To break up due to finances?

[MM1972]

To consider breaking up with partner over finances? My partner has 3X my current earnings. They never have any money and are constantly 'borrowing' from me to fix their car. I never get the money back.

The 'family' car they bought was something I felt was unnecessary. We had a reliable car of similar mileage and age which we had always had maintained at the main dealer. The 'new' car has been a disaster.

The main reason they have no money is due to them taking out numerous payday type loans.

They have already paid way more than they borrowed. I think they should go for bankruptcy and start again. They refuse this suggestion point blank.

The car is currently broken down and I will not contribute any more money to it. The MOT is up in August and it has no chance of passing. They still owe money on it.

Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house. The rent is £700 a month. The location of the rental property entails an hour commute each way to my work. They want to rent to be close to their daughter who has her own house and partner.

Seriously OP, what are the positives in this relationship for you?

Yes end it. This must be sucking all the joy out of your life and causing you stress. And your partner clearly has no intention of changing their lifestyle and spending habits. The only thing you can control is your own response.

You clearly need to say ok this isn’t working for me. I’ll be moving back into my house, I’ve given the tenants notice so will be 90 days (or whatever time)

finances are a very common reason to end a relationship because they are fundamental.

They earn 3 x as much as you but borrow money from you? Nah. Wouldn’t be having that.

OP stop making suggestions about what to cut down on, if he's ignoring you, you may as well save your breath, and move back to your own house! You seem to be ignoring this advice, why? Is it because your house is rented out?

If you like him in other ways, just stop giving him any money. If he asks for money for things you don't want to spend money on, tell him no, you don't have any.

But really, I think you should drop him ASAP. He sounds like he's using you and I can't see how it can be good for you to spend so much time with someone who treats you so badly.

Edit to add: In that not spending money on things you don't want to spend money on, I include not going halves on things like the TV packages.

why on earth would you stay in this relationship, especially when you have your own house? What is stopping you leaving tomorrow? Your partner is rinsing you and you're enabling it. why?

Please leave for your own sake. Do not under any circumstances marry this person.

🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I said yabu because I couldn’t follow all the they them stuff

What do you mean by saying you have been overruled? No one gets to overrule me in my own house regarding my own finances. I decide which takeaways I am prepared to pay for and which streaming services I am prepared to fund. If anyone in the house disagrees with me, they can pay for it themselves.

Why are you being so extraordinarily passive? Go back to your own house and thank your deity of choice for a lucky escape, albeit one that has been far too long delayed.

Why are you choosing to hide an aspect of this story?

Stop lending them money. Move back to your own house. Stop letting them make all the decisions about spending and letting yourself be overruled. You do sound rather passive OP.

The line about “previous partner was controlling” is a gigantic red flag.

The second most common real reason why relationships fail is Money.

If they were male they would be called a Cocklodger. Chuck back - or they will bleed you dry.

Absolutely this.
I can't read threads like this.
You lost me at the first "They"

I presumed the op is male and they’ve seen what MN is like towards male posters!

You don’t say the reason for you not leaving OP.
Im wondering if there is something holding you back?
I think that you know that you need to end it and leave, but what is preventing this at this time?

Who on earth leaves an owned property to go live and rent elsewhere to be close to an adult child? I get being close to family but then you'd look to move altogether. What happens if said adult child moves themselves?
You say 3 times your salary but without knowing what that figure is it's hard to say.

You really need to ask?
Try and get the money back you've lent him, then dump him.

It doesn't sound like you have much say in the relationship if you get overruled about cars etc.

Go back to your house.

This is madness.

You are being rinsed with no chance of getting any of your money back.

Why stay in such an unfair situation? You go and live in your owned home and let this person look after themselves for a change.

Are you absolutely sure that you aren't just being fed a pack of lies and your money isn't simply being stolen and stashed?

Good lord I couldn’t live like this. They aren’t a partner, they are a giant albatross around your neck and they will drown you. Honestly just leave and focus on rebuilding your own depleted finances and leave them to wallow in their awful life choices.

I dont care who is male and who is female.
Living like this would stress me out - i just could not do it

I would run not walk away from this relationship...

All of this.

You are incompatible and will split up eventually so it might as well be now.