AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

Surely if OP was smug she'd be saying "I don't blame her. So glad I had girls." Rather than being horrified

I think it's good for anyone to know there limits, but also a shame to have such gendered attitudes. The world doesn't need any more slightly unwanted children in it so I give her a lot of credit for knowing she was at capacity.

Yes, exactly. I mean, the OP may not find her views palatable, but at least she’s not doing some kind of conception lottery in the hope that the resulting child comes out the ‘right’ sex.

Two of my otherwise nice, sane SILs ‘kept trying for their girls’ (I’m quoting) through multiple boys, including, in one case, after being told that another pregnancy would be very dangerous. The results weren’t good for anyone, including the two eventual girls, now adults.

I think she’s being honest and as a parent of two boys, I agree it changes the whole dynamics of a household. If she knows that’s not the dynamic she wants then good for her recognising that and stopping at 1!

I had 2 boys. If I could have guaranteed a girl I would have had a third. However I suspected I would have a line of boys. All of whom I would have loved if they were there but I made the choice not to. I also would say that if my 2nd son had been the first I would not have had another child he was exhausting!

I love both my sons dearly and I would willingly die for them but I suspect that you would think that I am a dreadful mother

not that I would care for an instant what you thought

Could be worse. I remember once talking to someone who had a boy first, followed by boy and girl twins. She said quite seriously than no. 2 son was lucky he was a twin with a girl, if he had been on his own he would have been aborted.

Better to not have a child if you feel this way, I don't see the problem.

Our friends have 2 boys very hectic! She is entitled to her opinion .If she only wants 1 child thats up to her surely ?

You sound unbelievably judgy and I hope she backs away from you.

You've been through pregnancy and motherhood and so are well aware of all the judgment and “not good enoughs” people level at you and you fear of yourself, and yet…

You have no idea of her circumstances or deeper feelings.

We wanted three kids and didn't care what combination of girl boy we got.

However we were unusal in that - and having got a boy and girl with first two had many horrible comments about us daring to think about having a third - as if only reason for a third was to try for a sex you didn't have yet. Which does explain why people we knew with three all same sex got such unwanted sympathy comments.

She doesn't want two boys - she must have some fear about how they interact possible based on her own experiences. Personally age gaps and personality play a huge role in that as well but equally bit of out full parental control. If she could be sure of a girl she'd have another - as she can't be sure of that she won't - not sure it's terrible at all more personal preference.

I also don’t really see the issue with this.

Plus it’s far more sensible than the women who have a strong preference for one sex over the other and are then devastated when the 50/50 chance doesn’t go the way they wanted.

I don’t see the problem, it’s much better than having another child if she only wants a girl.

It's a bit much to say that after one child but then my DM thought I was mad for having more than one (I was an only child).

I did used to joke that maybe we could only have girls and if we'd have continued it would have been like the Bennets in P&P. But honestly we would have been badly off if we'd have had more than two DC of whatever sex.

She believes she wouldn't cope with two boys, so she is not getting a second child. And she told it to her supposed friends

What exactly is so wrong about it?

Don't be so fecking ridiculous. She doesn't need to keep having children she doesn't want.

For real? Yes you should stop being this woman’s friend. She’ll be loads better off 🙄

YABU
Your friend is just being honest about how she feels and that is, she doesn’t want two boys.

What's wrong in what she said? You are being very judgemental. Most people have a wish for the gender of their child. And she hasn't anything awful or toxic. She is only highlighting the challenges she would face and would therefore not want another child. It's similar to people saying, life is too expensive or they want to build their career, and therefore are happy with one. And you are definitely over-reacting by wanting to back off. But maybe it is for the good, as she doesn't need such judgemental people around her.

I have a very boisterous boy who started walking at 9 months and is a real handful, by any standards. I am also scared of having a second just like him (although it doesn't actually put me.off entirely). And from looking around me, most (not all) toddler girls are a lot more chill than the boys. Mine climbs and runs and hurts himself 24/7, boys (not all but most at this age) do seem more physical.

And she is right, 2 boys will really egg each other on.

This!

I don’t think it’s bad. Someone can choose not to have a child for whatever reason.

I also think if she has such strong feelings against having another boy then she is doing the right thing by avoiding having one altogether, as she knows she can’t guarantee it’ll be a girl. That is far preferable and more sensible than having one and then resenting it because it was very much not what she wanted.

This was my exact thought. When women post on MN to say they’re expecting their 2nd and have found out it’s a second boy and are deeply disappointed, they generally get slated and told they shouldn’t have had a second baby if they weren’t prepared to take the 50% chance of it not being what they wanted. If that’s what this woman is doing then good for her. I’m sure she loves her son very much, but she understands that a second baby could be another boy and she knows she’d be disappointed. I admire her honesty.

I had two boys and had a very quiet house, neither were boisterous. Probably make myself unpopular here,......I was relieved I didn't have girls. I have a phobia to dolls and would not have coped with the school years when girls are often fixated on interpersonal relationships. Very rarely did either of mine report falling out with friends or want to talk about "gossip" and neither one ever had bad words to say about other people. With a girl, I would have been out of my depth and probably negligent because I could not have supported her with the right level of emotional support and intelligence.

Friends and I have this convo a lot. I say I would never want a boy I’ve always been very girl orientated even as a kid myself. I’m just drawn to girls and girl stuff more. Misogynistic, prob. However my friend with two boys said she would only think about having another child only IF it was another boy. Thot of her with a girl gives her the fear. Obviously if we were both pregnant and it was opposite of what we wanted it is what it is and pretty sure we would be fine but literally if I got to choose it would be girls all the way.
not shocking, not prejudice, just preference.

then my DM thought I was mad for having more than one (I was an only child).

My MIL was the same - she didn't really enjoy motherhood till older ages and I think was frankly right to with stand a lot of social and family pressure to have more.

It was more her complete often shared with others conviction we'd be the same and only have one and that we had our first too early in her view - over decade later than her - that threw me.

People are all different.

DS was sometime more of a whirl wind at times than girls but was also freqently more phyically affectionate but was surpsing how DD2 just completely stopped all the well it's because he a boy or she a girl talk from people as she was like both siblings but also very different and her own person.