To break up due to finances?

[MM1972]

To consider breaking up with partner over finances? My partner has 3X my current earnings. They never have any money and are constantly 'borrowing' from me to fix their car. I never get the money back.

The 'family' car they bought was something I felt was unnecessary. We had a reliable car of similar mileage and age which we had always had maintained at the main dealer. The 'new' car has been a disaster.

The main reason they have no money is due to them taking out numerous payday type loans.

They have already paid way more than they borrowed. I think they should go for bankruptcy and start again. They refuse this suggestion point blank.

The car is currently broken down and I will not contribute any more money to it. The MOT is up in August and it has no chance of passing. They still owe money on it.

Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house. The rent is £700 a month. The location of the rental property entails an hour commute each way to my work. They want to rent to be close to their daughter who has her own house and partner.

No. All that money had to go to my ex per court agreement. I might as well have been asked for 250k. I didn't have 25k.

It's as much that the car was not necessary at the time. We (meaning I) had spent a fortune maintaining the old car which had a main dealer history. It was reliable. I pleaded that would should keep that car and maintain the relationship with that garage.

If we needed a car and bought something together that turned out bad. That's another story.

There is an element of burying their head in the sand and not facing up to things,

You're doing exactly that too.

Filing for bankruptcy seems like a wild solution when the root causes (craft gin club membership (wtf!), multiple tat deliveries per week and multiple subscriptions etc are still happening.

I have been availing of the craft gin so it does get used. However I have never ordered gin in a bar nor thought to buy it in an off licence. I am drinking it because its there i don't really enjoy it. I feel bad after drinking it which is another thing.

We were receiving mail order meat pies for a while. I still think that was utterly bonkers but was just another subscription on top of the craft gin club, and graze boxes. Some other sauces have recently started arriving in flat pack cardboard boxes. I never touched the pies as they looked vile.

Are you missing their point on purpose? As you keep doing it. It’s as though you’re incapable of engaging with what’s said to you.

I'd be gone.

OP, you are not answering the wider questions about your relationship, your children and your feelings about your partner. You almost seem embattled and embittered and are only engaging on the points which enable you to maintain or underline your narrative. You would get a lot more useful and pertinent advice if you were more fully open and answer the questions being repeatedly posted by PPs. What was your DPs response to your inability to fuel the car?

My marriage broke up after 20 years and 4DC due to financial incompatibility and him running up hidden debts which we are still paying off. He never offered me an explanation. There was nothing to show for it. Tens of thousands of pounds.

I could not trust him anymore, as there was no change nor attempt to repair when I bailed him out the last time.

therefore, I cannot grow old with him.

it has broken our children’s hearts and he is still living in my basement currently but that’s how it is.

I have no sympathy for him, because he had it all and threw it away.

(as a side note, once I ended our marriage, he talked to the doctor who felt he had ADHD. This and autism has since been diagnosed, and he is now on medication which helps him in his daily organisation somewhat.)

I don't believe there can be a successful relationship if both people have widely differing ideas about finances.
It always seems to end up as one person who lives within their means and attempts to improve their life by having savings or investments supplementing a spendthrifts lifestyle.

They will not change, and when you finally realise how much you have lost to their overspending you will leave.
Not just the money you end up spending because of them, but the savings or investments you don't have, the holidays you couldn't budget for, the things you wanted you couldn't have, the social life you can't afford, the training you wanted to take to improve or pivot your business and everything else.

Just wait until your pension is expected to cover their spending shortfall and they are still signing up for endless subscriptions etc..

Save yourself a small fortune and break up now.

Next time you are looking for a partner, make sure you have similar attitudes to money.
You will have a much happier relationship.

I've noticed this. The op keeps evading the real issue. She has no desire to address anything.

@MM1972 you are just as financially irresponsible as your partner in keeping your children in this impoverished state where you don't have a tenner for petrol. I am disgusted that your children are growing up like this when there is absolutely no need whatsoever. You are just as complicit in this.

I would with hope bankruptcy and somewhat of a fresh start that the spending will end.

When someone believes they have a right to spend 100s a month on TV packages whilst not being able to pay debts or fix their car that is an issue. I won't be paying anything for the car. I am currently staying in my own house and committing to cycling in to work until the kids finish school in a few weeks.

Our kids watch YouTube and TikTok. The TV is essentially for one person but they claim it's for everyone.

Only I knew that I could not fuel the car. Business sometimes gets quiet and bills still get taken out.

My partner was the love of my life at Uni. But let's say I dropped the ball then and had to wait 14 years for another chance.

The spending is an issue and has been since the kids came along. It was always worst at Christmas. I had several miserable Christmases opening the lowest quality utter shite that was bought on Amazon. They bought it all and then asked me for half the money. I now buy presents myself from actual shops in our town. I also dislike buying from Amazon as it kills businesses like my own.

Not being aligned financially is game over for a relationship.

If you're not married and don't have kids together then what's the point.

We have three children.

Oh right, I didn't get that from the OP.

In a dream world:

1. Move back into your own home
2. Change the bank details from his employer so his pay goes into a joint account
3. Move all the money from the joint account into your personal account
4. Send him £50 a day via standing order for him to spend. That's roughly £1500pcm, but he can't blow through it.

It's time to have a proper talk OP but before you do find out exactly what your portion to the family finances should be. The obvious ones are proportional share of rent, council tax, water, gas, electricity, food. TV licence if you or the children watch it, and anything the children need such as clothes etc.

Then stop paying anything towards non joint things and/or take your name off any subscriptions. If you wouldn't normally drink gin why are you having a gin subscription? Cancel it or your partner pays but stop drinking it as it gives the illusion you want it. You must tell your partner the date you will be stopping and I would suggest a calendar month as that will give them chance to cancel things first.

I was unable to change it or I would have done so

You'll be smoking the finest Cuban cigars next, just to get your money's-worth!! 💐

You have 3 kids and they need to be your priority. You havent answered questions about where their school is or if your partner would go to debt counselling.

Where do you see the 3 children living, is there space for them in your home if bankruptcy meant your partner couldnt keep a rental property?

Send £50 a day? More generous than I would be.

Honestly I think that if the partner will not admit the problem with the overspending I don’t see how the relationship comes back from this in financial terms.

You could be together with completely separate finances but the bottom line is the compulsive spending not the money.