To break up due to finances?

[MM1972]

To consider breaking up with partner over finances? My partner has 3X my current earnings. They never have any money and are constantly 'borrowing' from me to fix their car. I never get the money back.

The 'family' car they bought was something I felt was unnecessary. We had a reliable car of similar mileage and age which we had always had maintained at the main dealer. The 'new' car has been a disaster.

The main reason they have no money is due to them taking out numerous payday type loans.

They have already paid way more than they borrowed. I think they should go for bankruptcy and start again. They refuse this suggestion point blank.

The car is currently broken down and I will not contribute any more money to it. The MOT is up in August and it has no chance of passing. They still owe money on it.

Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house. The rent is £700 a month. The location of the rental property entails an hour commute each way to my work. They want to rent to be close to their daughter who has her own house and partner.

This whole set up is mad. Bin her off and go back to your own house.

This situation would be causing me endless amounts of resentment and irritation; it sounds like they have fundamentally different attitudes to money than you do. Long term, that will only get worse and aggravate any other issues in the relationship.

So you either sit down with them and have a very honest conversation and agree some changes to how they behave around money or you leave without even doing that. If you have not kids with them or property together, I would just leave.

I didn’t think pay day loans existed any more. It seems unlikely this person is a viable life partner the way they currently are, if you’re not too emotionally invested, I’d absolutely call it quits over this easily.

I have an ex who is an ex precisely because he was so bad with money. He earned very little, sometimes didn't have a job at all, but took out credit cards so that he could go the the pub and the rugby club and splash cash he didn't have. I was working 2 jobs and struggling to pay all the bills, even buying all the birthday and Christmas presents for his family and myself! While went out and got pissed and lied about where the money came from to do that.

I got rid of him. Just as well, because I had several visits from debt collectors after he left.

I think finances are a good reason to break up tbh - better than most. Financial irresponsibility kills peace. Tbh it sounds as if you despise them now.

“Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house” why is this?

“a lot of money is spent on TV packages. I have suggested cancelling that. I have been over ruled”
I’m afraid in this situation they don’t get to overrule you as you’re the one funding this lifestyle. Put your foot down ffs and refuse to continue this way or it will mean the end of the relationship.

Your partner is not long term boyfriend /girlfriend material. Hope writing this down makes you realise. You have tried but they don't want to change.

Leave they asap. What a mess!

I think breaking up would be wise. Not just about the money - it seems like all major decisions are made by your partner with no thought for you. It seems crazy to rent when you own (unless costs of renting are much lower than the rent you receive from your house and you're saving money). It seems crazy to live somewhere with a big commute to work, for the sake of an adult daughter. His financial troubles impact you but your suggestions aren't listened to and he warns you off by telling you about his past 'controlling' partners. From what you said it doesn't sound like he puts you first in any way

If your partner is otherwise a loving, caring, supporting person who you enjoy being with - then next time they ask for money, say 'no', but you're willing to work out how to cut down on spending with them. Part of that is going back to your own property as and when it's available, but with the proviso you/they will set time aside for travelling/meeting up with adult daughter (who is old enough to travel if she wants to keep in touch). You need to make them realise how unhappy/concerned/frustrated they are making you feel, and if they can't do that then, yes, maybe it's time to get out when you can.

And what are your partner's good points? You can end a relationship for any reason, you don't seem compatible.

You are clearly not compatible over money, or communications.

Money was obviously a problem for him with at least one ex from what you've said, so it's nothing new, but he doesn't appear to have learnt from past financial mistakes.

Payday loans are the worst, and most people only use them if they have no other options.
He appears to use them to finance the purchase of crap from Amazon several times a week, so it sounds as if he has a shopping addiction.

I would end the relationship and move back to your own home as soon as you can.

Make sure all extras and subscriptions are in their name.
Stop giving them money.
Pay for your share only.
Preferably move back home and end the relationship.

You are only necessary as someone to fund their lifestyle, it's not you it's your wallet/purse.

Financial incompetence is deeply unattractive. Especially when it's your finances that take the hit as a result of it. It can also be life-ruining.

I'd be making other plans if I were you...

I don’t think you can have a relationship with someone you refer to as ‘they’.

Get out now, and enjoy YOUR money yourself. Cut all contact.

This is mad.

You pay to rent, despite havjng your own house (is it rented out? Or sitting empty ready for you to run to?)

You commute 10 hours a week over 5 days to save him* making the journey to see his Dd what, once a week?

He earns 3X as much as you yet taps you for money which he just wastes

He has an attitude that accepts or expects all this from you without a second thought

It sounds as if he values his useless car more than he values you. And tends to it more.

A relationship should make you feel special. Like you have a rock, a team mate, that you are cherished as a partner making your way towards shared goals with shared fun and challenges on the way.

Do you feel like that?

= him/ she/they throughout

Then leave! What is keeping you there?

@Tabarnak They're a they so could be a woman.

I don’t honestly think the advice would be any different either sex. Even on MN no-one is going support their behaviour just because they’re a woman.

Either you're trying some kind of gender swapped anti stereotype thing which is patronising and annoying, or your partner has a non binary gender identity which says a lot about their self-absorption and is relevant to advice given.

Before we got married, my DH and I had pre-marriage counselling and one of the things that was drilled down into was our attitude to money. The message being that if you don't align it will be a massive source of attrition in the relationship. 20-odd years down the line I can absolutely see that this would be the case. DH and I don't agree on absolutely everything - of course we don't - but we are both very cautious and prudent about money. If someone who is prudent is with someone who isn't, I just don't see how the relationship could survive long-term unless the prudent person was fucking miserable and taken for a ride while the spender runs up debts and makes bad choices. I would split OP. You can't live like this.

If they haven’t figured out their finances by the time they have an adult child then they probably never will so this will be your life forever unless you leave. It also makes no sense to me to be living an hour away from work and pay rent to live closer to the daughter when surely you need to travel to work more often than they go to see their daughter?

I don’t know why posters are secretive about what sex/gender partners are. All this they - my partner - we

really no need !

just say. It wouldn’t make a diff to my reply

you would be mad to stay with partner. Renting a house while have own one is insane let alone having to travel an hour to get to work just so they can be near their family

I’m assuming you pay a fair share of bills /rent

they will never be good with money. Sounds like my ex. As soon as has money spends it. Can’t save £50 knowing needs it 2w later for something

countless debts

so leave - they won’t change

def don’t marry. Get out now.

I think their definition of their ex being financially controlling probably just means ex did not like their cavalier spending habits.

You're not financially compatible OP so either split or live separately and disentangle your finances.