What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

This is very true - why would the MIL’s culture trump the OP’s?

Sod that, either she goes, with or without her precious DS or you do.

I hate conflict too so I can completely understand you wanting to avoid an argument, but if the only way to make yourself crystal clear is to have the argument, well then have it! You can’t really afford not to!

I have to say I don’t think your DH is as wonderful as you say if a) he will turn a completely fair boundary from you into an argument. b) what his mother wants is more important to him than what you want c) he allows his mother to badmouth you without challenging it. None of that is wonderful, in fact it’s very poor husband behaviour.

If my DH wanted his mum to live with us, we’d discuss it (without arguing) and if I said no, that would be the end of it. It’s my home as well as his and I have a lot of say in who else lives there! If his mum badmouthed me (whether under our roof or not), he wouldn’t stand for it at all and would probably ask her to leave if she was in our house.

Tell him straight, if she moves to your area she gets her own place, she can entertain him and your child at her place every if she likes but as far as you’re concerned it’s when you’re happy to spend time with her. It’s totally unacceptable to expect you to share your marriage with her in your own home

Be very careful.

My mum moved in with us after my dad died, DH and I were both happy about it, she’s lovely, independent, great with the kids, it was perfect for everyone. We started off with nothing but positives.

Within a couple of years it became tough. Two women in one house, people criticising each other, comments about parenting, constant tiny conflicts. It has now got worse year by year and genuinely has been a massive part in the collapse of our marriage. We are clinging on and she’s still here and it’s awful. She goes away every 3 months and the relief is immense.

You have big concerns already, so it’s could be awful for you. Don’t do it.

You just need to state that you will not accept her moving in - be firm and clear and do it now before the plotting goes any further.
I would suggest looking for sheltered accommodation near by if he wants but there's no way I'd be converting my house or moving to get a granny flat - that will be just as bad.
How old is she?

A wonderful man would not entertain the idea. The woman is a complete nightmare.
(She sounds like my mother, who I happily have no relationship with)

An argument takes two, so decline to argue, just state the fact that you will be divorcing if he tries to force you live with her.

I’m really sorry to read this - what are your DH’s thoughts on her living with you now and is there any chance of her moving out?

You need to ask her to move out. Don’t lose each other because of it.

I'm afraid I don't see how you can avoid an argument if your husband doesn't already realise how unhealthy his relationship with his mother is and how unreasonable she is being. I'm sympathetic to someone needing support after the death of their spouse, but living with you for a year is taking things too far, never mind trying to make it a permanent arrangement.

It would come down to an ultimatum for me. Your suggestion that she stay with you for a month or two every few months is more than generous. If he can't see that, then I would be questioning the future of the marriage.

What age is she? I'm assuming she's of a culture where her husband did everything for her. Is this why she's so dependant. Is your DH her only child?

No matter her situation you've done your bit, she should be ready to get on with her own life, on her own.

Your marriage will be over if she gets her way.

You need to get a situation where she has her own place and then boundaries set in terms of how often you spend time with her.

It’s very sad that she’s lost her husband but her grief and misery cannot engulf you.

You need to have this conversation with your husband asap.

If it helps to come at this with him from a slightly different angle: this is a common conversation many adult children have to have with elderly parents at this point in their lives, it's a very hard conversation, but there are examples and support of how others have worked through it.

We had similar with an elderly relative with an expectation of moving in, or of one of his children moving in with him. What helped us most:

to be honest and clear about what each family member was able to offer (which by itself set the boundaries, we can offer x and y)
Match that to the factual needs of the person involved
Look at the options available (which didn't include sharing a home, it wasn't feasible for many reasons)
Get professionals in to talk about their resources, services, activities etc. and look at all the possibilities.

He started with a day club he enjoyed for several days a week, and then chose supported living near one family member with regular visits from others. He ended up really enjoying it, particularly the friendship groups.

That’s the other thing for OP to consider - don’t accept her for a trial period and see how it goes. Once she moves in she’s there forever.

My mum has no home or money for her own, never learned how to do admin or run a house and is now in her 90s with multiple health issues. She can’t go anywhere.

Awful to say, but sometimes I think I am just actually waiting for her to die so I can get life back - but before she moved in we got on very well.

Listen to this!

Sounds like you’ve lived this miserable experience.

Very few people are the Waltons and people need their own privacy & space.

Hey darling. Your mum said to me that she wants to move in with us permanently. I don't know if she's spoken to you about this yet but I think it's really important that I make it clear that I am not willing to have your mum live with us full time. It is making me miserable. She can visit a month every three months. But no more. She needs to develop her new life, not replace her husband with you, and you are my husband and our child's father and I need to prioritise that.

Tell your husband it's either his mum or you. Because to be honest, if she moves in it will wreck your relationship anyway. Do it sooner rather than later before they make plans behind your back.

Start the conversation straight away.
Say we need to talk about long term plans for your mum, what were you thinking...?

Been here!! Whilst she is away you need to have the conversation with your dh rather than have it when she’s around. You need to state calmly and clearly the reasons for your refusal/no (that it undermines your relationship, that it is distracting him from his relationship with his children, that it is modelling unhealthy behaviour to the kids / whatever your reasons are). He might be hurt/cross/insulted or whatever but you remain absolutely controlled and resolved. You let him go away and think about it if he doesn’t want to immediately agree. But you make it clear that for you it’s non negotiable. You can offer an alternative (nearby sheltered housing) which is reasonable. My Dh was initially very upset but realised my pov was valid and fair. It wasn’t a comfortable time but we got through it.

She'd call him 'daddy' by accident

wtf.

Can you compromise and buy somewhere with a granny annexe ( that she chips in for )?!That way she gets support and isn't lonely but she's not under your feet and in your house. Otherwise ultimatum time.

You can't avoid the argument. You have to have it, because he has to know NOW that it's not happening.

Do not do this unless you want to be the carer.

You have got to tell him that you wouldn't be able to cope and your marriage wouldn't survive because of the stress. It's a huge burden and responsibility and she deserves a place that is able and willing to accommodate her appropriately, wherever that is, and no matter how far away..ha

Offer to find her assisted living, her own apartment, a house nearer to you, but don't let her move in!!!!!

I do sympathise. I will be facing a similar situation, no doubt, but my DH wouldn't want his DM here..I'd be the one advocating for it to my own detriment. Don't be me!