do you have somewhere to go if he has no intention of changing the current living arrangements?

If you’re in the UK and she is not a British citizen she has no route to a settlement visa.

You have to be prepared for a massive argument. I would leave. This is an absolute non negotiable for me. I’ve never hidden this. Someone else’s young adult child has just invited themselves for a month. By day 3 I was quite clear with everyone including the child that no she couldn’t stay beyond day 5. I’ve made sure that she has been unremittingly bored. I’m unavailable 14 hours a day.

This isn’t just her life or your DHs. You aren’t a lesser person. Make a fuss FFS.

You have to be prepared to have the argument.

You have to be prepared to have a conversation which gives your husband the choice about whether to live with his wife and child, or live with his mother following a divorce.

I’d be gone. I’d honestly have to tell DH that if MIL moves in you have no option but to live separately.

How old is she? Will you be expected to be her carer when she becomes infirm?

Can DH afford to add a granny annex onto the house, or find her a house nearby?

I would absolutely refuse to live all together. I can’t think of anything worse. I’d sooner get divorced.

I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life.

I think you just have to say that. You can explain that it isn’t because you don’t love her or don’t care but you married him, not him and his Mum and you would like this resolved before it becomes a big problem for you.

And remind DH that if you were to divorce you would be entitled to approximately 50% of the value of the house.

She treats the men in her life like husbands....it is really love triangle and these usually end with a lot of drama, tears and sometimes even murder

Could she not be classed as a dependent, and obtain the right to live with her son in the UK?

Tell him now, and in no uncertain terms. Go nuclear if you have to. You cannot allow this situation to develop further and for any further time and resources invested in it by DH and MIL. You've got to be cruel to be kind.

You are married to your husband not his mother!! He needs to hear that he should be prioritising his own family and yes his mother needs his attention etc but not over and above his wife and children!!

Not a chance. Put your foot down.

I also think you need to stand firm, OP, and say no to MIL moving in. Even a nearby flat doesn’t mean she will actually stay there quietly, it could mean she calls him to help with everything from opening a jar to handyman things. Hopefully there would be lots of hoops to navigate to live permanently in another country and with her emotional dependence maybe she wouldn’t anyway get very far with the process.

I would keep it as a firm no, and say that visits are fine but I would also think about putting her in a hotel on some visits too, citing some issue with the house. At least it is only day visits and maybe your husband would spend more time with her one on one without dragging you and DC into it.

Agree she can move near ( ish ) to you but not with you .
It's called compromise .

I’m completely with you, the OP is entitled to have a say who lives in her own home.

this is enmeshment. Say no.