First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Maybe your son said he’s paying and they thanked him? Ask your son if they knew about the bill being paid? Because no one had thanked you!

I remember seeing a comedy sketch years ago where the British were invading India and the Indians simply served them a meal at the border leading to paralysis of the British forces while they argued about who was paying the bill.

The OP said we've met HIS parents

She obviously meant to say his parents in law. The meal was their son, his wife and her parents (their son’s in laws). Everyone was there.

That poster was rude (they generally are) but I'm not sure why not paying your share of the bill is left wing.

They were quite rude not even to say thank you. Very rude - but maybe socially inept?

Perhaps but that’s no excuse for not even thanking the OP.

OMG. I was preparing to be a bit sympathetic to you but there’s nothing more of a yawn than someone using political orientation in either direction as a slur. Ignorant and rude but I’m guessing it’s considered smart banter in your circles.

You sound insufferable and the in laws probably hoped that you would never invite them again.

I’m another one that can’t abide the sneaky paying without asking me. I like having autonomy and an open convo. Multiple times when we were eating out I would pay the entire bill BUT it came with a conversation like “ I’ll get this, my treat as it’s so lovely to get us all together”. Had somebody said actually I’d prefer to pay for my meals then that’s fine and absolutely their prerogative.

Honestly OP, secret paying comes across as a bit manipulative and performative and it feels very much like your faux outrage is directed to the “ I can’t believe nobody paid the bill !” ( even though YOU paid the bill) when the truer words would be “I didn’t get to do my Big Thing and Get Thanks”.

but that aside, your “kids” and the DIL parents sound very entitled and grabby and I wouldn’t be “treating” those adults any more until they learned to appreciate it. Put your money away for the performative gestures for your grandkids who will be much more grateful and readily to throw themselves at you in gratitude and smother your face in kisses.

I now wonder if they didn't say anything to call the OP out on being silly about the bill and not stating they were paying. Maybe like several of us on here they dislike the secret bill paying.
I don't see why it you knew you were going to pay you didn't just say as someone else mentioned 'our treat today' even before or after paying. You could still have gone to the bar and paid and then come back to say what you had done 'its really busy today, we paid at the bar..our treat this time'. If you wanted you could even add on a comment to say 'lets do this again and it can then be your turn'

Maybe they would have prefered it if the OP hadn’t paid, but it’s still incredibly rude not to say thank you regardless!

I was definitely on OP's side until she characterised not paying your fair share of the bill as 'left wing' and then called another poster 'a moron' and told them to fuck off. It's always a red flag when the OP's posts are deleted by Mumsnet.

If OP had voiced these sorts of views during the meal, her son's in-laws probably decided not to contribute as the experience had been so uncomfortable.

Well, you only feel patronised if you let yourself feel inferior.

Instead, what you can do is thank them, genuinely. "Oh that's so kind of you. Thank you very much. Next time, I insist, you'll be my guests."

Gracious thanks and a genuine offer to return the hosting is all it takes. Your hosts feel good, and you have given notice that next time, it's your turn to pay.

Did you invite them out?
If so, they may be planning to invite you back and they will pick the bill then.
But I would of 100% thanked you both.
What is clear to me is that they all knew you had paid.
I would keep a note and see how it progresses from there. If they do not take you out and retaliate, or invite you to a home dinner/ barbecue or they behave like a Scrouge in any other occasions, then I would keep my distance and stick to pay my bill, only, strictly.

So your son chose the restaurant and didn't pay a penny? And you always pay for him? He's married, surely old enough to pay for himself. I hope you are just as angry with him as you are with the in-laws, he is equally as rude and entitled.

She said her son invited them all and chose the restaurant. But also says her son and DIL have never paid, even for themselves as OP always pays. So… they just seem to have assumed that OP would pay for everyone, including their DIL parents. Just sounds like a group of selfish and oblivious people happily taking advantage.

Would that still not merit an acknowledgement and a thank you?

In said case, then I would not pay a dime for any of them going forward.....

I think I’d be tempted to pay for everyone except that poster, and say I didn’t pay for yours because I know you find it insulting and offensive. When someone has unexpectedly paid for me (and others) in a group setting I’ve been surprised but say thank you, that was very kind of you. And leave it at that.

Some of the posts on this thread are just so peak MN! Being offended by being paid for, and seeing the generosity of @50sandFabulous as a character flaw? Only on MN ...

Chance to perform? It's very basic manners to say thank you when someone buys you something. Surely you thank people for things they give you, or do you just roll your eyes and get annoyed at the generous people trying to 'perform'?
Christmas must be fun.

God, that's so bloody rude!

I am struck that you paid for your DILs dress. Also, the thing about one couple paying for everyone is that it sets an awkward precedent. Most people can't afford that and just prefer to pay their way. Then again, how often are you all really going to meet up as a group.

Very rude of them.

I actually don’t like it sometimes.
It can make me uncomfortable, though it depends on context. In this case I’d now feel like I owed you a meal and would have to arrange something etc etc.