What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

My question is - can she just move here? If she needs to access medical care is she able to do so? You can't just move to a foreign country....and if she is a citizen she would still have to reestablish residency for medical etc.

No one is saying ‘can’t help’, they are saying can’t move in. These are two very different statements and you’re not helping the op by pretending they are the same. One is unkind, and one is very normal boundaries.

I have a slightly different perspective on this issue. My DM is currently staying with my brother and SIL in similar circumstances (widowed and not wanting to live alone). The dynamic is not quite the same as in OPs case but for some reason brother refuses to consider any options other then mum living alone in her usual house or living with him and his family (either and his place or hers). I don't know exactly what SIL's view is as publicly she backs him completely and we are not close. However, from various things I have heard/seen I feel that she is probably, entirely understandably, wanting her own space back. Mum is not a nasty person but very set in her ways and with some care needs.
I think it would actually be better for mum, as well as them, if we all helped care for her and visited regularly etc but encouraged her to look at assisted living etc so that she could have other people around but not be entirely dependent on her few remaining family members. Whilst she is staying with them she has no other social contact- she doesn't have friends nearby and feels no need to join any social groups etc. The attitude from Mum and brother remains that she doesn't need any of that as she has her family around her. She could have years left and I think this way of living is making her world even smaller than it needs to be.

This is really waving flags for me because I was in this exact situation. It was intolerable. You need to be honest, tell him if he wants to be with her that much, HE can move in with HER. Do not leave. When my situation ended, I was heartbroken, but it became clear that he was a complete Mummy's boy, and it would have never worked anyway.

Yes he can move in with her as her carer. And come back home for visits. 🥳🤣🧐👌 Genius. Problem solved.

When he ends up with the load and inconvenience... He might not be so keen. Ahhhh the age old story.
Happy to give the job to the wife whilst he enjoys the he fun bits and everyone sees him as kind and generous.

I’m glad I can help, even it’s just a little bit. Mum is now in a nursing home and DW goes to see her without me on her day off. I don’t want to portray DW as a hardline unfeeling woman, she isn’t, she could see that I was running on empty but still trying to juggle everything.

You are absolutely reasonable , but I also believe you gave a bit too much. Don't go nuclear on your marriage just yet.

Start by organizing family things WITHOUT the MIL to balance it out.
Get the SIL involved and organise MIL go stay with SIL for a while.
Get MIL to look after your kid while you and DH have a weekend away.
Organize kids' parties and have her supervise or cook or something.
If you and husband work ask your DH to ask her to do stuff in the house while you are out.
Book MIL into church organized stuff or the WI and take her there Get her a volunteering job making tea at the hospital and literally drive her there...
Make an appt for her with the GP and tell your husband when to take her.
Whatever you can. It seems she doesn't have a life of her own so once she gets that, the dynamic will shift.

It's not easy but there's more than one way to skin a cat. If none of these work, then by all means give your husband an ultimatum...

Good luck

Exactly this ! It isn’t a choice of having her on your sofa for the rest of her life v leaving her entirely to her own devices. Loads of options in between these

This sounds such an awful situation for you. It doesn't sound as if your husband is sensitive to your worries or needs. You really need to let him know how unhappy you are. Your MIL sounds narcissistic and manipulative.

As somebody who is experiencing something a little similar I thought I’d reply. My FIL was in a very difficult situation about 6 months ago where he was essentially homeless. Although I did not really want to have him live with us, I understood there’s was virtually no other quick fix at the time and my husband was incredibly stressed, so I said yes and genuinely wanted to be be part of the solution and come together as a family. Sadly it’s been absolutely awful and the whole experience has really cost me my mental health. I don’t think it’s necessary to share the past 6 m/o (and it would take a lot of time) but what I did want to share is that l, in my experience, I would strongly strongly urge you to stop this idea in its tracks and say no now. What I’ve learned is that boundaries are critical and I have finally learnt to put some in place (another family member is now going to take him half the week until his permanent new home is ready). All this time I thought it was my “duty” and I was prioritising my husband and also my FIL. I clearly had so much to learn about boundaries for myself, and this experience has been dreadful because we have no space, privacy, peace, and it basically feels like having another child in the house. I did not sign up to be a carer full time (on top of my job and having a daughter) and I had no idea that the presence of my FIL was going to be so heavy, that he was so negative and so hard to get along with. Currently, I’ve had a bit of a breakdown and it’s taken a true mental health crisis for things to change. I’m very happy things are changing but it became very close to really damaging my marriage and my relationship with others in the family. So what I would suggest is that you make very clear boundaries now, and if you don’t want her to live with you permanently (which it sounds like you do not) then you need to be very very clear about that now. I have an inch and they took a mile, so be very specific. Of course you can help with alternatives and be loving and supportive - but it’s very healthy and ok to make a boundary around your home and your peace. I would say it’s crucial, actually, and you’re kids need their mum to be in good shape (and you deserve to be happy). Good luck and please remember looking after yourself too is a very good thing!

Suggest 3rd party help, a counsellor, mediator, so that he can see that he cannot go down that path and have a happy relationship. It will be better coming from a professional and no professional would agree that his current path is the right one.

I wouldn't even have wanted to live with my Mum, although I loved her very much.

Don’t sleepwalk into this. You have to talk to him and be mindful that you are up against a very strong willed manipulator.

Your life matters.

The weird oedipal vibes will fade with time. A recently widowed woman is not quite herself yet. She will become more normal in a couple of years. The same is true for your husband siding with his mother, he's going to do that a lot more than normal because the grief is recent.

This is temporary. Wait for their grief to fade. Just survive the next 1-2 years, then reevaluate with your husband. If you fight now you are in a losing position.

she can't let this woman move in for the next 1-2 years!!!
I fortunately avoided all this as MiL lived the other end of the country when she was widowed. She became very emotionally dependent and if we had been closer it would have been even worse. I'm afraid it didn't improve until she remarried, which brought its own problems but at least she became less dependent on DP

Bunch of rubbish. Seriously, and I say this as a widow and the sister of a widow.