AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

Hmm.

I have one boy and am sticking with him for different reasons, but I can see her reasoning too. And I'm not girly. I have way more in common with my son than my husband (as far as an adult can with a toddler), because I love the outdoors and did lots of sport as a teen, whilst my husband did none.

But if I wanted another child and it was a boy, I'd feel outnumbered significantly by the male hormones. You don't have to think about it because you're part of the 75% in your household.

It's not about two boys, it's about 75% male household with her as an outlier. I can see that not being desirable.

I am with you OP, because I'm not comfortable with very very strong gender bias. It's something I struggle to understand and it makes me uncomfortable when people express it. As far as I'm concerned every baby is an individual and the sex should not make a difference to your decision to conceive. It doesn't sit well with me, you either want another human in your family or not.

I also think baby/young boys are deeply out of favour at the moment (particularly on MN!) and I find it really sad. I had so many negative comments when my son was born about him being a boy. I have girls too and never experienced anything similar with them.

She's told you her choice, don't know why she felt the need to justify it, but I really hope you get over your feeling of shock!!

Isn't it the gender preference that means so many women in China can never hope to find a partner, owing to the cultural preference for boys. It's just sad to my mind.

The preference of boys during China's One Child Policy actually resulted in too many men and not enough women.

Bit irresponsible having kids if you don't want certain combos.

You risked having a boy by having a baby to start with.

It's perfectly OK not to want children, or not to want more children, for any reason.

It sounds like she met my two!

They're fabulous adults now and of course I love them to bits but my god the dynamic between them was hard work when they were young. I was not the 'zen' mother I had always imagined myself to be.

What are you talking about? I have a son and a daughter and I'm perfectly happy with who I have 😅

Edited to add: Its not somthing I have to worry about, as I have a son and a daughter..... but by the time I realised I wouldn't enjoy two sons together, my children were already a boy and a girl and around 5 & 7 😅

As someone with 3 kids, one of whom is incredibly difficult and takes up so much of our time, the birth order of our children would have changed how many kids we had and our whole family dynamic. Your friends needs your love and support, not judgment.

Her comment seems quite normal. After chasing my little son around a shopping centre today and then physically having to carry him out, I think it might be a comment on how she would cope rather than a negative comment about boys. I adore my child, but after today, I think two boisterous high energy boys who may be more physical wiyh each other than girls would finish me off! And I am still 100% happy I have a boy!

I used to go to a mums’ support group for those with toddlers. The boys ran round the hall like crazy
and their mothers looked wrecked.

It's not. Research shows that on average boys are more rumbunctious than girls. Sexism only comes into it when boys are unfairly treated or judged for all that lovely rumbunctiousness, or when ALL boys are treated as the average. I think it is not unreasonable for this woman to recognise that she might not be able to cope with two high energy children, which is more likely if she has a second boy.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8507902/

It's wrong and excessive to end friendships over minor differences in opinion.

she’s quite free to choose to do that if she sees fit.

When I was pregnant I said I didn’t see the point of having another baby if it was a boy… he was a boy and is the light of my life. I was very unreasonable but sometimes we say or think unreasonable things. For me I was still in fairly deep PND (untreated)after having my first and second pregnancy was unexpected. So my whole thought processes were out of wack.

Tbh id respect this women much more than somebody that said they were going to keep trying for a girl and showed clear dismay every time she found it out was a boy. In my experience multiple bouts and then a girl, the girl is often a complete and utter tomboy with her older brothers as role models and I know several that are positively feral 😂🤷🏼‍♀️. I quite like that your friend knows exactly what she DOESN’T want.

It's a fair enough reason. She is honest about what she can cope with. People are not generic beings. They have different capacities for nearly everything.

I'm glad i had DD first and then DS. I would gave been disappointed i think with 2 boys. I also think having an older DD sets the tone a bit and my DS (and other boys i know with older sisters) do tend to be a bit calmer as a result. Just my opinion and personal thoughts.

Agree. No need to back off from someone who doesn’t want more dc.

Good on her for logically thinking her family planning through, many don't. For what it's worth I personally had the girl/boy dynamic and then boy/boy and your friend is right. The boys are LOUD and CHAOTIC and the energy is completely different from my first two. It's especially weird you're judging and you don't even have a little boy yourself?

lol as soon as I opened this thread I knew you’d have two girls! I have two boys and a girl, my boys are constantly fighting, in competiton with each other whereever we go and whatever we do, it’s exhausting. Not all boys are like this of course but if she’s saying this after 1 then her first is and she fears the above from a second, very sensible.

a fourth child of either sex would completely destroy me and my marriage. Are you more ok with me saying this because of the lack of sex I’ve attributed to it? Or is it just as bad? Would you have been ok with her just saying she couldn’t cope with the dynamic of 2 children?

My daughter was like that too.

Bit of a shame for her son! But if she knows she couldn’t handle it then fair enough. Not all boys are boisterous though, my SIL has two and they’re much quieter than our crazy trio who were always wrestling (they had such fun though) 🤣

You can’t think much of her as a friend. She’s felt safe to say something to you and you’re judging her. FWIW, I have 1 DS, he’s a handful. I would absolutely hate having a second, the first is like a whirlwind!! You have 2 girls, it’s really not the same.