AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

Nothing good can come of this. You and DH have sent the thank you notes and lost the list. If your guests want her to know they will tell her.

Your DH needs to deal with this not you.

I don’t think you should mention cash / value at all. She’d only start wondering and pestering you to know who was so mean / generous. How much people decided to spend on your gift is no-one else's business.

Surely the privacy of the gift giver is important here though? What if Flo was skint that week and only gave you a tenner? Would it be fair for mil to call her out on being tight?

Agree with posters saying to keep it vague and not mention the value of the cash / voucher / gift. And then 'throw' the list away

No, don’t send her the list.
Ask her: why do you need to know? It’s ok. We are happy with our presents.
and then shut the conversation. Give her the opportunity to learn and grow 😉 otherwise you will be sending her bloody lists after every occasion. Change the pattern.

She is very entitled to ask for the list.

We had a similar list as a note in our phones. It would be easy enough to say you deleted it by mistake.

When you send thank you notes surely you say: thank you for the john Lewis gift card it was so thoughtful of you, we're going to put it towards new cutlery, or something.

You don't say: thank you for giving us £75.

So just let your MIL know the generals:

Dave and Sue gave us vouchers for argos.
Aunty Brenda gave us a picture of a horse.

Why would you think you need to tell her the value of the gifts?

You seem obsessed with the monetary value. She seems more interested in the thoughtful of her friends.

Why is it a secret what people gave you as a wedding present?

Asking and sharing this info was common 50+ yrs ago.
Ultimately to gauge your future gift given limits and ideas.

Why does everyone think lying is the best option in so many MN threads?

It's far worse to lie to someone's face than it is to ask what people gave you.

When she meets Sue for coffee to chat about what a lovely wedding it was, she probably wants to be able to say: oh they loved the vase you got them. You're so thoughtful Sue.

Weird Evil Bitch.

Left to his own devices, your husband WILL give her the list, just to appease her, and stop the asking. Guard that list!!!

There’s no way I’d be sending a detailed list to her, or any list at all to be honest, she can take her weird request to her friends if she’s so determined to be rude and crass. Not that I’d say that to her of course, a straightforward ‘oh no, we won’t be sending the list, we don’t feel comfortable doing that’ from your husband will suffice. It’s absolutely none of her business, the odd woman.

eta a good alternative would be, as has been suggested already, to give vague answers. ‘Joan gave cash, Susan gave a toaster’ etc. easier to do if you’re sending an abridged version of the list, as it’ll just be for her friends.

My mum and MiL wanted to know so that they could have an idea of how much to reciprocate for / how much was reciprocated after their own children’s weddings and also just curiosity.

This

If they're friends of hers I'd assume she also wants to thank them because although the gift is to you, really the gift is because of their friendship. Maybe your MIL is rather more judgemental and that's why it makes you uncomfortable, but I wouldn't think anything of this with my Mum and know that she'd just thank them as well when she saw them in person. I would also have thought her friends would expect her to know what they'd given.

I wonder if someone hasn't been thanked and she wants to check they are on your list as having sent something?

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think y ou're being a bit precious about this. If you did have a registry, and all your gifts then turned up at your house, it would be totally normal for family to be around when you open it or around the time and to say things like "oh my word, I can't believe Great Aunt Mary bought us that gorgous vase" or whatever.

The cash is maybe slightly less clearcut although I distinctly remember taking to PIL and my parents about a few cash gifts we got, in particular one insanely generous one that I just hadn't seen coming at all and was a bit floored by from DH's aunt and uncle.

I mean, sharing with your immediate family is not like taking out an advert in a newspaper or posting the list of gifts with prices on facebook.

what a lovely and romantic way to start a marriage.

Because she already knows that the majority of the gifts are cash/vouchers, yet she still asked for details? What detail could she possibly want other than the monetary value?

You should have done more family research before getting married. I couldn’t be doing with crap like that.

I think you’re being unnecessarily obstructive, actually. MIL will want to ensure that she doesn’t insult her friends by giving their children £50 in vouchers when they have her son £250. Yes, technically the gift was from them to you - but you’re only an extension of her when it comes to them being invited to the wedding by virtue of her relationship with them. You don’t have to guard their privacy, they’re not your friends. They’re hers.

Maybe you can do a “vouchers/cash up to £100”: Bob, Jill, Sally, Fatima. “Vouchers/ cash £100-200”: Mohammad, Albert, Nancy and Harry.

My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman

Is she?

She really doesn't sound either kind or laid back?

I'd like to know as well.

Imagine hosting a diner party: oh, what a lovely vase, was that a gift?
"It's a secret, I don't want to tell you".

Bizarre

Your MIL is being extremely nosy, and it's likely to see what she gave to her friends children compared to what her son (and you) received in money/vouchers. It's absolutely none of her business who contributed or by how much, that's between you (and your husband) and the guests involved.

I would say 'James and I have been lucky, that our guests were so generous, and I'll be making sure thank you notes are sent shortly'. If she persists, I would say 'Joan, why do you want to know? Because you have no actual need to know, that I can see'.

Of course, your MIL doesn't want to ask her friends, what they contributed, because she knows it's rude to ask!! So rather than ask them directly, she's asking you to spill the beans instead!