AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

That’s parent code for ‘we don’t want anymore kids’. I don’t find it remotely surprising regardless of gender/current household.

Hats off to her for being honest about it and knowing what she can and can't handle.

I have two adult children, girl first then boy, daughter always been the easy child, my son was an absolute perfect baby and toddler but that changed when nursery started, and he was hard work until he was 18 at least. I would never have had another child after that. I don't see an issue with having a preference.

I have two boys and we agreed to stop there as the third would end up being a boy 😂 I don’t think what she’s said is shocking at all.

agree

You know they are just you know, people

im one of three girls, went to an all girls school.

still managed to bring up 3 aliens of the species boys. The strange thing is that as they are people, the 3 of them are completely different, and I have enjoyed the privilege of being their mum

She didn’t say anything wild? She’s decided she wants one child. Her body her choice. Would you feel the same if she said she wanted to try for another child because she specifically wanted a girl?

OP posts and disappears…

This is a broad generalisation lots of people had a boy who was easier . Just cos you have a daughter that was easier does not mean girls are officially easier than boys.

I have a boy, followed by a girl.

It’s been tough, really tough. If I’m honest, I just don’t like having two children. I love them as individuals, but not together and I struggle to get any pleasure from parenting them together.

I realise now I was very naive

I will admit under the cloak of relative anonymity that I did really, badly want a girl. Had I had a girl first then a boy, or two boys, I think that lingering feelings of regret would be a lot stronger or even unmanageable. I rather wish I could have been as pragmatic about things before going ahead and trying for a second!

But would you be happy with 2 daughters so a mostly female household . Cos that’s what I grew up with and it’s not all rosy in the garden I can tell you .

They aren’t, but girls are favoured and that is wrong but also true and we shouldn’t shy away from it. As such, girls’ behaviour is seen through a positive lens in early childhood.

This isn’t a normal way of thinking . Surprising considering you actually have a boy. Maybe you should get therapy ?

This is total rubbish by the way - where’s the evidence boys are less wanted?! In many cultures it’s precisely the opposite in fact!

The “idea” of girls are favoured on mumsnet cos it’s a predominantly female website yes

Who are you to tell me what’s normal? That sounds very adversarial written down and that’s not the intention: it’s ‘said’ in a curious, head tilting sort of way rather than an aggressive one. What qualifies you to make that statement?

Or (as I suspect) do you mean

I don’t think that, ergo it is ‘not normal’. Furthermore, I don’t like what you said, so I’ll tell you that you need therapy?

It is normal to want a particular sex. It doesn’t mean my son isn’t loved or cherished; I just really did want a girl.

It is normal to find juggling the needs of two children overwhelming and not hugely enjoyable, unpalatable though that may be.

And with that knowledge it might be that I would have made a different choice in retrospect.

(one of the reasons I could not access therapy, apart from the fact I think it is snake oil, is that I have no time and no money. Two little children kind of do that!)

@pushontheswings also we should “shy away” from thoughts like if my second was a boy I don’t know how I’d cope with regret of having a second child. That’s a horrible thing to think about your children and abnormal . They are human beings . Not little dolls to fit into whatever gender stereotype you are hoping to project on to them or expect from them

I’d love to see your evidence for this wildly sweeping statement 🙄

Well, no, actually. It’s estimated that 85% of people who adopt initally express a preference for a girl although in the end adoption of boy/girl is fairly evenly split. And more generally, there is a definite preference towards baby girls in current British culture. It isn’t a positive preference - it is rooted in gender stereotypes which have a negative influence on both boys and girls - but insisting it only exists on MN isn’t the case at all.

Perhaps it is horrible. Is it therefore also horrible to say you wouldn’t cope with a second boy in abstract?

I am confusing myself slightly here, but my daughter is three next month. I can honestly say barely a day has gone by since I had her when I haven’t had thoughts of regret about having two children. It isn’t personal to either one of them, it is just that I don’t enjoy parenting two children.

Would those feelings have been even stronger with a second boy? Yes, very possible. Although I do think there is a danger and perhaps I am guilty of this, of making an ideal sort of family in your head. It’s easy to think ‘if I didn’t have two / two boys / two girls / twins / an only maybe …’ But we get what we are given.

I don’t believe any of what I’ve written makes me horrible - raw and honest certainly but I am anonymous. I’d certainly never say it to my children! But one of the main reasons I regret having two is that I can’t be the mother I want to be. It isn’t for selfish reasons of wanting to indulge myself. They are ultimately the ones who miss out.

Thats all very rambly but the OPs friend is wise to think about what she wants her family to look like - and what she doesn’t want it to look like.

I disagree I think finding juggling 2 children difficult is perfectly normal . I think bringing their sex into your difficulties is not normal . And I think it’s extremely selfish having a second child in the first place if that’s how you felt . Because there was a strong chance they could be a boy . Nobody should have a child at all if they have a strong preference for the sex that will impinge on their life strongly. A slight preference is normal of course .

A lot of men have a preference for sons . Men are less likely to leave a marriage if they have sons etc etc. lots of data and statistics on the opposite direction as well. “Girls are preferred” is not a universal statement

No, you misunderstand me.

I had a second child obviously knowing it could be a boy (just as I did my first, and he was a boy!)

Logic (surely!) dictates that if I didn’t have one of them it would have to be the second, who is the girl. Which feels awful even typing actually so I am not some sort of witch.

But I wish in many ways I had been as pragmatic as the OPs friend. To be able to say - this is what I want my family to look like, and this is what I don’t want my family to look like.

Yes, my ideal family included a girl. There are all sorts of reasons for that, none of which mean a boy wouldn’t be loved and cherished, just as ds is. But over and above that, I would never actively make the choice to have two children again, knowing what I now do.

I couldn’t really care less what you think about that.

She hasn't said anything wrong at all. I have two boys, and they are boisterous and loud, and it's her perogative if she doesn't fancy that type of household. That said, personally I would rather have two boys than only one, as without company my older kid (who's very extroverted) would be driving me crazy! But I assume you think that statement is offensive to those who prefer to stick to one...

Indeed they do

but in cases where there is a choice, whether that’s adoption or sex selection through IVF (which of course is not legal here but is elsewhere) girls are favoured. Whether that’s because of women being the driving force there who knows.

Either way it doesn’t matter in this context. It is interesting that you say a ‘slight preference’ is acceptable but anything else is not, and I wonder what that actually looks like in reality. Once your child is here it is difficult to imagine them being anyone else: I’ve certainly never looked at ds and wished he was a girl! In the majority of ‘gender disappointment’ cases it only exists in the abstract. Once the child is there you wouldn’t change them,‘just as I wouldn’t change my own ds.