To break up due to finances?

[MM1972]

To consider breaking up with partner over finances? My partner has 3X my current earnings. They never have any money and are constantly 'borrowing' from me to fix their car. I never get the money back.

The 'family' car they bought was something I felt was unnecessary. We had a reliable car of similar mileage and age which we had always had maintained at the main dealer. The 'new' car has been a disaster.

The main reason they have no money is due to them taking out numerous payday type loans.

They have already paid way more than they borrowed. I think they should go for bankruptcy and start again. They refuse this suggestion point blank.

The car is currently broken down and I will not contribute any more money to it. The MOT is up in August and it has no chance of passing. They still owe money on it.

Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house. The rent is £700 a month. The location of the rental property entails an hour commute each way to my work. They want to rent to be close to their daughter who has her own house and partner.

All the 'theys' and 'theirs' are confusing. Is it just one person that you are talking about?

It's very unlikely his previous partner was controlling about money when they first got together or he wouldn't have stayed. She probably reached the stage you are at now. His diabolical money management is not only costing you money as you have been having to rescue him it is affecting your mental wellbeing.

Such polar attitudes towards money are never going to make for a happy relationship. I would say leave and let him find someone who has the same values and outlook as him but that wouldn't work for him. He needs someone like you to financially support him.

If you love him enough to stay, never entangle your finances with him.

Im guessing the OP is a man and the Amazon junk purchaser is a woman. OP is probably concerned mumsnet will be biased.

OP, I would definitely break up.

Your thread made me think of this one, it honestly baffles so many people why you'd choose to be in a relationship which is going to or already cause you so much hassle

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5535272-why-are-some-men-and-women-so-scared-of-being-alone?page=1

I found out in my 20s that being with someone who is financially incompatible with you is a recipe for disaster. (And I don't mean different salaries but financial mindsets.)
If your partner earns 3 x what you do and is still burning through money and asking you for more, you will just become resentful and they may drag you down into debt and financial ruin too.
I would cut my losses and end the relationship. Being on the same page financially is so important and a frivolous spender who is in debt is going to cause you stress and upset.

But you're not helpless.

You have agency , your own home and you're an adult

You won't change your partner

Ensure all bills and debts relating to your partner/that property are NOT in your name

End the relationship

Live in your property

Stop thinking of yourself as helpless

You're definitely not

You're not compatible. Finances absolutely can ruin couples as resentment in seeing them waste so much money will become a bigger and bigger wedge. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say I also wouldn't be surprised if your partner doesn't have any pension savings, meaning this will affect your relationship long into the future too.

You won't be getting what you have lent them back, but cut your losses now and move on.

Move back to your own town and skip the long commute. You'll be saving on that to start with. If you have to wait for the lease to end on your own place, rent a room as cheaply as you can deal with and put those savings away to treat yourself to something nice to mark the end of this mess.

@MM1972 You need to leave the relationship. If there are any debts associated with your address it could affect your credit rating as well.

It sounds like this person sees you as a cash cow and has zero respect for you.

Stop financing their inability to behave like an adult and end it.

I thought this too. But even if @MM1972 is a guy with a financially feckless wife/girlfriend, he is under no obligation to feel helpless and stick around

Edit - if there are children to support then those finances need to be agreed upon

Leave her and move back into your own house.

It wouldn't matter if it was a pair of gerbils. As my grandfather said, "When poverty comes in the door, love goes out the window". You are not compatible.

Can we introduce you to the concept of structural inequality? Men have acquired jobs, networks, assets, inheritances, goodwill, assumptions of power and more over hundreds of years - women are still assumed to be daft, low earners, part time workers and spendthrifts. Of course it makes a difference, and that's before class comes into it!

Sounds like has been going on for a while so YABVVU in not having left already. Are you that desperate for sex? Sex is only relevant in suggestions for what to do about the lack of sex when you split up.

Translation: "I've always spent more than I have, then tried to get my partner to bail me out and dismissed any suggestions that I might budget and live within my means, and my previous partner didn't like it either".

If you're not going to break up, be together while living separately. Go back to your place, keep finances totally separate and never give them a penny. They'll probably be off looking for another sucker fairly quickly. But if not, they won't be getting you into debt as well.

It's just odd that you'd use the plural to describe one person.

Of course you should split up. The 'relationship' sounds crap and tbh you were stupid to go rent a house with this fool, in an area that he wanted, while your own house sits empty. You're making suggestions to improve things while he continues to piss money away. Honestly, raise the bar. What exactly does he bring to your life?

Over the years, I've been surprised by how much I value the fact that DH and I are on a very similar page when it comes to money. It's one of those things that seems really boring and unimportant when you're starting out in life, but gradually becomes more and more important as the years go on. I wouldn't have put it on my list of desirables in a partner back when I was a teen, but now I'm in my 40s it's really up there.

OP you really don't have to put up with this stress in your life. Only you can decide if your partner is worth it, but personally I'd throw this one back.

YANBU. Your partner keeps digging themselves into a hole and expecting you will bail them out. Their comment about a previous partner being controlling with money suggests this is just the way they live; they're not interested in changing.

It's crazy for you to pay to live in rented accommodation when you own your own property. Move out today. Whether you give your partner another chance by living separately and dating, or whether you dump them now, don't give them anymore money.

You don't sound either happy or compatible.

How quickly can you move back to your own place? This “partner” is anything but. They are a piss taker.

Why do you keep giving him money?

Do you have children together?

Get out before they drag you down further.

I agree that this is not sustainable but you may need to plan the long game if you are to get out. Presumably your house is rented out.. How long will it take to get that back?
Start to get things in order like checking whose name subscriptions are in, who is liable for the tenancy etc and only announce you are leaving when you have somewhere to go. Take care.

I've been the one taking out the loans and it becomes a circle, you lose a big chunk of money paying them back, can't borrow from better lenders and your money is going on paying that crap back, always in debt. I felt really bad about it but felt stuck in a rut and in the end, my solution was to take on extra hours and cut back on subscriptions (the gin club can definitely go!) It's hard but once the short term loans are gone he'll be in a better position to start taking better steps towards better finances. He needs to see for himself that these loans are bad for him and that he will never get to a secure financial position while he's stuck in a circle of higher interest loans. For me the turning point was seeing that I needed to change for myself, once I realised that I cracked on and took control of the situation.

You have every right to do what's best for you lovely, it sounds like you've tried and if you need to step away for your own peace and for your financial security it's totally understandable, hope you can find the right outcome for you xx