What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

My question is - can she just move here? If she needs to access medical care is she able to do so? You can't just move to a foreign country....and if she is a citizen she would still have to reestablish residency for medical etc.

No one is saying ‘can’t help’, they are saying can’t move in. These are two very different statements and you’re not helping the op by pretending they are the same. One is unkind, and one is very normal boundaries.

I have a slightly different perspective on this issue. My DM is currently staying with my brother and SIL in similar circumstances (widowed and not wanting to live alone). The dynamic is not quite the same as in OPs case but for some reason brother refuses to consider any options other then mum living alone in her usual house or living with him and his family (either and his place or hers). I don't know exactly what SIL's view is as publicly she backs him completely and we are not close. However, from various things I have heard/seen I feel that she is probably, entirely understandably, wanting her own space back. Mum is not a nasty person but very set in her ways and with some care needs.
I think it would actually be better for mum, as well as them, if we all helped care for her and visited regularly etc but encouraged her to look at assisted living etc so that she could have other people around but not be entirely dependent on her few remaining family members. Whilst she is staying with them she has no other social contact- she doesn't have friends nearby and feels no need to join any social groups etc. The attitude from Mum and brother remains that she doesn't need any of that as she has her family around her. She could have years left and I think this way of living is making her world even smaller than it needs to be.

This is really waving flags for me because I was in this exact situation. It was intolerable. You need to be honest, tell him if he wants to be with her that much, HE can move in with HER. Do not leave. When my situation ended, I was heartbroken, but it became clear that he was a complete Mummy's boy, and it would have never worked anyway.

Yes he can move in with her as her carer. And come back home for visits. 🥳🤣🧐👌 Genius. Problem solved.

When he ends up with the load and inconvenience... He might not be so keen. Ahhhh the age old story.
Happy to give the job to the wife whilst he enjoys the he fun bits and everyone sees him as kind and generous.