To be annoyed about DP saying my brother has ruined our holiday?

[Lisatron]

I'm currently away in Spain with DP, DD4, DS1 and my brother (22), I'm quite close to my brother and he comes over often when we're at home.

In the past he has struggled mentally, he's also T1 diabetic and while as a teen he ate alot of sugary things and didn't do his insulin and as a result he was very unwell. He's also got a habit of drinking too much which he can't do and he was once left by his ‘ friends’ when he had q hypo so I do worry about him lot, even though it's well managed he can make silly decisions especially when struggling.

Our mum mentioned to me before we left that he had been acting off again but he was saying he was “fine”, I hadn't noticed anything but I obviously kept it in mind.

We got here Saturday and it was already off to a bad start due to our flight being delayed, yesterday was good until last night when brother disappeared without saying where he was going. It turns out he was in a bar drinking on his own.

Long story short, he had a hypo and was argumentative when I was trying to help him, DP had our children with him and I was with my brother, he was eventually fine but I stayed with him in his room to keep an eye on him. He's spent the day in his room sleeping off his hangover

Dp wasn't pleased about me staying in his hotel room as the baby kept waking and he said “so much for a relaxing holidays” (as if we could get one with kids anyway) and was annoyed that he hasn't joined us so far after we paid for the holiday and has said it's like having another kid but instead we have a manchild acting like a moody teenager so tonight we've argued because he's annoyed that I'm obviously worried about my brother
he's now stormed out too after saying he's ruined the holiday

AIBU here or is he?

To be fair OP you've asked for opinions on a site where most won't understand the complexities of a young adult living with a chronic illness like Type 1 diabetes.
You sound like a fantastic sister trying to help your brother out and you are doing the right thing being there for him and definitely staying with him when he had drank too much. Type 1 is relentless- 24/7 and it sounds like your brother is burnt out and is making poor decisions. Its well known how much the condition can impact mental heath because of how relentless it can be. Never an off button day or night.
Its a shame its affected your holiday but I have empathy for you and your brother because I have a similar issue in my family so I do have personal experience. I would say the opinions of people that have no understanding of this condition are irrelevant.
I hope your DH comes round as its support and understanding you need aswell. What's your brother diabetes team like - do they offer support and would he accept it?

Your son was a fully grown adult at 25 when he was diagnosed. Most people with T1 are children and teenagers - it makes a huge difference. Everyone is different aswell including insulin resistance and management of the condition. Its great your son is managing but its not the same story for everyone so all people with the condition shouldn't be lumped in the same boat.

I very much understand the complexities. Babying this adult like the op’s there there approach would never ever fly in any of the T1 cases in my family.

I do have understanding of T1. My adult DS has had it for 25 years, since the age of 11. I'm still saying that the OP is being unreasonable. Yes it's sad, yes it's difficult, yes it can cause depression. But at the end of the day, anyone with T1 has to take control and do what is best for them in terms of the condition. I understand that sometimes despite doing all the right things, hypos happen. For that matter hypers can happen too. But going out alone drinking to excess isn't a good move. It could result in death as most people passing by will see a drunk young man, not a drunk person having a hypo. It's his responsibility, ultimately, to behave responsibly, even if that means he can't do some things.

He did ruin it.

I'm diabetic too, and I get it. It's not fun to have to be vigilant all the time, deny myself things others can have, etc. But like all health matters, even if it's not my fault it IS my responsibility. If I go into DKA on a holiday, then what?

YABU @Lisatron. You are enabling your DB to continue his irresponsible behaviour. I am not a bit surprised your DP is annoyed .

Of course going out drinking alone isn't a good move. Yes he SHOULD behave responsibly to keep his levels in check. We both agree on those points but for whatever reason and we don't know the full picture, her brother isnt doing those things and this is where he's at. He needs understanding, support and hopefully he'll get on track. Tough love is hard to deliver when the consequences may actually be dying in his sleep.

Well its lucky no one in your family needed a different approach.

I know alot of families living with T1. Some have had no issues what so ever so far. Its takes work but they do all the right things and get on with stuff no problem. There are others that for various reasons they struggle more or they have more than one diagnosis that layers the complexities. The people that have repeated hospital admissions are the ones that were left to get on with it when they were diagnosed or when they were struggling.

My own experience is in the middle. My child has had it since she was a toddler. On the whole she manages it amazingly well. She does loads of sports, travels with friends etc but due to other stuff going on in her life she has occasional blips and yes I am there to help support her when that happens. I don't enable her, she knows the health consequences, its her body, its her life but sometimes people need some extra support and understanding. It's not even about T1 really.

OPs brother has ruined the holiday according to her DH but there's a bigger picture here and I applaud OP for being there for her brother.

And what will happen if the sister isn't there?

Even after the event he's hiding out instead of coming out and apologising to his sister and BIL though... and she's making excuses for him. He's not a bloody child. He did something wrong (he knows the health consequences) and isn't owning it.

Maybe if he got up, apologised, promised not to drink again and tried to get on with the holiday instead of wallowing and causing arguments between the people who.paid for his holiday then people would have more sympathy.

I agree he definitely could have handled it better.

I've caught up on OPs replies and it sounds like her brother manages stuff fine most of the time.

It does seem to me that her DH isn't helping much and part of his annoyance is he was left to respond to his own child in the night instead of OP doing it and has now started sulking and given her the silent treatment when there's plenty of holiday left to get things back on track. His behaviour isn't great either and Op is stuck.in the middle trying to do her best.

Her sister isn't there most of the time. From her updates it sounds like he manages ok.
in this instance she was there and was worried about him so kept an eye on things. What is wrong with that? If your relative was blind drunk or had an issue that meant they needed some help to keep them safe and you were there would you just leave them to it? Go off to bed and have a lovely sleep worry free - really??

I would give him a bloody good telling off, to be candid. If he can manage at other times, then he can manage on holiday too. BTW I do help my adult DS, but I would have no hesitation in telling him that he had to get his act together. He went to university in Japan for a year, all by himself and had to cope by himself. He was fine because he had learnt what to do, he behaved responsibly and didn't take risks. He goes on holiday by himself, despite being blind, because he doesn't want to miss out on life. Which is exactly what people do, despite having chronic illness.

Well it’s not a great start but it sounds like you still have time. Firstly, DB needs to grow up, and I agree with pp that he needs a walk up call on his behaviour. Secondly, you are goign to have to sort things out with DH, so one it right or wrong here. It’s really blurred lines. DH has over reacted, but equally, you can’t now spend the rest of the holiday prioritising DB. Clear the air all round and try and enjoy yourselves.

FFS, meant to say no one is right or wrong here.

Your brother ruined the holiday and you are enabling him @Lisatron . I don’t blame your hsuand for sulking at you, I’m surprised he hasn’t given you the silent treatment. Your brother shouldn’t tag along any further holidays .

It does seem to me that her DH isn't helping much
Why should he be helping a fully grown adult who chose to get himself in such a state? I dont understand this concept at all. Someone had to stay with the ACTUAL kids.

and part of his annoyance is he was left to respond to his own child in the night instead of OP doing it
Everyone is going to be grouchy on holidays if a baby is waking a lot. Especially if youve all gone to bed annoyed anyway and then get even more annoyed by your wife pandering to a 22 yr old who has so far been an obnoxious drunk. Nowhere did the OP indicate that her DH was useless.

and has now started sulking and given her the silent treatment
because shes spent the night with her brother who was blind drunk, and arguing even with her, and instead of giving him a kick up the arse to get up and apologise and make the most of the holiday she's just banging on about being worried about the brother. DH just wants to enjoy a family holiday and as long as the OP is siding with her incompetent adult brother, taht won't happen. I wouldn't want to talk to her either with all her excuses.

I agree with your partner and don't think he has done anything wrong by saying that your brother has ruined the holiday; it sounds as though he has so far.

No you have not been unreasonable at all!!

why is your husband complaining that HIS night was disturbed by a crying baby? Is the baby not his!?!? Does he presumably think it’s YOIR JOB to see to baby in the night??
alcohol and type 1 diabetes don’t mix, so I totally understand your concerns regarding your brother being in a bar drinking alone, I also understand why you would stay with him all night after he’d been drinking…

Few questions - Does your bro have a CGM system? If so could you invite yourself to follow him during the holiday… so that you receive the LOW alarms, also keep a key to his room on you for such an emergency.

I’m not really sure you will get reasonable responses on here as most people don’t have a clue what type 1 diabetes is let alone the risks and impact it has on the person with it!!….

My DD was diagnosed with it aged 10, she coped amazingly well the fist couple of years, but people ignorance to the disease is gets so overwhelming, at seniors she’s opted not to tell anyone, those that have found out haven’t been kind!!

I dread the days when she goes out drinking, she already knows at 15 it’s dangerous but when she hits 17, 18, 19 she will no doubt just wants to be ‘normal’ !

What people don’t realise is that type 1 means having to be aware of everything you eat, counting carbs, which most places when eating out don’t tell you, working out how much insulin to give… just one tiny drop too much can send you into a dangerous hypo, not enough and your sugars go high and your body can produce dangerous ketones…. It is RELENTLESS!!

You have my sympathy being caught between your brother and husband.

Could you sit with your brother and work out how he can keep himself dosage while on holiday so that you aren’t in this position of having to worry about him all night again?

I know that he’s an adult, but type 1 really is shot and it’s draining, isolating and I bet sometimes he wishes he could just die!
As for being difficult when LOW - this is common, very calm people completely act out when an ambulance gets to them, they’re often arrested and misunderstood as being drunk and disorderly, when in reality they simply have low blood sugars. It’s scary!

sending hugs @Lisatron

@T1Dmama as I said earlier, my DS has had it for 25 years, starting at 11 years of age. I do understand what it's like, but it still remains that the diabetic has to manage their own illness. The paediatric diabetic nurse spelt it out to him on day 1 of the illness. I couldn't follow him to school, or when he was with his mates, or went swimming. HE had to think about what he was doing and the effects. And this was before CGM and insulin pumps were readily available, which are certainly a huge benefit in managing the issues.

He sounds like a melt. I agree with your DP

Actually I think a lot of people offering advice and opinions on this thread DO have direct experience of T1.

There's nothing wrong with a T1 having a drink, or even several drinks, but they do have to have sufficient knowledge and understanding of their condition to take sensible steps alongside the alcohol. It sounds like OP's brother has been shielded by his mother and sister all his life from having to take responsibility for himself, which hasn't done him any favours. The upshot is that he doesn't have the skills or the knowledge to look after himself properly.

Lucky you having a son that coped so well with his diagnosis and condition.
not everyone is the same, OP’s brother clearly has mental health stuff going on which affects his judgement..
There are CGM’s now so the suggestion that OP could download the app so she can receive low alarms while on holiday isn’t unreasonable…. That’s what I mean by ‘follow’ not literally!! The Dexcom app is actually called FOLLOW! It allows you to see their blood glucose and get alarms.

I’ve no idea why you felt the need to belittle someone else’s experience just because your son copes so perfectly? But I hope you feel superior up on that pedestal

Oh do stop. I'm not on a pedestal. I'm merely pointing out that everyone has to take responsibility for their own health at some point in their lives. I do understand what you meant by ' follow' BTW. I didn't think for a second that you meant physically, I'm giving examples of how I couldn't be there 24/7. I note that you took particular exemption to my comments. Just for info I know it's not easy having a chronic health issue, but the brother isn't behaving responsibly, and that is my point.
Edited to add, I haven't given any info on his other health issues either which has made his life more difficult.

It’s T1, used to be called juvenile diabetes, so no one was ‘left to get on with it’ because they were babies and young children aged single digits. They were stabilised (one example was weeks in hospital) then very carefully lovingly managed. Food was weighed for a couple of years with the one closer to my age where I saw the process, we all cooked appropriately, parents checked sugars at midnight and 3am when on holiday and so out of sync. And as they grew through their teens they were supported to manage it themselves and moved overseas as independent over 18s, so there’s no parent support there because they are off living their life. There’s no option to jump on a 30 hour trip to parents because you’re entering a hypo. T1 is very dangerous and this boy needs more adult conversations about it than he’s getting. That’s the best chance of him avoiding a very bad outcome.