First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Some of the responses on here are very odd indeed, it actually reads like people are jealous fne op could afford to pay for lunch and want to give her a kick for it.

I would feel a bit put out too OP

It's still normal to make a point of thanking people at the end of the meal. And perhaps saying that it's your treat next time.

The issue niw is have you set a standard that you pay every time? It might have been better to have said “our treat this time” so they don’t assume you will cover it going forward. (Unless you want to of course)

This is likely imo. Unless there is big wealth difference.
I find it strange your kids are already married and you’re only going out for dinner with them now! What’s the story there?? X

If youd said "our treat" id say thank you.

I wouldnt do the dance, id accept your kindness but id probably make note to reciprocate next time.

I wouldnt say more than thank you or reiterate my gratitude it was dinner not a kidney

Maybe they think you are weird for doing it secretly? I had forgotten how my in laws have an annoying habit of trying to make it a grand gesture when they pay for everyone. They will often sneak off to pay but then declare they have done so in order for everyone to be grateful and think that it was so kind.
My parents if they take us out always pay and don't make a thing of it so it always seems very dramatic when the in laws make it seem like they have performed an every day miracle.
They also do this when then have met separately with my parents which makes my parents feel really awkward - they have told them they will pay for themselves, they have given reminders that the in laws paid last time but they still always slope off to try and sneak in getting the bill first. My parents don't appreciate it anymore as like others have said there is clearly a power play at force rather than it being a kind gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this

So my husband went up to the bar

So did you both go, or just your husband?

Is it possible your son said 'dad is going to get this'

Or did you both walk up to the bar together - maybe come back with drinks?

Odd that nobody at all, son included said thank you.

Do not make a habit of this. Next time Bill split 3 ways

Agree it’s weird and rude. Even if it all felt a bit rushed towards the end (have had this with a bigger group - everyone has had a drink and some are not staying on top of how the bill is paid etc), they should have at least messaged to thank you afterwards!

Plus - with costs being what they are right now, a meal out for six would have been expensive! A good few hundred quid at least - not exactly small change…

They should have said thank you at least?

@50sandFabulous I’m sure you won’t, I wouldn’t either, but what do you think would happen if you sent a message to your son telling him that his and his in-laws share of the bill was £xxx and you’d appreciate them transferring it immediately please?

I wouldn’t as I’ve said, but I’d be very tempted to. I’d also decline further invitations out with his in-laws, they’ve clearly demonstrated their character. Sadly their daughter also seems to share their values, and even more sadly that seems to have rubbed off on your son. I’d hope DS and DDIL properly thanked you for your contribution to their wedding?

Sounds like for your son it is now expected that you pay and he likely told them before they even went that you will pay.

Still bloody rude not to thank you of course, but it would explain why nobody asked about the bill.

If I were you i would stop paying. Let the bill come. Suggest you split it.

When a nice gesture starts to be expected, it quickly becomes something someone feels entitled to, so you need to stop doing it

Just rude. I like a sneaky bar pay, but would also say thank you. I had wondered about the wedding costs but looks like they’re just CF all the way down.

Let's all stop avoiding the white elephant in the room. Are they poor? Did your son marry some girl from a working class family with socially awkward parents who can't afford anything?

Great points!

i find that really odd and i’d certainly be asking who paid and offering my share

You did a good thing. Leave it at The. Any net picking and bringing up this issue is going to cause problems in your child's marriage. Just stop don't do it you paid you did a nice thing your son and daughter-in-law know and that's more than enough. Your grandchildren will share genetics with them. It's best to have everyone getting along trust me. I come from a very big and culturally diverse family and it's better to just keep things peaceful and even raising it with your own child will cause issues in their heart and they will raise it with their partner and then they will raise it with their parents. Think about it it's not worth it.

I would have felt really uncomfortable in their situation. I hate secret bill paying, they will have noticed. It's not as discreet as you think. Then you're relying on them pretending to want to pay the bill, then being surprised that you have, then offering to pay, then acting gracious when you say no, then being thankful. It's so much acting and playing. I'd feel so incredibly uncomfortable about it. I'd feel like you've taken my autonomy away. I wouldn't want you to pay, I want to pay for myself, but you've taken that choice away. Not everyone, in fact I'd say most people don't like being paid for.

You should have said that you were going to pay the bill. You've put the onus on them to bring up that you have secretly paid the bill and that's so awkward and embarrassing. I don't think anyone is truly grateful in that situation, I think they feel awkward and indebted, it's more for the benefit of the person paying, you've paid for the opportunity to be praised and look generous.

But then I'm autistic, so I find all this social dancing around very uncomfortable, just say what you're going to do.

I would have said Thank you if I was took out to lunch by anyone but then my mother raised me right.
I'd be especially grateful if that included one of my children, their spouses and my husband! It is common decency at this point.

They are def CF. But so are your son and dil. My brother is wealthier than me (sahm) so if we're out he will always insist on paying. But I never count on it, always ask if I can have a go this time and when he refuses I thank him graciously.
My Mil insists on paying but so does my dh so they both try to get to the Bill first. Anyway the person who pays always gets a big thank you.

I would be appalled if my sons and future dils didn't say thank you for inviting them out! What an entitled behaviour. Everyone was wrong here- the OP as well for letting her son act entitled and not say thank you. I would stop inviting them.

The payment part of this ‘expedition’; should have been discussed at outset, from the moment of invitation.

Why didn’t DIL’s parents contribute to wedding??

I kind of think when you've got 2 sets of parents who have paid for your wedding you could between you scrape together the money to treat the four of them

Probably it's been aid for twice and they're posting about you on Facebook.