What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

You just say no. ‘Your mother moving in with us is not something I can go along with. She needs to find alternative arrangements.’

I am afraid allowing her to move into your home for a year has set expectations.
If you don’t want her in your home you need to make it very clear to your DH.

There is no way your marriage will survive this. You have to have the massive argument or many of them. Say no.
Don’t let her come back at all. Do whatever it takes.

If you say she can come for a month, she'll stay for three (or more).

He's not a great husband or father because he's putting you and your children after his mother. There should have no conversations about this without you.

Have that argument because the alternative is misery

If your MIL moves in permanently, your life will be ruined. Are there cultural reasons why you are worried about just telling your DH that you don't agree to her moving in?

She sounds difficult, needly and very manipulative. You need to tell your DH that if she moves in, you will have to leave with the children.

I’m pretty sure shenanigans like this were the reason my brother’s DP left him after 20 years. It destroys relationships.

Did you not say anything in response when she told you she wants to make arrangements to move in with you?! I couldn’t have kept quiet.

You need to speak to her and him asap about this. Like now!

Be proactive and when the Conversations start, suggest she moves to a retirement home, flat or whatever. I wouldn’t even let her through the door again as when she’s got her legs under the table, she’s there to stay. And if you need to have the big arguement, then have it.

Why are you trying to avoid a massive argument? This is exactly the sort of situation massive arguments are designed for. And I say this as someone who's only had 2 with DP in the last 20 years.

Your husband needs to understand that this is a hard no from you. He needs to get that it's you or her. And if the only way to do that is via a massive argument, then that's how it's going to have to go.

Tell your ‘great’ man that if his mother moves in that you and your child will move out permanently.

Sorry OP but you need to have this argument with your husband. Your husband is not a great man if he puts his mother first.
If your MIL lives in another country does she have the right to settle here permanently?

Have the argument your already the third wheel in your marriage

This.

Have the battle. You or her. Thats it.

You sit your dh down and explain that you could not be happy if your MIL moved in. That it is your home too. That her demands, and amateur dramatics, more than a year after her dh's death are simply not appropriate. Nor is she being fair on you or your dh. That he has a choice to make and he needs to understand that, before he makes any decision.

It's very difficult but he needs to know what is at stake.

I could not live like this at all, I would leave my DH if he expected me to live with his Mother. You can try the kinder tactic of suggesting helping her find somewhere close by. I mean I’m not like you and would not have put up with a year. You need that argument and then it will pan out after but who knows if you will be getting a divorce, how old is she?

This was me, YNWiMS, I was your husband. Even when my dad was still alive, mum had always been very demanding of my time. After dad died this increased a lot, the grieving, the need for constant attention, the tears on tap. My wife was very understanding but then mum got dementia. I was doing as much as I could, all the health and social care appointments, emotional support and practical support around her house. My work suffered and I requested a P-T role as well as moving from a managerial role, to role without management responsibilities.

In the end my wife was calm, fair and blunt. She told me that whatever I did would never be enough so I had to make time as a husband and dad too. There was no ultimatum but she was very clear that our relationship was in the balance. I can still remember the conversation, we were sat at the kitchen table with no distractions. It was clear I had to take a step back.

The emotion I felt was fear. I was afraid I would lose my wife and that jolted me into action and not visiting as much. Telling mum she needed professional help. Mum was in denial but I couldn’t carry on like that. I was burning out and in danger of losing my wife.

I don’t know what will work for you and your husband but the shock conversation worked with me. That was 4 years ago.

Just tell him straight how you feel. He needs to know now rather than presenting you with a fait accompli in a few months time.

Bloody hell.

You’re the Diana in this marriage.

There will be an argument, and that’s on him because he’s been doing shit behind your back and putting her above you.

She lives with you and your marriage is over anyway. Her staying extended periods of time is also a slow death for your marriage. He, and she, are being ridiculous.

Big argument now or a thousand when she moves in.

You ask him to choose. I did the same with my ex dh in the end and fil was gone and back to his country within the month.
it was a horrible year and I’d never have a family member live with me again

I think you've probably already done far too much, OP, which is going to make it very difficult.
Ultimately, you tell your husband that it's either you or his mother, and he has to tell mummy that she can't live with your family.

It’s a hard no. No compromise. No granny annexe. No converting the garage. No need for a massive row. If she moves in, you and your child move out. Rinse. Repeat.

Sorry . It's time for a MASSIVE argument..
Time to make an extremely firm stand.

No, she can't move in with you.
Yes you will help her find a nearby property of her own.

You agreed to a couple of months, she's been there a year.

Now she has left you need to be really clear with DH that it needs to be permanent, she cannot return to your home. I wouldn't get bogged down with reasons that he can use to argue against you. Just keep it simple. You agreed to 2 months. It's been too long. She can't come back. If he pushes it ask if he wants to move out and live with her, and mean it! Assuming you do mean it.

If you let her back in after her trip she will never leave. She needs to know this now so that she can make alternate arrangements and halt any plans to sell her home and turn up at yours with nowhere else to go - not that it would be your problem if she did.

Out of interest how would your DH feel if your parents moved in and monopolised your time?

Oh, there's no easy way to tell him you're not going to be living with his mom. He's so emotionally enmeshed and she's using him as her surrogate husband down to calling him what she used to call FIL. Tell him when they act like they're married rather than you that it's killing your love for him.

And it will. If he keeps on down this road he will be living with Mom and that will be his primary relationship. That's not a good role model for your children either. The emotional incest going on here is toxic.

He may not like it but this is his future if he wants to be his mother's son instead of your husband and father to your child.