To be annoyed about DP saying my brother has ruined our holiday?

[Lisatron]

I'm currently away in Spain with DP, DD4, DS1 and my brother (22), I'm quite close to my brother and he comes over often when we're at home.

In the past he has struggled mentally, he's also T1 diabetic and while as a teen he ate alot of sugary things and didn't do his insulin and as a result he was very unwell. He's also got a habit of drinking too much which he can't do and he was once left by his ‘ friends’ when he had q hypo so I do worry about him lot, even though it's well managed he can make silly decisions especially when struggling.

Our mum mentioned to me before we left that he had been acting off again but he was saying he was “fine”, I hadn't noticed anything but I obviously kept it in mind.

We got here Saturday and it was already off to a bad start due to our flight being delayed, yesterday was good until last night when brother disappeared without saying where he was going. It turns out he was in a bar drinking on his own.

Long story short, he had a hypo and was argumentative when I was trying to help him, DP had our children with him and I was with my brother, he was eventually fine but I stayed with him in his room to keep an eye on him. He's spent the day in his room sleeping off his hangover

Dp wasn't pleased about me staying in his hotel room as the baby kept waking and he said “so much for a relaxing holidays” (as if we could get one with kids anyway) and was annoyed that he hasn't joined us so far after we paid for the holiday and has said it's like having another kid but instead we have a manchild acting like a moody teenager so tonight we've argued because he's annoyed that I'm obviously worried about my brother
he's now stormed out too after saying he's ruined the holiday

AIBU here or is he?

DP was the one that suggested we invite brother for free on the basis he babysits for us during the holiday.

That's insanity.

Your brother needs to go home. That is the consequence of his decision to go off drinking alone yesterday and end up as he is. Put him on a flight. Stop enabling him.

Then you and DH need to talk. I can understand DH's frustrations and why he feels that you babysitting your brother has ruined the holiday, although him storming off has not helped. When he realises you're sending brother home, you can get this back on track.

Your brother is 22. He should not have come once your mum flagged that he was "behaving differently". It's good that you are close but you need to use that closeness to show him that he needs to manage himself better.

You’re blind to this situation. You’ve had lots of responses and are still either ignoring them or defending your brother.

You don’t know why he drank on his own yesterday? Ask him! Tell him that you expect way more from him on a free holiday. Ask him if he thought at all about how that would worry you and the impact it would have on you all.

I think you’ve taken on your mums worries and both of you now treat him like a 10 year old.

If he hasn’t got a drinking problem, why did he drink alone, creating a problem? If his diabetes is stable, why are you and your mum so worried about him?

He needs to get help. He’s 22 and won’t have his mum and sister around all the time in the future. He ought to be thinking about girlfriends, his job, getting a place of his own, normal young adult stuff. Not stuck in childhood being mollycoddled and feeling sorry for himself. Perhaps counselling will help him come to terms with his T1 diagnosis and help him work out what he wants from life as a grown adult.

Your brother needs to go home. It was a mistake to bring a heavy drinker as a babysitter.

YABU. Your DP is right, your DB is ruining the holiday. You say you brought him along for childcare, but you can't leave the DC with him as he can't be trusted not to drink.

This has got to be a reverse, surely?!!

If not...your DP is absolutely right.

Why on earth should he have to spend his family holiday babysitting a grown adult who refuses to take responsibility for his own health condition, gets drunk and then kicks off at people? Your brother is 22, not 12. Why would you be taking him on holiday at all?

Your DP wants to spend quality time on holiday with you and his very young kids, not having to wrangle with a stroppy, irresponsible adult who kicks off like a random teenager and has to be fussed over. Jeez.

Team DP here too.
He’d probably be less annoyed if weren’t adamantly refusing that your brother is a problem and you’re treating him like a child.
He’s not getting any understanding so he’s not giving you any either.

Going against the grain here I think (I haven't read every reply though).

Yes, brother is unreasonable - but he's also 22 and 22 year olds do stupid shit sometimes, and need to learn from their mistakes. As long as you've voiced your concerns and he has regret, and it's not a frequent occurrence then it's fine.

Husband seems annoyed he had to parent his own children, while you dealt with what is essentially a medical incident - would the parenting have been equally shared if you were both there, or would you have done the bulk while he had a relaxing holiday? I'm probably projecting.

The sulking is unreasonable, I'd take the kids off and enjoy yourself and leave him to it to get over himself, but also let your brother know that his actions have consequences that extend beyond himself.

It's quite telling that you describe your brother's behaviour today as feeling sorry for himself yet your DP as sulking.
YABU.

22yo T1 diabetics doing stupid shit become stupid corpses.

Your DH messed up by allowing you to let your DB tag along knowing what he’s like.

Team DP here. Your brother IS ruining the holiday by his irresponsible drinking, which he knows will affect his T1 diabetes.

Why on earth did you bring your brother on holiday? I know you say DP suggested it for babysitting but that is questionable as a motive really, especially given your mother's warnings.

Stop pandering to your brother. Maybe consider putting him on the earliest flight home that you can get. Then you, DP and the children go and get on with the rest of your holiday.

This should be the last trip you invite your brother on. It just isn't fair on the rest of your family unit. I think maybe it is very telling that your mum didn't invite him on her holiday. Don't take him on yours.

Agree with DP, particularly for the children.
never again, I would be saying.

Your brother is definitely ruining the holiday. You should be backing your partner on this and setting some firm boundaries with your brother. It also sounds as though you may be enabling him to some extent if you genuinely don't think he has a problem with alcohol. Drinking to the point of making himself seriously ill, especially when he's drinking alone, is a significant red flag.

I can also see why your husband is so frustrated if he feels you're constantly making excuses for your brother or minimising his behaviour. From his perspective, he's having to deal with the fallout while you're reluctant to hold your brother accountable.

That said, inviting your brother on holiday primarily to help with childcare was a poor decision from the outset. Your husband shares responsibility for that choice, so while your brother's behaviour is the immediate issue, the consequences are something you and your husband need to deal with together.

Is your DH annoyed becuase he had to look after the children on his own and he's not used to it or assumes its your job?

This does not excuse your brother's behaviour but your DH reaction also seems extreme. What else is going on?

It's day three? and was it made clear he would be on babysitter duties constantly or was it framed as a free holiday and by the way if you could watch the kids for a couple of hours one night that would be great?

There is a difference between your our personal nanny this holiday and come on holiday it will be fun

I would be cross if my DH had been off dealing with a drunk diabetic rather than dealing with crying children.

Why are you even asking you clearly don’t feel your brother has ruined the holiday.
he has. He’s old enough to know better than drinking and diabetes doesn’t work, but you made excuses for his sugary food as a teen, his poor decision making in drinking too much when out and it’s everyone else’s fault but his.
you should have just gone with your brother and left your dp at home with the kids

Im struggling to see where DP paid for the entire holiday?

Tears dont lead to death a drunk diabetic can go sideways fast hell even a regular drunk person can have issues

Plus why is it such an issue he had to deal with his own kids alone? it cant have been that bad if OP can deal with it alone presumably without a lot of sleep

It is ONE night ONE ffs the drama is excruciating all DP had to say was i dont want that to happen again he isnt being invited next time and carry on with the holiday he didn't need to escalate a bad situation unless there is a drip feed an OP was tube feeding the alcohol to her diabetic brother its not her fault

Team DP here. Put the manchild on the next flight back to his mummy and start putting your DP and kids first.

Of course people with Type I diabetes can drink. What they cant do is abdicate responsibility for their condition, so they need to test regularly, ideally have some food with the alcohol, make sure they have sugar with them (as PPs have said), and avoid drinking alone as then there is no one on hand to help out in an emergency.

OP's brother sounds like he has been able to avoid managing his condition properly as his mother and sister have been doing it for him. This isn't actually doing him any favours in the long run so the sooner he is forced to face up to it, the better for everyone.

I have an adult child who has T1. I know exactly what happens if people with T1 drink too much. The answer is that the diabetic doesn't get drunk, only drinks with food and takes responsibility for their actions. That isn't happening here. As I said my child doesn't drink alcohol. That's his choice, he didn't want to get drunk, get a severe hypo and be left in the gutter because people thought ' oh he's just a drunk'. It's called managing a chronic condition with responsibility.

Has anyone on this thread ever met a 22 year old man? They're infamous for stupid stupid decisions, thinking they are immortal, massive MASSIVE risk takers, that's why they need friends and family looking out for them, not pandering to them, but definitely it's normal to worry and keep an eye. Does anyone read the news and see how many countless stupid deaths are caused by young men taking stupid risks. Not sure why everyone is being quite so annoyed with the OP for worrying about him when he has an additional problem do just being a 22 year old man!

Having said that, both the men in OP's life need to grow up a bit, take more responsibility for their actions and situations they put themselves in!

If my own brother was carrying on this way I would be very annoyed at him. And would fully agree with my husband.