What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

I would leave. Wouldn't even bother to have the argument.

Remind him legally his obligations are to you. That's marriage...

absolutely this

she should make friends, take on hobbies, interests. Tell him that keeping her with him is stopping her from having any chance of happiness.

Sadly, you probably will have a massive row, but you are NOT BU at all.
She's an adult, it's beyond unfair to become a burden on your children.

You won't be able to say what you want to say without it becoming an argument.
The magic words you are searching for dont exist, im afraid.
You can either have her living with you and be miserable or tell your husband you will not share a home with her and deal with whatever his reaction to that is.

This.

You just need to be honest and say it’s too much. He needs to understand this could end up impacting on your marriage / your child etc. It’s obviously more common in some cultures, but in the UK it’s generally not the done thing. Even harder given she sounds quite hard work. She needs to widen her social circle and build a life for herself. What about SIL? Where does she live and is living with her an option?

Tell him the truth there’s no way around it, and if you’re scared to tell your husband your feelings then I feel that is something you need to investigate and sort out separately in your marriage. Your husband is being selfish - not thinking of you here.

tell him it will impact negatively on your marriage and also your wellbeing and actually it’s really not doing any good for his mum, she needs to learn independence and some self respect, get some friends and a life. You could go nuclear and say it’s either her or you leave.

What about SIL? Where does she live and is living with her an option?

I can’t imagine she would want this either!

Sadly i agree. I think you need to be prepared to have the argument even if it doesn't come to it. You need to have planted the mental flag in your own mind so that your husband will understand that your decision cannot be changed or diverted.

My mum's MIL (grandma) lived with us for years after grandad died. It's all mum talked about, she hated it and nearly drove her to top herself she was so unhappy. Grandma was a very difficult and unkind woman.

While mum's reaction was extreme, I'd say please don't. Even if you were the best of friends this isn't what you signed up for when you married your husband.

@youneverwalkedinmyshoes nip this in the bud NOW!!

Tell your DH that it was nice having his mum to visit, but you're so pleased to have it back to normal and now you can relax again!

Try and lead this into a conversation, emphasising that she was just visiting, and that's the way it needs to stay if you want to keep your sanity!!

The sort of people who ask for a few months, then take a year are bot the sort to negotiate with.

She's shown you who she is, she has no respect for you or your marriage, so it's a solid No!

The mistake was including her in everything. You've babyd her and she's had a soft life.

Grief is tough, moving on is tough, it's good to help, but you can't take away the pain.

Moving in will cause you and DH endless turmoil.

A loving mother wouldn't want to impose and would have left ages ago.

She's only thinking of herself, time to think of yourself and your kids.

You be honest. You explain the impact on you and that fact she has to be included in everything and that means more work for you and you don’t want it

only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker and you split up. I would be telling him
that

How did you let it get this far? I'm quite fond of my MIL, but I'd rather cut my own head off than share a house with her for a weekend, far less a year. DH would be even more reluctant than I would, in fairness.

But is your DH labouring under the delusion that this is fine with you? How is it you have never had the 'She's driving me nuts -- you need to move her on' conversation?

If the OP's culture does not have multiple generations living together then she is entitled to her culture being followed, too often other cultures are prioritised.

A massive argument is exactly what needs to happen, or he will forget that your needs come first and she will be a permanent fixture before you know it.

This is a hill I would die and end the marriage if necessary. P

You have been supporting her and you can help support her in future. Just not in your own home. You need to be clear to your DH that you will always need your own space for you and your family and that this is definitely not negotiable.
She needs her own space too to help her adjust and come to terms with her widowhood. She can't or won’t do that while she’s using your DH as a substitute husband and emotional crutch.
Most of us here are in total agreement with you on this issue, OP. I really hope you can feel this support and that it helps you to get the outcome you need and deserve.

"How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. "
Bluntly, and without fear of having a massive argument. Some things are worth arguing for, and the life and welfare of yourself and your child definitely come into that category.

Your husband is being unreasonable. Your MIL is being unreasonable. You tell him so in no uncertain terms, and you make it clear that this is not negotiable. She is NOT moving in, and he needs to decide whether his is a husband and father, or just a son. And if he's just a son tied to mummy's apron strings he can fuck off and live just the two of them, because you are not having her move in.

Have the argument. He needs to know this is a line he should not cross.

Your husband made a vow - to put you first, ahead of all others, when you married.
He is breaking his promise to you already.

You need to tell your husband that your love is fading because he is emotionally more invested in his mother's wellbeing than his wife's.

I DO live with my MIL. She is/was a lovely woman, but now has dementia. She is not a burden and we love her, but even this puts a strain on our relationship, and we need to.push to make sure we lead as a team.

Tell.your husband he must choose where he wants to invest his loyalty - to his wife (which he promised to do.in front of witnesses) or his mother.

Best of luck and I hope you thrive in whatever future you decide.

You start making serious research into how to separate eg sell house? Split savings? Where, which area? When you have this information you will feel confident to have the massive argument. Sometimes it is needed, it’ll hopefully be like a bucket of cold water on your husbands head and he’ll wake up a bit.

In the meantime, push back. Sil didn’t ask every day about her cold? Why should she. It’s only a cold.

Shes linking arms with your husband and you’re behind with your child? Whatever you’re doing, split. Shopping? Different aisle. Walking in the park? Take a different path, turn around and go to the play area.

Hours of crying? Get the hoover out, put the washing on.

Not paying enough attention to her? Pay even less.

She's essentially making your husband her consort. If that's what he wants, then your marriage is over. I would put it as bluntly as that to him, sorry.

You have two options
speak up now
or
put up with her forever. Have the conversation with your husband and tell him it would be best to find her sheltered accommodation or a small flat nearby and support her day to day but that it is too much of an encroachment on you and your children to have her at the centre of everything every day. Or suggest he and she get a place together and he visits you at the weekends!

You will have to have an open and frank conversation and it sounds like an ultimatum is needed. If she moves in, our marriage will disintegrate, so if you agree to that then you are agreeing to our marriage stopping.

I would 100% have that massive argument.

Hell would freeze over before my MIL would move in for month, let alone permanently.

Now is the time to have the row, put your foot down and 'absolutely not' this idea.

Agree with others commenting that she needs grief counselling and support from an external source but I would not let her move back in, even under a 'temporary' guise.

Your relationship will never be the same if she uses your husband in lieu of her deceased one.