To break up due to finances?

[MM1972]

To consider breaking up with partner over finances? My partner has 3X my current earnings. They never have any money and are constantly 'borrowing' from me to fix their car. I never get the money back.

The 'family' car they bought was something I felt was unnecessary. We had a reliable car of similar mileage and age which we had always had maintained at the main dealer. The 'new' car has been a disaster.

The main reason they have no money is due to them taking out numerous payday type loans.

They have already paid way more than they borrowed. I think they should go for bankruptcy and start again. They refuse this suggestion point blank.

The car is currently broken down and I will not contribute any more money to it. The MOT is up in August and it has no chance of passing. They still owe money on it.

Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house. The rent is £700 a month. The location of the rental property entails an hour commute each way to my work. They want to rent to be close to their daughter who has her own house and partner.

OK, well that complicates things.

Are you married?

Does your partner contribute fairly to the costs of having children?

You ask would you be unreasonable to break up over finances - no.

Can you manage financially if you split up? Would the children be with you (mostly) or your partner?

Can each partner afford their share of supporting the children across two homes?

What are you wanting from this thread? Validation? Advice on how to sort this out if you stay (if possible)? Advice on how to leave? Or offloading your frustration?

Do you both work FT or does your DP work PT due to childcare reasons?

No one wants their relationship to fail. But sometimes things /people can’t /don’t change

I didn’t want to be a divorced now single mum of a primary age child - but I am as I made the decision to say no more and get a divorce

You're simply not compatible. Time to split and move on with your own life, free of the other person. They'll just continue to drag you down, both emotionally and financially.

OP, there doesn’t seem to be any warmth or affection in your posts- is that the case in the relationship? What are the positives? Are there any? How do they balance against the negative?

You can end a relationship for any reason, any time of course, and money attitude difference is as good as any. But, in this case, it sounds like there would be a LOT of children affected- how old are your and DP’s children? Taking the nuclear option now may be a bit from 0-100 immediately for the family. How does a split work for them?

What are the actual real consequences from DPs money management, what are the real harms, how significant? What is the alternative life you would afford if DP managed money a bit less frivolously?

You haven’t mentioned discussing with DP, what emotional need are they plugging by buying tat, the expensive car? People buy ‘tat’ to make them feel better- what is your DP trying to feel better about, for example. And that is whatever their sex. Do they see the alternative existence you could be having, do they care?

Too little is stated here to properly advise you. You may want to think on these questions and talk to DP, then post on relationships board. FWIW, I am getting DP being a woman vibes from what you are saying, and you maybe a man- sex doesn’t affect what I say here.

I’d be separating my address and finances sharpish.

Once you’ve done that, you can decide if you want to end the relationship, or continue it whilst living apart.

The failure would be staying with this Wankbadger

The harms of the spending are that we are on the bread line. At times I have had no money at all to even put £10 petrol into the car. So zero savings and zero chance of a family holiday. I have a business and at those times almost miraculously a customer has come in and made a significant purchase.

The income is more than sufficent were it not for the payday loans. I think the original balances have likely been paid off several times over and morally I have no issues with going bankrupt and writing them off. The terms of the loans were disgusting and predatory.

Both full time working.

You/they need proper financial advise from a reputable company about the loans. Yes they are high % and hard to claw self back out

Well 3 children are certainly a complication, especially if the rented home is nearer their school. Will your partner go for debt counselling? If you say you cant go on like this and need to leave will that shock them enough to rein in the spending?

You cant go on like this, it will just get worse.

They are getting you in debt.
They are making the kids lives worse.
They are making you feel stressed and worried about money.

It’s just not worth it.

You have to think what’s best for you (and the kids).

You can’t carry on like this.

How old are your joint children? In your shoes I’d take the kids and move back home, cancel all joint non-core bills, credit cards, and joint accounts, and claim CMS. I enjoy spending money, but only after all bills, savings, pensions, etc. are covered and I couldn’t live the way you are living. It sounds like you are in very controlling relationship

Dump her or him and go back to your own house
Good luck

This would not be your failure @MM1972 .

You have tried to help your DP address their spending issues, but they will not listen.

If they have spent house proceeds, inheritance, loans, salary then they have a serious issue with money that requires specialist help.

In your shoes I would have no hesitation in removing myself from this relationship because they will drag you and your kids down too.

He needs to speak to someone like Step Change.

You need to separate your finances, if not your life, you could lose everything due to his out of control spending.

What happens when you lose your home and can't provide a home or food for the kids?

I'd almost guarantee they are gambling or have a hidden addiction.

Sorry but you are being used. It sounds as if the only one making any sacrifices to keep this relationship going is you. Is he really worth it? Doesn’t sound like it to me.

You are impoverishing yourself and your children because of this man. You will look back one day and wish you hadn't.

Why allow yourself to feel helpless, when you are not? You can leave immediately. Do it; this relationship is clearly all wrong, and your own financial security is greatly at risk if you allow it to continue.

You're not really breaking up because of finances. You're breaking up because the guy is an idiot.

If you reframe the spending as an addiction, you can see that your partner is not doing anything to face or acknowledge it, they are in total denial.
Where would you like to be in 5 years time? Still on the breadline or thriving without someone setting your money on fire and sweeping the ash under the carpet?
Sorry you are going through this, addictions are the absolute pits.

Previous partner was “controlling about finances”?

Translation: previous partner got fed up with their financial irresponsibility and now they are trying to manipulate you into being more tolerant by claiming that expressing perfectly reasonable concerns is “being controlling”.

Your partner is taking the piss financially and refusing to acknowledge it or take any responsibility for it. I would run a mile.

Oh sue me. Of course it’s your fault for staying and having three kids with this sucker when you (and him!) already have them. Don’t you want to fail? Then stay and keep sinking. Poor children.

And to the people suggesting s/he ltb and applies for state support, seriously? After having already at least a child and deciding to create three more with a financially incompetent idiot who cares only about cars and tv? How about people are finally responsible for their own actions instead.

Are you in love with your partner?
Do you love your partner?
Do you like your partner?