AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

How weird of her

Well if it was me, I wouldn’t. Just not her business, end of. No need for a big deal, unless she makes it one, but I would not be comfortable sharing this. As you say, if she wants to know she can ask them!

None of her bloody business and tell her that. Or ask dh to tell her that!?

Or send her screen shot of a load of Anne Summers stuff and say you can't remember who got what.
That should shut her up.

How tacky, no just no.

Can you say you’ve lost the list?

It's very thoughtful of you. I would feel the same, and would just keep putting her off until she forgets about it. "Don't know where I've put the list", etc. If she won't drop it, be blunt: "I'm sorry, Margaret, I want to keep that information just between DH and me."

Get your husband to liaise with her and make the decision

On one level, gift giving is an exchange of social capital. That's why she counts gifts given to her so closely. Fair enough. Wanting to know what others have given you is just cheeky and nosy. It's between you and the givers. Don't give her the list.

"Please explain why you want them? As you know, I'm going to send thank you notes, and I can't imagine what other legitimate reason you could have for wanting to know?"

Two options:

Generic answer to try and shut it down: Everyone was very generous, we’re so grateful for all we received. No need for you to worry about it as we are sending thank you cards to everyone.

DH is responsible for this issue: don’t be the default gift/card finder, giver, and doer of “wife work” and get DH to deal with it.

She’s being weird. But I wouldn’t put my foot down over it if my husband wanted to just send the list. They can deal with it between them and keep me out of it.

Just get your DH to handle it, and either keep putting her off, or just say ‘Mum, you’re being nosy. Ask your friends if you can’t resist knowing whether Brenda gave us £250 or a set of coasters!’

You (DH) just needs to tell her that it’s not really your information to share and to ask the gift giver if she feels she needs to.

I'd either politely decline and say you'd rather keep that information to yourselves or pretending to have lost the list isn't a bad idea either.

Mine did this. Wanted a run down 😂 its so she can compare what she gave her friends children compared to what they gave hers. So weird. She is a massive weirdo though who is neither kind or laid back.

This is for your DH and MIL to discuss and decide between them.

It hardly seems a big issue to me. Yes she's a bit nosey but so what. If your DH is OK with giving his mum the details she's asked for then that's upto the 2 of them.

I think it's off, but I would advise you to not let it take up any headspace and give it to your DH to deal with.

You're only just married, start as you mean to go on. This sort of shit always falls to women and I'm sure you've got more interesting things to think about

I don’t know, if these are friends of MIL’s and were only invited because of MIL, as opposed to really truly knowing and caring for the married couple, I’d just give her the list. A lot of these family and friends invitations from parents’ side are usually some sort of obligation. And the guests fully expect MIL to know what the gifts were.
Yes, rude, but some of these social interactions can be a bit weird at keeping scores.
If these are you personal close friends or family, then obviously don’t give her the details.

Ask her why she needs to know this information. She won’t have a reasonable answer.

You should send the list. My MIL is a very sweet woman with friends she loves dearly. I love this woman like a second mother. She is thoughtful and considerate of the people in her life.

When she asked for the list of what her friends gave, it was because she wanted to be sure to reciprocate with at least that amount for their children.

Her friends gave generously to us when they did not even get invited to our very small wedding of less than 30 people. The very least I could do was give her a list of what they sent so she could reciprocate.

"Oh, MIL, You really don't need to worry. I've written thank-you cards for everyone kind enough to buy us gifts that we didn't ask for or want and I'll pop to the post office with them this week."

End.

If she carries on about it, then you need to ask her directly why she needs to know?
Then wait for a "well thought-out and reasonable batshit argument" reply from her...
Then say it's been dealt with. Don't engage further.

As a 3rd party it's not really any of her business...

Imagine what she'll be like when you have a baby shower? 😨

Well, she might not publicly use the information but she is definitely going to use it in some way or why else would she want it? I wouldn't facilitate that.

If you haven't already sent your thank you cards, stall her and say you have misplaced the list. Send the cards and then say nothing. If she asks again after the cards have been sent just say you forgot she wanted it and threw it away.

The only reason I can think of her wanting that information is so that she can price up the gifts they gave and measure anything she gives to them or their children in future against what they spent. Maybe that would be fair but I feel there is something unpleasant about it.

I'd lose the list

I f she asked what Ethel gave you it would probably feel ok so perhaps the list is ok too. Feels odd to ask though.