What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

Two card time - marriage councilling or divorce Let the SIl have her for a change.

It's hard to advise, without knowing how entrenched your DH is.. whether he really wants this to happen or not or is just accepting that its his duty and he cannot dodge it.

So I think the above is the best way to start - point out the alternatives. His mother doesn't get to declare you are hosting her until she dies.
Is she likely to be receptive to alternatives? Or will it be a hard no?

I suppose you need to work out if your DH is leading this campaign or just going along with it because he values the path of least resistance. If he thinks the path of least resistance is you, then you have your work cut out for you, and you will have to make sure he understands that you do resist, you have pointed out reasonable alternatives and you will not accept the plan. It will be up to you to demonstrate that you are not the path of least resistance and that your concerns cannot be ignored.

It's a little bit concerning that you think he's already discussed this with her, but not you, as if they have both decided to present you with a fait accompli, where you will just have to go along with it and that they have BOTH decided this is the best route to get their own way. I would be insisting that he tells you openly and honestly what is going on, going forward and doesn't collude with making plans behind your back as this is a huge breach of trust.

I do have some sympathy with his position tho as he may not have thought this through but is being emotionally manipulated, has also lost his father and is now being held responsible for everything. MIL is not offering him any alternatives just demanding duty and so he cannot see any other way through this. Its up to you unfortunately to show him that you can support her to regain her independence but without sacrificing your own lives to do it.

If your reasonable alternatives are turned down without an attempt at any consideration of them by either DH or MIL, then you have to put your foot down. And firmly, and be prepared to stick to it.

I'd also be looking into bereavement counselling for both of them (separately) and I think there is no point saying "Why don't you" etc as it sounds like neither of them will bother to research it.. but find one yourself, make the appointment and insist they go. And also some kind of couple's counselling where you and DH can talk about this with a mediator, who can help you both actually discuss it (as he seems discussion adverse at the moment) so that you know what you are actually dealing with. You need full disclosure, not just potentially an after the fact announcement that she's now sold her home, there's no going back and there's no alternatives now.

I'd also be pointing out that neither of them have given you credit for taking her in for the past year, caring for her, listening to her concerns and being supportive and you have been repaid for that by having them planning without consulting you at all. If they cannot at least acknowledge that you have made every concession so far to help her adjust and support her - then I think you do face an uphill battle. Because if they don't then they are both effectively saying that it's your duty to comply with whatever they suggest and you are a bad person not to do so.

Sorry. It sounds like a big pickle... but I do think that a bit of calm firmness now, and no that's not happening and No more making plans behind my back statements - whilst suggesting alternatives that are more livable, are your best bet going forward.

Wow, if theres one thing you deserve from everyone its kindness.
Just no, absolutely no. I find manipulation like she displays quite abusive to be honest.
For the sake of your marriage and family just put your foot down and say no eventually she will drive a wedge between you and DH. Not to mention create an awful atmosphere for you DC.
Good luck xxx

How would your DH feel about you moving your parents/family in with you as well... what's sauce for the goose...

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots makes a good point.

Why does talking about it and putting your point of view mean a massive argument?
It should be just a conversation - but it sounds like you've tried before to "disobey" in one way or another and neither of them want to have a real conversation because they know how they want things to go - so its easier to make you feel like a bad person for even raising it so you can be argued down and they can avoid the need for any real communication.

It's your home and your life too.

I think its a bit much for a pp to suggest "Is this how we treat our elderly now" because you've already agreed to have her to stay for a few months - its turned into a year and now they've been making plans behind your back to make it permanent. Don't let them use this argument on you. It's emotionally manipulative.

There are other reasonable alternatives to this. Its just that these two have not bothered to consider them, or to consider you.

I'm in the same situation as you OP but my MIL lives with us. My DH is a good man and when my FIL died he wanted to care for his DM. The difference is, my MIL is a kind, caring and a lovely woman. She is more like a mum and we are very close. No dramas etc with her but I have still found it hard especially feeling like the third wheel at times. She lived next door so we were keeping an eye on her for years and having three young dc's it was hard but manageable.

Then her health started to go down hill and I started to do more. It was a gradual thing but I ended up cutting my shifts with work. I still work but only a couple of shifts due to being around at home more. I am a carer so it made sense and work have been amazing. My DH sat down and discuss it and we had a long chat with going forward and our situation works for us.

Then 5 years ago she had a fall and it came apparent my mil could not live next door so we decided for her to move in with us. We had a room downstairs and it worked well for a while but then her mobility got worse and her health starting failing so quickly. She has ended up being bed bound for the last three years and in the end we had to have carers come in to help us as i couldn't change or wash her on my own. They have all been a lifeline to us and have given us our time back so we can spend it has a family not just carers. My dc's are all older teenagers now but it is not easy even with my mil being a lovely dm/mil. She is on end of life and will die at home with us. It is imminent now but it has been a long road.

The things I will say is, never feel guilty for not wanting your mil to live with you. By the sounds of it, you and your dh will look out for her but never feel pressured. Not everyone can due to work commitments, difficult relationships, time etc or they haven't got the space. We have made it work but it has been overwhelming at times. Having carers, nurses, doctors, in our home all the while makes us feel hard to relax as the door is constantly being used as we have a keysafe and everyone let's themselves in. We can laugh about it at times and it was hilarious when my dh thought he could run downstairs in his pants to grab his clean trousers from the washing basket In our kitchen and the carers all walked in. He was mortified. Also I am the one with all the admin, speaking to all the health professionals, ordering everything my mil needs and still having a family to look after.
You will have to sit down and have a discussion with your dh with having your mil moving in with you and what it will look like in years to come. You dont want resentment to build up because even the strongest marriages can break so you will need to have a conversation with him. Good luck with everything.

@Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting so you had to change your work hours and do all the admin etc. What does your DH do for his mum? Why were you the default person to do everything? What would happen if you had another relative who needed help at the same time, who takes priority?

Lots of cultural things that sound nice - like multi-generational living and over-the-top hospitality - tend to disproportionately burden the women in the family with additional caring and domestic work

My ex's relationship with his mum was bizarre for precisely this reason. Quasi-incestuous, a strange combination of guilt, worship, duty, and resentment. Really creepy and made things much worse.

Like I said before, retirement flat. Google ones locally, show to DH and say this would be a good safe option for MIL where she may make friends. Say you don’t think it’s healthy for her to move in with you as a family. No need for divorce or marriage counselling. Get other relatives onboard with this idea. Explain to MIL about retirement flats that have a warden and a pendant that rings through for help out of hours, a lift, common room, easy walk to shops and so on. Handy for you as a family to visit her. She can have her own independence but you’ll be on hand to see her and help her. Say you’ll help with decoration, furniture choices.

Yes, i have to cut down my work hours and I am the default person due to being at home. My DH does his fair share at home but he works full time.
With regards to my own parents I will help out if needed but thankfully my dsis and dbro and very hands on and we spoke about our situation with them. They are supportive with what is happening at home. Obviously it is my mil who takes priority if you meant with other relatives but she would not take priority over our dc's. This is one of the reasons we sold her home to pay for the carers. They come in 5 times a day, 2 carers at a time so it is very expensive. Our situation didn't happen over night it happened over years.

She needs therapy not moving in with you. Yes people are allowed to grieve but let’s not be ridiculous. Set your boundaries before she destroys your marriage. She’s a grown woman not a child, clearly she’s always been emotionally immature and relied on other people to hold her hand

I think you tell him that his mum moving in with you permanently is not even in the room let alone on the table.

However you understand that he is torn and feels responsibility ( jointly with his sister) towards their mum.

Ask him , and the sister, to think of as many other possible solutions as they can that could be discussed and you will give them full consideration.

But, and reiterate this , his mum living with you is not an option.

Either she lives with the sister, in her own flat or a retirement flat. Or a care/retirement home. Those are the main options. Non negotiable. Not in OP’s home.

Yikes, that's tough. I think you've been beyond accommodating already.

He's not the best husband ever or supportive he's dismissing your happiness for his mother's as he wandered off letting her call him daddy hand in hand
It's weird

Men just thinking about themselves and what they want and the people closest to them. His wife being happy or not won't even go through his head unless she makes it super clear/acts.
Of course she will be expected to do the grunt work of having his mum in the house while he enjoys time with his mum and they bad mouth the wife.
Ugh 😩 just no.

No YANBU at all. Who actively WANTS to live with their MIL? No one. Especially one who has significant emotional issues, as yours does by the sound of it. I think you should plan what you are going to say to your husband in advance so you don’t say anything you’ll regret. Be kind but firm. Tell him that if she moves in, it will make you very unhappy. A compromise such as having her live nearby, having her round regularly for dinner etc, is more than reasonable. If he can’t see that then suggest he talks about it with friends or other family. It is objectively not a reasonable thing to ask of you. Especially after you have already had her with you for a year! I wish you all the best with it.

There are ways to support your MIL that don't involve moving her in with you. I think you could support your DH to support her while maintaining your own home by moving her nearby. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Clearly it is time to buy a pool table for whichever room she has been staying in.

OP, any updates?

@lxn889121 as someone whose elderly father is about to move in with her at my instigation i can say, unequivocally, your advice is horrible.

The first thing you do is sit down and think, independently of pressure from your husband or anyone else, what can I cope with / under what circumstances/ with what boundaries - you may conclude it’s you or her (and from you describe that would be reasonable)

The second is agreeing with your husband what happens next, what you both offer and are prepared to deal with

Only then do you have the 3 way

honestly she sounds manipulative, divisive and quite intolerable plus a healthy dose of mental ill health to throw into the mix

If she's getting somewhere near you then sort it so she moves in there from day one. Don't have her moving in with you while she finds somewhere. She will never move out.

You cant avoid an argument this has to be sorted now because you may be sure that when, not if, she comes back she will push you out completely and your husband is a spineless fool so he will let it happen. Suggest that she gets her own place, suggest that he goes to marriage councelling and if neither of these options are taken tell him you need to seperate as he doednt need a second wife. Better to go on your terms than to have to walk out after a massive row which is inevitable..think about your child also is this a good example to set for what is acceptable in a marriage..

A big argument now will save dozens more big arguments further down the line - you have to have that conversation

Thank you for this, I feel for you. I feel for my husband. My parents are old and one day very soon they will need my attention. I know this is part of life and I am happy to help them, but not with the price of my marriage. I appreciate your honesty, it helps more than you think