To break up due to finances?

[MM1972]

To consider breaking up with partner over finances? My partner has 3X my current earnings. They never have any money and are constantly 'borrowing' from me to fix their car. I never get the money back.

The 'family' car they bought was something I felt was unnecessary. We had a reliable car of similar mileage and age which we had always had maintained at the main dealer. The 'new' car has been a disaster.

The main reason they have no money is due to them taking out numerous payday type loans.

They have already paid way more than they borrowed. I think they should go for bankruptcy and start again. They refuse this suggestion point blank.

The car is currently broken down and I will not contribute any more money to it. The MOT is up in August and it has no chance of passing. They still owe money on it.

Currently we live in rented accommodation even though I have my own house. The rent is £700 a month. The location of the rental property entails an hour commute each way to my work. They want to rent to be close to their daughter who has her own house and partner.

" I don't want to fail again."
With respect, that's a crap reason for keeping yourself and your children in this situation. Extracting yourself and them from living on the breadline I would call success, not failure.

Your partner is not just crap with money, he's stupidly crap with money, and that's not going to change. You know that.

You say you have your own house, is it rented out? How soon would you be able to move out and into your own place? I would definitely start the ball rolling and aim to be out ASAP. Talk to the landlord where you rent and get yourself off the tenancy. If the landlord chooses to end the tenancy completely (I'd imagine you are the one who ensures the rent is paid, no?) then so be it.

Your partner is not willing to be in a partnership with you, he only wants to do his own thing and soak you to pay for it. Get out and stay out.

Why the hell did you have THREE children with someone who’s so irresponsible and childish? I will never understand how people continue down these paths with these kind of people and then one day seemed shocked about their behaviour.

Failing would be staying.

Indeed. The whole situation is quite ridiculous - particularly since it has clearly gone on for years.

@MM1972 - you need to pull up the draw bridge and save yourself. Otherwise you risk being in real, abject poverty in your retirement. (What pension provision do you have, if any?)

The only way you'd fail is if you continue as you are, lending money knowing you're never getting any back. Knowingly letting it break you.
That's no small amounts and your DP sees you as an easy target, they slap you down at suggestions of cutting back because they know you'll bail them out, and you are.
They have absolutely no respect for you and see you as their personal money giver.

Move back to your own place, this will never end.

Your partner probably has a drug and gambling problem you don’t know about.

I do agree with you but it’s not black and white.

OP is literally ending a relationship to a person they love, who is likely good in every other way.

They’re also leaving someone with an addiction to spending money and with that comes the worry of how they’ll cope on their own.

And then what happens to the kids - does OP take them away from their mum or keep them there and risk them not having enough money for things.

OP needs to leave asap but I can definitely see why they are finding it difficult.

Let's hope not!

Your partner sounds very stuck on their choices. The best chance you have of salvaging yourself, your children or them, is to tell them you have to leave because you cannot tolerate their unreasonable behaviour - not just spending but refusing to take control of it, and showing you no consideration when you make suggestions. Then leave.

Whatever choice you make the next bit will be incredibly difficult. But if you leave you will at least be in charge of your own choices and unaffected by theirs.

Same here.

I’m guessing you’re an older man (late 50s?) and she’s a younger woman (early-mid 40s if she has an adult daughter and youngish children). This is your second family and your current partner (please tell me you’re not married) has financial diarrhoea. Leave and don’t look back.

Why on earth are you so passive?

Your children are not being well parented.

Get rid of the dead weight and be a better parent ffs!

The only failure here is in staying with such a useless waste of space.

You don't need a 'reason' to break up OP. The fact that you are obviously unhappy is enough. By the way, the debt you know about won't be the whole story. Guaranteed there's debt they haven't told you about. Personally, I would not be in this relationship. Far too stressful.

They have big problems if they aren’t able to manage that amount of money. Lifestyle creep is a thing, but when I (temporarily) had that in the past, I started spending less when I had less. Has your partner seen a therapist? Either your partner is greedy or has something going on that makes them spend so much.

If your partner is earning 3x as much as you, I do not understand how they are able to get stuck with loans. Ask your partner to sort it out by seeking therapy or leave if they do not listen. Not many excuses for this type of spending.

The ducklings hatched long ago.
Get them in a row.
LTB

I agree that the only failure here is staying with such a useless waste of space but I think your other comments are a bit harsh.

Children typically stay with the mother and so if OP leaves then he’s going to have to fight it out in court (costing a fortune) and remove the kids from the family home etc

Or he just leaves by himself and then they’re still being parented by the crap parent and will maybe only get to see the DCs EOW and worry about what debt they’re getting into at home.

Think an IVA may work for her.

Yep, toss him, he's never going to change and always going to cause you stress. Go back to your house. End of.

OP to be blunt.. You won't be failing by leaving. You are failing now as your DC are having a reduced standard of living due to DP financial recklessness.

By the sounds of things he is just irresponsible, how much inheritance did he blaze through and is there anything to show for it?

He is ruining your financial security.

I mean this gently, but it's only failing if you think your current situation is winning.

From the sounds of it escaping this would be more of a win than staying in it. Relationships can end without it being a failure.

I only asked if you're married as you mentioned owning a house - definitely makes things more tricky if you are married.

you can click on the other option to change your vote (on my mobile samsung)

The first I knew about the debts was being asked for 25k to help pay 'some' debts.

At this time I had sold a portion of my business to pay my divorce settlement. I had a relatively large amount of money but it was obviously earmarked for my ex. I even had to default on a credit card bill to squeeze over the line. I paid to clear that default which is almost 6 years ago. In 2 or 3 months my own credit rating will be 'excellent' again. There is an element of burying their head in the sand and not facing up to things,

There was not a massive inheritance. It could have been used to reduce debts. It was spent. There is literally nothing of quality that was purchased.

sesquipedalian
OP, what on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

I actually hate this question on mn given you’ve given a little snippet of your life- people are in relationships with people who they find have similar opinions, personality traits, who give them comfort, fun, who they like being around.

Saying that op when my sil bought a car that caused her and my db nothing but heartache and cost them tons they laughed about it, he didn’t bitch about her, he said we’ll know for next time and buy a different brand/ from a different dealer etc. I think you should break up not because he’s not good with finances, but because you’re both just too different or maybe because he’s laid the straw that broke the camels back or whatever.

Someone being bad with money, making stupid decisions doesn’t always have to mean ltb (from someone on mw who would be well dumped by now if dh went on mn’s recommendations 😂😂😂)

And you just handed over the 25k? Good God