To be annoyed about DP saying my brother has ruined our holiday?

[Lisatron]

I'm currently away in Spain with DP, DD4, DS1 and my brother (22), I'm quite close to my brother and he comes over often when we're at home.

In the past he has struggled mentally, he's also T1 diabetic and while as a teen he ate alot of sugary things and didn't do his insulin and as a result he was very unwell. He's also got a habit of drinking too much which he can't do and he was once left by his ‘ friends’ when he had q hypo so I do worry about him lot, even though it's well managed he can make silly decisions especially when struggling.

Our mum mentioned to me before we left that he had been acting off again but he was saying he was “fine”, I hadn't noticed anything but I obviously kept it in mind.

We got here Saturday and it was already off to a bad start due to our flight being delayed, yesterday was good until last night when brother disappeared without saying where he was going. It turns out he was in a bar drinking on his own.

Long story short, he had a hypo and was argumentative when I was trying to help him, DP had our children with him and I was with my brother, he was eventually fine but I stayed with him in his room to keep an eye on him. He's spent the day in his room sleeping off his hangover

Dp wasn't pleased about me staying in his hotel room as the baby kept waking and he said “so much for a relaxing holidays” (as if we could get one with kids anyway) and was annoyed that he hasn't joined us so far after we paid for the holiday and has said it's like having another kid but instead we have a manchild acting like a moody teenager so tonight we've argued because he's annoyed that I'm obviously worried about my brother
he's now stormed out too after saying he's ruined the holiday

AIBU here or is he?

You obviously only want to hear your DP is ruining the holiday when it is your brother and you that are ruining your DP and children's holiday by both of your actions

Yabu. Your dp is not helping by sulking and he was daft thinking it was a good idea to invite your brother along to babysit. Your brother seems to like victim mode so carries out self destructive behavior to get your attention and sympathy. And it's working. If you can afford, get therapy, to really start understand your role in your brother's behaviour and what you can do to change this narrative. For this holiday, be clear to your brother, your focus is on your kids.

I'm with DH.

Diabetis is not a problem here, drinking and enabling poor choices are.

You prioritize your brother over marriage and your own family. Which is fine, if that's what you want. DH may not.

I have a younger brother who has additional needs. It can feel like my responsibility and growing up, it definitely felt like the family focus was on helping him and supporting him. So I understand how this can become normalised. But you need to step back and focus on your own family - he’s an adult now and needs to grow up and take responsibility.

Is it possible to get your brother an early flight back so you can have some time to focus on your husband and children? Your brother clearly isn’t enjoying himself if it’s a couple days in and you’ve already had some drama over a delayed flight and a drunken mess to deal with. Your two toddlers need you more.

T1 is not a condition removing someone's ability to make good or poor choices. Your brother is just an immature man-child.

Your DH was nuts to think that he was going to babysit the kids though, I think its just the realisation that your brother can't be left to babysit as he can't be trusted and never planned to do that role thats made the sulk. Going out and getting pissed removed any doubt.

Unless brother is so utterly contrite that he makes all the moves to repair the damage, I'd tell him to go home.
Lessons learnt.

Your brother needs to get away for one day for a day trip by himself whilst you reconnect as a family to reset the holiday. And both men need to grow up.

I understand that you are close to your brother, I really do, but your priority should be the family that you created - partner and children. Unfortunately, even though you asked AIBU its clear from your posts that you will defend your brother to the hilt, even though most responses agree with DP. You and your brother need to cut the apron strings - he is too dependent on you and isn't taking responsibility for himself or his condition, meanwhile you are infantalising him under the guise of 'being close'. You are both adults and you have a family to consider. Don't wait until your relationship is in the toilet to make changes.

I can’t believe you have written the post and not know that you are being very, very unreasonable. Your brother IS spoiling your holiday and you are putting the needs of your pain in the arse brother before your DH and children. If I were your DH I’d be furious. Also sounds like your mother has palmed your brother off on you to give herself a break.

Your partner is correct and you need to stop making excuses for your brother.

I feel sorry for your Husband.

“dp going off and sulking is ruining the holiday.”

OP, wake up and smell the coffee. Your DB going off and getting drunk is what has spoiled the holiday. You say, “in the past, he has struggled mentally”, he’s “got a habit of drinking too much which he can't do”, he “makes silly decisions”; your “mum mentioned to me before we left that he had been acting off again” and the first day of the holiday he goes off on a bender and has to stay in bed all day sleeping off his hangover. Your DP has quite rightly observed that “it’s like having another kid”, but in spite of all the above, you both think your DB is a suitable babysitter for your DC, so that the pair of you can have “time to yourselves”? Sorry, OP, but no matter how much your DC like their uncle, he simply doesn’t sound responsible enough to be left with your DC. And please don’t blame your partner for what is your brother’s fault.

Yeah, I'm with your husband/ partner on this one, I'd be really pissed off.

If I was your dp I’d be annoyed too.
Make plans with your dh and your db can either join you or do his own thing.

Stop blaming your husband and enabling your brother.
Your brother and you owe your husband a big apology. Your brother needs to promise not to touch a single drop of alcohol the rest of the holiday.
No idea why you needed to sit with your brother while he slept off a hangover.
Your husband and children should be your priority.

Understand why you need to stay with him, hypos while drunk are seriously dangerous but your dh is right. Your brothers acting like a naughty teenage boy.

Hypos while drunk are very dangerous to diabetics thats why she had to stay with him, theres a chance he won’t treat it and die.

I don't see the holiday as ruined
Because you aren't the one who was left holding the fort with 2 small kids.

tomorrow is only our 3rd full day but dp going off and sulking is ruining the holiday.
Nope, your DP who paid / contributed to paying toward your asshole brother going on holiday to HELP you guys and instead DP ended up being the sole carer for 2 small kids when your idiot brother gor so drunk you had to go babysit him... YOUR DP IS WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO BE PISSED OFF

The cheek of you saying on here "as if you'd get a relaxing holiday with the kids anyway"... when you weren't even minding said kids. Honestly grow up.

The fact you and your Mother think a 22 year old needs constant babysitting is also a bit weird.

You are being unreasonable. Your brother needs to grow up.

From your husbands POV his entire holiday has been ruined he wanted a built in babysitter and instead had to watch his own children while his wife looks after her brother

Im not sure what your options are OP the men in your life are determined to make your life misery your stuck between a rock and a hard place you couldn't realistically leave your brother alone last night now your getting stick from your husband and the children dropped on you solo as punishment

Moving forward I wouldn't be impressed with either of them

Your husband is right.

Your husband is probably “sulking” as you say, because you are defending your irresponsible, adult, brother instead of calling him out. You are on a family holiday and your brother CHOSE to do something he knows will make him ill. Does he simply enjoy the attention??

I would be really pissed off as well. At your brother for continuing to act like a child and you for enabling and defending him.

You need to apologise to your husband and tell your brother to grow up.

I feel sorry for your DH, I’d be pissed off too if it was me. Your brother needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling a grown man.

Sorry but you too sound a bit like a dick. You should be apologetic too your DP. If I could afford it I would book the next flight back home for your DB. That should teach him.

You are enabling your DB and he will turn into a terrible person if you don’t stop. He is not a child, he is a young man.

YABU. Why did you pay for an adults holiday?!

Her husband is bang on. He paid for the brother to go on holiday just for the brother to sulk and drink alone.