Why are some men and women so scared of being alone?

[bluebirdsandblueskies]

I am a single parent and have been single for six years with a ten year old daughter. I have been on a few dates here and there and could go on more but also refuse to waste time or settle for someone just for companionship.

My ex recently shared he had been seeing someone. He said it had been really stressful the past 9 months they’ve been dating (think due to a possible health concern on her part), she doesn’t seem happy as she wants to spend more time with him but obviously our daughter is his priority (they haven’t met) and he’s said to her if she’s not happy she can walk away. Apparently she doesn’t want to walk away. I didn’t ask for this information my ex just offered it up to me, adding she’d been in a twenty year marriage and has older teens. He didn’t seem overly into the relationship. Which has left me wondering - why are people so needy? Why are they both together? He doesn’t seem to be able to offer her what she really wants? why would you settle again after twenty years in a failed marriage.

And he doesn’t seem to want to commit more to her? But obviously likes the companionship. Are people that scared to be on their own? Or have I just been single for so long I won’t settle and actually companionship, even if it doesn’t tick many boxes, is more important than being alone?

Some people just hate being single, I have 2 friends in my circle who despite having a great support system from us others in the circle and decent family support refuse to consider leaving their utterly miserable and diabolical partners. I wonder sometimes why they just don’t mutually leave their crappy relationships and move in with each other to help costs stay down and help one another with childcare. They’d be better off in every single way and so would their DC. Their partners are those men who seem like terrific people on the outside (pleasant/chatty/funny) but the reality is they’re 1 step away from needing their arses wiped. One recently had a pregnancy scare and actually admitted she was going to terminate because her partner in the 4 years he’d been a father hadn’t changed 1 nappy, done a single night feed or ever taken their DC even for a walk in the pram without his own mother present. My other friends DP is heroically lazy, doesn’t work, doesn’t do much but get stoned and post pictures of him gaming with the cat on his knee whilst she’s working 40 hours a week and still having to put her child in wrap around care because that lazy prick won’t even collect their child from school because it affects his sleep ins.
Whilst they’re not physically abusive partners that behaviour is soul destroying surely? I keep my gob shut now because I have nothing to say besides “ride solo”. I don’t get it. I’d rather be single than ever have adult child as a partner.
I think being taught that we are able to be happy single should be part of the curriculum at this point.

@ShutupLwreni think we all know many people like this. I just can’t imagine ever wanting to spend my life in such misery. Or with such dickheads. And there is no point trying to speak sense to your friends they will never understand.

I totally agree. of course I would love to find someone to have a relationship with but after a horrendous break up with my ex (in question) I will no longer settle for ‘that will do’! However he and his new GF seem to be doing just that. Why do you want to swap one stressful relationship for the same shit? I think I have always been fiercely independent and OK by myself - which means I’ve never been able to put up with any crap! Or I just have a low tolerance to bullshit! The idea of putting up with mediocre to give up my freedom makes me feel a little queasy!

Because a lot of ppl (especially men) place great value on sex, specifically regular sex, and are willing to tolerate a lot of shit in order to have it. They may not think highly of the other person at all, in fact they may even actively dislike them, but the availability of sex outweighs that for them

As already been said, often men think that even if there's the potentiality of sex, they're somehow winning at life.

Some people just aren’t solitary creatures

I’ve got one friend who just goes from one relationship to another she’s never been on her own for longer than a few months
even when her husband left her for someone else it was only a couple of months before she was living with someone else

she’s put up with a lot of shit rather than being single

Some people are just less self-sufficient than others. Your ex's girlfriend obviously has her own reasons to pursue the relationship, even if it doesn't seem worth it to you, it is to her. It's really not your problem so not sure why you're so interested. His relationship, unless it affects your daughter, is nothing to do with you.

I find this really strange but I’m sure someone would look at me and find me strange. I’ve mainly been single and like my own company.

Co dependant
Some people settle for not much in life..accept little for what they tolerate.

I don’t understand it either, but we are all different.

I was one of those soldiers along the way. I couldn’t stand being single and I needed relationships. It stemmed from childhood issues and probably being quite a sensitive person.

I’m very happily married now and I don’t think I’d ever get into another relationship if this ended. I’ve become very independent and self contained in a good way since being with my husband, this relationship gave me what my childhood didn’t and allow me to grow up into an individual.

I was like this when i was first divorced many years ago. My self esteem was at rock bottom and i literally didn’t know how to function having always been in a relationship/married. I entertained awful relationships because it seemed better than being alone. I worked on myself and have now been very happily single for four years. I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than being in a relationship now. Im happier than i have been for years. I have a badly paid job and sometimes struggle to pay all the bills with one income but i still prefer that to being in a relationship or marriage. My mother constantly asks when i am going to meet a nice man and settle down again and seems truly worried/ puzzled when told that it will probably never happen because i don’t want it to.

@Endofyearir is my problem because her neediness means my ex will disregard plans for childcare to appease her neediness because she ‘has’ to see him. Now I have to deal with a needy girlfriend I never wanted and so does my daughter!

@rememberingthemthanks for explaining. It certainly feels like this for both of them and many serial daters I know.

im so glad you found your happiness and probably will find a really healthy relationship now (if you want it) funny you talk of finances - sharing the s is the only thing that makes a relationship sound appealing at tje moment. Then I realise the implications of that and realise being broke and single is much better!

@OneKhakiTurtleaww so happy for you and sounds like you met a great partner as you came from a place of knowing yourself and knowing what you wanted. Great to hear a good news story

@WhatTheHellsGoingOnTHIS!!! Men will certainly settle if it involves sex! And I do think sadly many women are so scared to be alone they’ll settle for anything

@rwalkeryep we all have that friend. Mine hasn’t been single since she was 1/ no joke of a lie

I think it’s different if you’ve got kids, as you do. I’m a single parent with a young daughter and have been single for years too. I’d get into another relationship with someone again if I felt really strongly about them, and if they were understanding about my daughter being my priority, but I wouldn’t settle for any less and I’m also not trying very hard to find someone. If it falls into my lap then great but I’m not bothered if it doesn’t. But I know that’s largely because my daughter is the number 1 person in my life, we’re very close and she provides me with company too (of course that doesn’t mean I treat her like a surrogate partner) but it does mean I’m not lonely. If I didn’t have kids (or they were much older) I think I’d be a lot lonelier and craving that close relationship with someone, that might make me a bit more ‘desperate’ for a relationship. Also it’s easy to judge another person for being desperate but you’re not in their shoes and you don’t know how they feel about the person. This woman could have fallen madly in love with your ex, in which case she’s going to do whatever she can to be with him

Some people see being single as some kind of failure and it is better to be in a relationship, any relationship, then be a sad singleton. I was similar in my 20s until a particularly shitty relationship made me have a think about life and I decided to work on my self esteem and confidence to the point where I actually started to enjoy my single life. I eventually did get married but my motivations for that were far removed from 'not being single'.

Does it really take that much imagination to think of reasons why some people struggle to live alone? Not a problem for you clearly, and well done I guess, but different people... feel differently.

I’ve been happily single for years so I can’t really relate but I do get that some people prefer being in a relationship. However I find it really sad when people just cannot be on their own.

My friend’s husband died last year and she was trying out the apps 3 months after. After maybe 8 months, she went on the apps and found two FWBs that she honestly was spending 5 nights out of 7 with. Caught feelings for one and now they’re exclusive. It’s not even been a year since her husband died. Her relationship with her husband was equally as fast an intense, she just can’t be on her own and also sex is a big part of it!

That’s not on her. You’re blaming the wrong person. Just tell your ex that he needs to abide by the agreed plan.

@Foraor it is on both of them. As both are adults way into their forties, she needs to acknowledge and accept that he has a set routine and needs to make plans around that and he needs to realise his main priority is his daughter. As I said not sure what a woman with grown up kids wants to date a person with a younger child. Goes back to the neediness - I’ll settle for this even if it doesn’t serve me. But as I said I’m so independent I can’t imagine settling for something that doesn’t fit my life.

@TheBlueLadyWow! People will do anything to avoid feeling the feelings and deal with what they’re going through!

No problem with wanting to be in a relationship, but if that goal comes at the expense of ignoring red flags and settling for unsuitable partners just so you are not single is not healthy.

@SamClamsDiscomumsnet would be a really boring place if nobody asked any questions that needed imagination to answer them. Obviously hit a nerve!