AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

How is it different to people saying they don't want a second child because the first one was so hard to bring up? My parents have always said that if my sister - who they also love to bits - was the first child, there is no way there would have been a second. People are entitled to choices, they are entitled to their own experiences of life. You're making judgements based on not living in her shoes.

I don't think that's particularly bad, just honest.

I had twin girls ... we always wanted three kids and if I could have guaranteed one boy I'd have gone ahead but obv we couldn't!

Feel like this is exactly the sort of thing you should be able to share in a safe space with friends, no?

@Arlanymor I totally feel this 🤣 If my second had been the first she'd have been an only child! Love her to bits but my goodness she takes up way more than her fair share of the parental energy. Though saying that, we're now expecting number 3 and having survived #2 I feel like I could take on anything!

Why would you back off from her for this? Sorry, but I really don't get why you think what she said was so horrible.

Maybe she's one and done and using this excuse instead?

Not that anyone should question how many kids she and her partner are planning.

I am sure her reasons for not wanting another child are more complex than that and she just said that and to be fair if that is what she thinks it's her choice I wouldn't judge her for it. Also people say things but you don't know what they are really thinking. I remember talking to a friend of a friend who spoke quite passionately of wanting to stay childfree so she could focus on her marriage and her own goals, this was when she was in her 30's and already married, fast forward to today and she has two children and is very happily a mother!

That's absolutely fine.

She was speaking to a friend about her personal feelings about her own family.

I do think you should back off from her though, for her sake.

I think that’s honest, two boys would be a lot! You’re a smug mum of girls 🤷‍♀️

YABU

She can opt not to have another child for whatever reason she chooses and it’s got nothing to do with you. And I’m a mum of two boys.

I'd be very put off by this too OP. She is making massive presumptions about how different sixes behave. I have two boys and a girl. One of my boys was always very gentle and hated boisterous behaviour. The other was wild. Both raised the same. This being Mumsnet many might agree with her. But I feel if she said she doesn't want two girls cos they can be bitchy there would be very different replies.

It's obviously her choice and she is entitled to it, but you are equally entitled to react in your personal way. If that means thinking less of her then that's valid too.

If that's how she feels then she's just being honest? If she's happy with the shape of her family then what's the issue?

People openly have a 3rd or 4th because they want a girl after boys (or vice versa) - this your friend's position isn't that different? She's not saying she doesn't love her son

It's really common. And people wonder why adult men aren't engaged with their parents - often they were less wanted from birth because they were boys

I had 6 boys in a row. It was very boisterous. Maybe she means SHE couldn't cope?

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly
Well that's you. Not everyone thinks and feels like you.

I don't see what's wrong in saying you'll stop as one child because you don't want two of the same sex. At least they are not transferring their wishes into a life being.

At least she's honest. Worse is getting pregnant then crying because it's one of those awful boys when all she'd ever seamed of was a girl because she wanted that special bond and now she'd never have it blah blah blah.

People are different from each other, what a shocker.

She knows herself and her family best. I hope she realises how much you judge her and backs away from you.

I get it op. It’s no better than in Asian families (I’m from one) saying they don’t want to have any more girls. My mum said that to my sister and me once. Totally toxic and kids are so much more than boy/girl. But MN generally favours girls (see all the gender disappointment threads that are almost all “nooo a boyyyy”) so you won’t get real talk about this particular problem here.

We have two boys and she’s right - separately they’re lovely, sweet, want to help me with baking and chat to me. Together they’re loud, boisterous and play fighting constantly. It’s a totally different dynamic. We’d have had a third if we could have guaranteed a girl, but weren’t willing to risk a third boy and a likely proportionate increase in the chaos.

Obviously not all boys are like that but it’s really common.

I have all sisters. Two girls is a lot!! Said from a smug Mom of 3 boys who absolutely wind each other up just as much as me and my sister did

I think she is in some ways being quite mature and level headed - she knows what she doesn’t want, she knows she has no control over the sex or personality of the second child so has decided to stick with one.

Better than have multiple children hoping for a particular sex and then being disappointed - worse still, voicing that disappointment to others or, if you do get the preferred sex, then having a favourite child.

I don't think it's unusual tbh? My friend has 2 boys and she has said to me that she'd have another if she knew it would be a girl, but she's not going to as obviously she can't. Think it's pretty common.

Well naturally she can express her feelings as she wants to. But I would also feel uncomfortable if I heard someone saying they had a preference for one sex over another . I think all children are blessings and it's awful to generalise like this .

Isn't it the gender preference that means so many women in China can never hope to find a partner, owing to the cultural preference for boys. It's just sad to my mind.

There we go. Just my opinion.

Smug? You say that like everyone prefers girls, which isn't the case... 🤔

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and to make decisions for their own family based on that. I disagree that 2 boys would be how she pictures it would be, but I don't think she has said anything awful. I think you're really overreacting.

There's a huge difference between "too girly" and two boys knocking ten bells out of each other or running around being daft 😅

I know what she means, I have a son and a daughter. When we get together with our friends, it's all of our sons who end up being really high energy, rough housing, being loud 😅 ..... I wouldn't enjoy that daily in my house .... I'm all for boys having fun but I would not enjoy 2 boys together,