AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

I think it depends how she asked/asks. I don't think it's weird to ask your son and their spouse what wedding gifts they got from who in normal conversation, but if she's sending emails and texts asking for specific details then that is a bit weird and awkward. I would leave it to your dh to deal with.

It's fascinating how many people have such a chip on their shoulder and would be embarrassed about their own gift

or are so judgmental themselves, thinking MIL just want to bitch about the gifts, that they can't imagine everyone is NOT like that at all.

I would say you don’t feel comfortable sharing the monetary value of gifts without the permission of the person who gifted it. So tell her - ask your friends if they are happy for you to tell her how much they gave you. Ball is back in her court. She really would be brass necked to actually ask her friends that!!

My mum always asks about this for birthdays, Christmas etc and yes our wedding. It’s because she wants to know whether the equivalent gifts she has been giving are in the right ballpark. She’s a bit obsessive about equal gift giving - gets really stressed if someone unexpectedly gives her a card or gift for her birthday when she didn’t get one for there’s, for example. Someone gave her a tiny box of chocolates this year when they normally just exchange cards, and she fretted 🙄 She would be upset to learn that she had given £50 for a friend’s child’s wedding when I had received £100 from said friend. On the flip side she wouldn’t want to offend someone by giving way more than they gave. I think it’s silly tbh as I just think people give what they think is reasonable / can afford. But I tend to just tell her anyway as I know there’s no malice in it and it seems pretty harmless.

Maybe she also wants to thank them, I don't find it particularly weird.

Tell her you will need to speak to the friend first, to explain that she has demanded to know the details of the gift given, and get permission. This will soon shut her up!! 😆

Can’t you say “well, Daphne got us an amazing vase, Lucy got us candlesticks and I think most other people have cash. So generous of everyone.”

Done! The gift is between the giver and the recipients and either can then share what the gift was. I don’t understand the secrecy.

I ask my adult friends what they got for their birthdays etc. They don’t have to provide a full list but no one has ever not wanted to answer or been weird about it. Most people are more than happy to tell their friends what they were given. (I’m never asking in a judgemental way though. I’m just curious and excited for them if they got anything cool - my definition of “cool” at the moment would be a good lemon squeezer or gardening gloves 😂)

Also, if I gave my good friends child a present for their wedding I would probably expect their child to tell them what it was (if they liked it!). I wouldn’t say “did you know what I gave Billy and Sue?” but I’d be pleased if my friend said “Billy and Sue loved the glasses you got them! Thank you so much.”

You should give her a generic list but definitely not the amount of cash or voucher, it’s not fair on the givers to be compared after being kind enough to give you a gift they could afford.

Hugely intrusive and really over stepping bondaries. Absolutely none of her business.

Tell.her so.

It’s a bit weird and tacky but I’d let your husband decide and deal with her.

Definitely, and actually do it! Destroy the list and forget the whole thing. I kept a list too after my wedding, it was no one else’s business at all!

I would have told my parents/in laws what everyone gave us as I think when they chat to their friends/family they may ask did X&X like their gift? And it would be nice for them to be able to say oh yes they really like the gift they'll use it for dinner parties/spend the money on holiday etc. Would just be a normal conversation to me! I probably wouldn't go into how much money was given. I'd just say so and so gave us some money, so and so gave us a photo frame and champagne etc.

Yes exactly this! If I bought my friends daughter a wedding present is likely be asking in passing - oh did they like the champagne etc.

i married an Italian. Over there(at least down our way), the gift lists are kept and pored over by MILs to ensure that, when family and friends’ children marry in their turn, the same amount of cash is spent.

We had very traditional gift lists for our Italian friends and family (silver, porcelain and crystal stemware etc). The shops give you a very detailed list of who bought what, and how much they spent. We had a copy for the thank yous, and during the wedding years (thankfully now over), MIL would check the list each time an invitation arrived for one of the Italian relatives or family friends, and tell us how much we needed to spend.

We got totally stuffed by one aunt; she spent a crazy €1500 off our list, which meant when her son married we had to repay the favour! Before everyone says ‘you don’t have to do that’ …. Well, you do really, in our context. Southern Italian families set great store by tradition. If we’d repaid the 1.5k with a €300 ‘cover the plate’ gift, it would have mortified MIL.

Not saying this is why OP’ MIL wants the list, but I really don’t see any harm in it. Pick your battles, and all that.

“DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward.”

That’s fine until MIL passive aggressively snips at Mavis that she gave her son more than they gave you two, annd it all ends in a row that comes back on you for sharing that information.

As others have said, my first thought would be to ask her why she wants to know! See if she’s brave enough to tell you she‘s making comparisons and/or scoring points over friends.

Please don’t bow down to this or she’ll be manipulating you both forever. Sounds like DH already goes for the easiest option so as to not upset her, as he’s used to this routine.

No is a complete sentence. What has it got to do with her anyway?

So just married and dh is more inclined to grant his dm's request over what you want? Smashing that isn't it?
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