I feel proud of not drinking for a night - does that mean I’m an alcoholic

[cbr333]

I have posted here before about trying to reduce my alcohol intake. I have it all together on the face of it but have decided to try and do dry June as I have been drinking one or two glasses of wine every night and more at the weekends. Doesn’t impact my day-to-day but I definitely don't feel fresh in the mornings.

I managed last night and feel confident I can do the same tonight, but the sense of achievement I’m feeling about a single day off wine is a bad sign isn’t it.

I feel like I’ve sleep-walked into a problem and because it’s lovely cote de Provence rose and I’m drinking it alongside perello olives and Torres crisps that it’s somehow not an addiction but just a mum of youngish children having some sort of reward.

I feel a bit ashamed to be honest.

Went to the pub unexpectedly for an hour or so tonight - everyone drinking and I had a water!

back home now cooking and genuinely looking forward to opening a blood orange San pellegrino 😊

Yes wine. It’s the worst, it is so easy to drink a lot of it very quickly.

Well done you.Xx

This “advice”, along with most of the other opining as to whether OP is “an alcoholic” or not, is not only plain wrong but potentially very damaging.

You're conflating severe physical dependence with alcohol addiction.
Some people become so physically dependent on alcohol that stopping suddenly can be dangerous and they need medical supervision. That's absolutely true. But addiction is not defined by needing a drink the moment you wake up.
In fact, one of the reasons I dislike the term "alcoholic" (and why it’s not the accepted medical terminology either) is that it creates a category of "other people". The alcoholic becomes the person drinking vodka at breakfast, shaking, unable to get through the day without alcohol. Everyone else can then reassure themselves that they don't have a problem because they're "not one of them".

The reality is that alcohol addiction exists on a spectrum. Plenty of people have serious problems with alcohol long before they develop severe physical dependence. Many never reach that stage at all.
But if someone repeatedly drinks more than they intend to, struggles to stop, spends years trying to moderate, or continues despite the harm it's causing, that's a problem whether or not they're drinking at 8am or whether they get the shakes or DTs.

Telling people they aren't addicted unless they need alcohol from the moment they wake up or they can’t go a day without it is not only inaccurate, it's potentially harmful. It encourages people to dismiss genuine alcohol problems until they become far more severe.

You're right, the AF Peroni tastes just like 'normal' lager, Estrella Damm is another.
Freixenet AF Prosecco is lovely too. I've never managed to find an acceptable AF red wine.

Lime and soda is nice and dry and sometimes I forget I am drinking that rather than wine. Or a tonic with ice and lemon without the gin. When out take a bottle of fizzy water when visiting friends then have a very watered down white wine sprizer. That way you are still participating without others nagging you to drink as you appear to be (and they are too pissed to notice it's a very weak wine)

Absolutely! Well said.

I know of one functioning alcoholic in a very very high powered job who only drinks in the evening. Doesn’t mean they aren’t completely dependent on alcohol and having major health issues (physical and mental) they won’t acknowledge.

If you met them at their day job you wouldn’t have a clue. Sauve and charming all the way in an expensive suit and watch.

The only thing their spouse has been able to do is persuade them to get a car and driver, rather than drive themselves as they would undoubtedly be over the limit. This was framed as giving them more time to work on their commute. They are so selfish they didn’t think at all about the risk to others by driving themselves next day.

Their spouse wants to leave but is having difficult getting all the financial info due to his increasing paranoia and outbursts.

I quite like the Coop Nosecco, a touch sweet but a bit more palatable than some others I’ve tried.

You're right, never found a AF red that really works. When someone cracks that, I’ll be dancing.

Managed this afternoon / evening. As I thought, my friend asked a few times ‘are you suuuuure you won’t have a drink’ but not in an overly pushy way. Drove home and had my San pellegrino and now watching the football.

I feel good about my decisions and am now 6 days without a drink but (and I hate to admit this) I’m a bit bored!? Maybe bored is the wrong word but I don’t have any sense of reward. Does that make sense?

Well done @cbr333

Almost a whole week, and including the weekend, and including a trip to the pub and meeting your friend. But you've stuck to your promise to yourself.

That is not true. That is someone who is physically dependent on alcohol due to alcoholism, but many alcoholics are not physically dependent and do one day go cold turkey.

You have to come up with new ways to get the dopamine hit. It’s normal for humans to seek reward and pleasure hits and you’ve removed your easy source.

For me, I replaced alcohol with little hits of shopping on Vinted, buying really good baking ingredients and making delicious cakes and long, hot baths. But everyone’s different. I haven’t picked up alcohol since September!

Exercise is a good mood booster but that can be logistically tricky when you've got young kids. What do you fancy doing? You're probably going to be feeling a bit more mental clarity so this is a good time to make use of that. I like doing creative things but again everyone is different.

Just weighed myself and I’ve lost 1.5lbs so that’s a bit of a dopamine hit 😁😂

DH works away for long periods of time and this is one of those, so my evenings are not really my own and I work too so not a huge amount of time for rewards - maybe when I have had that glass(es) of wine as a dopamine hit and relaxant.

feel a little sorry for myself this evening 😂

You need to sort your life out. Do you want some tough love?

I used to drink like you did. I ended up with breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and spent two years having surgery and failed reconstruction. Alcohol is linked to so many cancers - liver, bowel, oesophagus, breast. Don't end up like me.

No shade whatsoever as we've all got our demons. Its not the fact youre proud, but the fact you have to "try" says yes, there's a big problem.

Good for you though.

Surely if you were an alcoholic you'd be dependent on drinking - you wouldn't be able to function without it?

I'm sorry, but this is very misleading.

The vast majority of real alcoholics passed through a phase of drinking just like the OP. The others' downfall was more rapid.

The ones who "can't function without it" are simply further down the same road.

@cbr333 is definitely doing the right thing (and good on you OP) and might not be a real alcoholic, which would be great, but being able to function is genuinely not a certificate of non-alcoholism.

I was aware of my own problematic drinking in my 20s, kept a record of all my alcohol-free days until my 40s, achieved multiple periods of sustained non drinking (tops 18 months) but by the time I was 54 had to admit I was a real, bonafide alcoholic and was utterly powerless over alcohol. I still had a job, a car, a relationship, some savings and a roof over my head.

I was totally dependent by then and needed a medical detox so was given the same advice as your friend to not suddenly stop without intervention.

I've been happily sober since 2022.

eta sorry, it wasn't your friend who was told it was dangerous to stop, it was a pp.

Im in recovery 5 years sober. I did not drink every day and could go weeks without drinking but when I did binge I would drink till I blacked out. One sip of alcohol and the cravings are unbearable. So no alcoholics dont all crave alcohol all day everyday. Well done on your cutting down x

Thank you so much for those messages, I can’t tell you how much you all are helping me to stay focused on making a positive change.

today I’m going to spend some time reading about the benefits of cutting down / stopping drinking. I have to take my children to a sports class then rather than my usual Sunday of cooking a roast I think we’ll watch a family film together with snacks then I’ll treat us to lunch somewhere - suppose I’ve saved around £30 this week on not buying wine so it can be today’s reward!?

You're doing a truly excellent thing, OP. Well done.

A friend saw a play about alcohol misuse some years ago, recognised himself in the central character - middle class 'respectable' professional, family man etc - who had gradually become a functioning alcoholic (his words). His drinking was similar to yours. He stopped drinking there and then, and hasn't touched a drop since. He told me it has completely changed his life and that he feels better in every way.

Boo to the friends to say, 'Surely just one?' You are giving yourself and your children a gigantic gift and I find you quite inspiring.

Keep going with the rewards. You deserve them.

I tend to think of alcoholism as a scale. On the left side are teetotallers and on the opposite are bums in shop corners who’d sell their kidney for a sip of liquor.

Most people fall somewhere in between and if you’re drinking regularly then you’re firmly on the alcoholic scale. So many people are in denial about how much and how often they drink.

Alcohol dependency. You really need to cut out the drink totally before you really can't. You need to address this feeling of having to treat yourself with a reward for doing your job. You don't "deserve" alcohol just because you parented your children. Women have force fed this crap by women's magazines and Sm that they deserve and are entitled to have whatever "must have" they want. Why do everyday tasks have to result in a reward?
Well done for going without, i know it is not easy but if you want to be here to see your children's children you have to stop now.

I've just read through your posts OP and a lot of the replies. I'm quite inspired by you! You're doing amazingly. The weight loss and money saving will surely be worth it by the end of the month. I have been losing about a 1lb a week recently and I can't tell you how very very hungry I've been, so at least that's just a little added bonus for you (and I appreciate it's taking a lot of effort but know weight loss wasn't your overall goal). What I've found with cutting back on wine and treats is the less I have them, the less I want them. I honestly never thought I'd say that. Hopefully you'll find the same. Keep posting, even if it's not daily as the month goes on - no one thinks it's self indulgent and I think it's probably keeping you on track. Well done again.

@ERthreethank you, it’s not so much a reward for parenting it’s a moment of ‘this is the end of jobs for the day and it’s punctuating that time to sit down and watch tv / eat.

I don’t see parenting as a chore but I definitely do feel tired when DH is away. I’m working, running the house, parenting as well as caring for an older parent and the mental load can be intense in that you can never really switch your brain off. I do think that the ‘mother load’ is more than a trope. I think a drink, ironically, falls under self-care even though in practice (and certainly in excees) it’s self-sabotage.

I have been there, my ex husband spent up to 9 months of the year away so i understand about carrying the load but you have to find a better way of self caring.
You have to stop using any excuse to justify a drink. I have been you and you have to face facts, it is time to contact AA, you can do it online,please have a look at their site today. You can do this for you💐