AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

I think women being made to feel judged/shame for sharing their honest thoughts/feelings on motherhood (to a supposed friend) is a far more damaging gender bias issue than a woman sharing that she wouldn’t enjoy the dynamics of 2 boys!

If this is true, you are judgemental, you clearly don't respect she has a different opinion of you.
To be honest you sound far to up yourself. You need to grow up a d accept how she feels.
Do her s favour and end the friendship.

Haha she’s not wrong really, signed, mum
of 2 boys. Wouldn’t change it. I suspect 2 girls have their own tricky dynamics too, I imagine B/G is probably the calmer dynamic for most families!

I know. Like she’s a brood mare whose sole job it is is to procreate.

I only had one op, as I only wanted one. I wanted a career, to be able to habe a quality of life. From big hols to private eduction.

didnt realise my job was to pump out babies on demand. I thought as women we got to chose. We have as many babies as we wish. For whatever reason we wish.

silly me.

Same was said about me 'if you had been our first you would have been our last'. I was a tough baby, and didn't really sleep mortgage an hour at a time until well over a year, and both my parents were beyond exhausted.

My first was also very unwell, we got very little sleep and I got bad PND, and for ages we weren't going to have a 2nd, and there is a 4 year age gap between our girls due to this.

That doesn't mean I am loved any less, or I love my 2nd any less. Being a parent is tough, and who are we to judge anyone else's choices around parenting

I think she's honest and a realist

She doesn't want another baby in case she has another boy, what of it? What do people falling over themselves to demonstrate how aghast they are think should happen here- a woman to TTC a baby she doesn't want to have?!

As a mum of two boys I don’t get it. In that that hasn’t been my experience at all. Im sure some boys are more boisterous but mine aren’t - they’re two extremely different personalities, neither of which is boisterous. It’s such a stereotype to assume this is likely what you’d have. A bit like assuming two girls will play dress up and quiet crafts. Equally daft, and also at risk of boxing her children in to narrow assumptions.

I don’t think it’s worth “pulling back from” her because of this, and if she truly thinks this then she shouldn’t have any more children as it would be a shame if they weren’t wanted. But I would think less of her and consider her narrow minded and easily swayed by assumptions and stereotypes.

I only have one DS, but I think boys by their very nature tend to be more boisterous. Your DF is mistaken, though, if she thinks she will avoid the problem by not having another child - her DS will just invite his mates round, as my DS did. And to answer the question, your DF is quite within her rights to have or not have another DC for any reason she sees fit.

She's perfectly entitled not to want two boys. Or two kids generally. Not sure why it bothers you to be honest.

I have two teenage sons so they are out of the boisterous stage and fun to talk to and spend time with. It's a real joy. How strange to be so short sighted to only picture boys in their early years. They do grow up!

Same.

I have 2 boys as well and have literally no idea what you mean by this! Having another child is surely what changes the dynamic, I can’t see how having a boy rather than a girl makes a difference.

Only in your opinion, not in mine. I find the “changed dynamic” comment very weird tbh. And I’ve got 2 boys as well

I have two boys and wouldn’t take offence to this, it’s somewhat true 🤣 she’s talking about a hypothetical child, not one that exists so I don’t think it’s bad at all.

Please do back away from her, OP. So that she can go and find herself a decent friend.

I don’t know about the changed dynamic from the pre existing perse, but I’d say GG, BB, BG probably all have quite different dynamics with some commonality for many units.

I remember being so excited to find out the sex of my youngest so I could ‘see’ what my family was going to look like, I knew it would likely feel and be different to be a boy mum vs if I’d had one of each. I knew I was only going to have 2 so it was like the last piece of the puzzle finding out what we were having. I know, I know every child is individual.

But I can kind of understand people having preconceived ideas of dynamics and it impacting their decisions. I’d much rather read about that than a mum disappointed by the sex as if she hadn’t even considered the sex she didn’t want was a possibility.

Nah, I have three boys and love my boys, they are perfect and I don’t wish any of them were a girl but it’s a lot of testosterone in one house. A lot of smell. Just a lot of noise.

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

This is what she should say should you go ahead and be so ridiculous. It is her opinion about HER life!

You seem like someone who takes offense and judges very easily.

We also said if DD2 (who I love just as much as my other children) had been born first she'd have been an only child. 12 years after DD2 was born we had another one though so maybe she wouldn't have been
Anyway it's not an awful thing to say. It's not as if she's had a second child and then said she is unhappy. She doesn't want two boys and I know mum's with two boys who struggle so I don't blame her.. You don't have two boys so you don't know if you'd struggle or not.

It’s not like she’s talking about an existing child.
She is generalising but being responsible by acknowledging that she may not cope with two.

I love your friends honesty.
I didn't have a third as I knew it would be a girl and I didn't want three girls. If I could have guaranteed a boy I would have had another.

Better than having an unwanted child though. You don't know every thought. This is a throw away comment and there will be something deeper.

People can be very romantic about having babies. I sat on the fence for a while before deciding no more, giving superficial reasons to people who asked. I was told "people never regret the children they have, only the ones they don't have". Which if you've been raised by an abusive parent, you'll know is rubbish.

Truth is, for a myriad of reasons I've never fully articulated to anyone bar my husband, we just wouldn't cope with more. Cut her some slack and stop judging her. You've no idea what is really going on.

I think it’s based on sexist stereotypes so I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be shocked. I probably wouldn’t end a friendship over it, though I might gently (without falling out) offer a different viewpoint periodically.

If I had had 2 girls I would never have had a third child. I knew I didn’t want to deal with the dynamics of an all girl house. The prospect of 3 boys wouldn’t have bothered me. I have 2 boys and a girl and am eternally grateful I only have 1 girl