AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

You could just tell her the truth that

in my family i was raised to be modest about gifts and to maintain confidentiality. I was taught not to brag about amounts for fear of shaming people against others. I respect your lovely family and friends and I dont want it written down anywhere that perhaps one person gave £100 and another gave £50. I hope thats ok with you but you are welcome to ask them yourself as then i wont be breaking any trust

I wouldn't. It's not her business.
Would she be so bold to approach your husband for the info, if you deny her?

My Mum and Dad did this, then they phoned every one up to thank them for the gift. On the surface a nice idea, but we had sent thank you letters to everyone so absolutely not necessary and made me feel very small. My parents have always been ‘over thankers’ and quite embarrassing. I have no doubt they also gauged against presents they had already given or would be making in future

Oh, my MIL was like this too. It’s a status thing and they like to keep tabs. I refused to play along as it was none of her business. She tried to claim it was embarrassing not to know as then she couldn’t say anything to her friends and family. But if we were thanking them personally, why the fuck did she feel she needed to. She also wanted to be there when we opened our gifts. Another hard no, but I might have facilitated her if she’d ever made an effort to build a relationship instead of being awful bitch the entire time I’ve known her.

This is very weird and crass.
Could you give her a broad list of gifts/cash/gift cards without amounts?
It would surely put her off from saying how much exactly did Polly and Percy give ?
Add that you have sent thank you notes to everyone.

Oh, sorry MIL, I’ve already written the thank you cards, and therefore binned the list.

mum sure So and So will happily tell you what they gifted us. Sorry I don’t recall the details now.

It feels like a comparison/how much it is all worth kind of digging. Not any of her business!

My extremely grasping sister-in-law was heard boasting about who had given what after the wedding. I took a dim view of her before that, but that was one of the nails in the coffin. Tacky beyond belief. It’s immensely flattering if people go to the effort to help you celebrate your nuptials, and if they give you a gift as well, you should be grateful.

Is this a cultural thing? Have you married into an Asian family where this would be the norm.

Yes, you could just be honest. 'Don't family differences show up in the funniest of places! I couldn't do that...'

I would do this too. Just send her The List... of names only.

It is not unusual to share what you were gifted for your wedding. In my day there used to be a "show of presents" where all the presents would be on display, usually in the brides mums home, with name tags of who gifted and a small buffet/drink.

As a teen I always thought it was good to see and get an idea of what types of gifts were given for wedding presents for when I starting giving gifts myself - but it felt people were less judgemental/material back then (or if they were I missed it!) and the gift were very focussed on basics for the couple setting up home - glassware/towels/ironing board etc.

It’s pretty common, but if OP and her DH feel the same way as you, they can always return them.

I agree!

Could you not just say Bill and Sue gave a cash gift, Mary kindly sent a John Lewis voucher etc no need to include the amount in £s.

No, THAT would be very rude.

I honestly dont get all the angst. They gave you a gift. Your mother in law is interested and, by your own admission is not something bitchy type. Just tell her. "Oh gosh, everyone was so generous from uncle granks' £20 to Jill's surprising £200. Your friends are so lovely."

A wedding is essentially a public event

Of course it’s not indicative controlling and intrusive behaviour! Why are you trying to be divisive? OP described her as a kind woman.

I really do feel for all these women who are MILs. They’re absolutely demonised!

Wow. If my son got married I’d absolutely want to know what he and my DIL were given! I wouldn’t think that’s odd at all! In fact when I got married to told my parents and PIL what their friends gave us because… it was nice for them to know? Although if it was a gift of money I probably just said “David gave us money” and not specified the amount.

Im struggling to see why this is odd. If my teen goes out with friends for his birthday I’d ask him what they gave him. I’m not sure at what age that would stop being interesting to me? If ever? I don’t make a note of who was generous (or not), I’m just interested!

A wedding is not a public event. That's a load of bullshit. That's why there's, you know, invitations.

It's extremely intrusive to think anyone other than the bride and groom are entitled to know what other people gave them. It's no one else's business

But the gifts are to op + dh.. Not op, dh and mil.
None of her bloody business..

She can't ask her friends how much they gave you when you got married - that's beyond weird. She's probably wanting to know whether she's giving the right amount when she gives money as a gift. I'd say something like, it varied between £25 and £100, with most of them giving £50. I don't think I'd name someone unless they'd been very generous. I certainly wouldn't name someone who gave the least amount.

That could definitely be part of it. But given her fixation on gift giving and receiving in general, and how she clearly places a lot of value on it, my guess is she also wants to compare/read into the amounts. I don't know for sure.

A wedding is not a public event but most certainly private hence the use of invitations. Not sure what your wedding was like but I didn’t have randoms rock up at mine. In fact, I’ve never seen a wedding open to the general public and I’ve been to a lot of weddings in many places and countries.

Im not trying to be divisive but basing it on the behaviour of her MIL. That is not normal behaviour and suggests she has problems bubbling below the surface. Like I say, this poor newly married lady will find this out sooner or later.

Tel her you would need to ask permission from the friends and family to share that information as it was a personal gift.

Personally I would just tell her. My mum wanted to know a couple of specific gift amounts after our wedding because she was going to the weddings of those friends' children and wanted to know the amount she was expected to give.
If you don't feel comfortable giving specific details, I'd tell her they all gave around £X amount.

Yes but a wedding is a public display of commitment so in that sense it is public

MIL is part of OP’s family now!

I still ask my adult children if they got nice presents and they volunteer the information freely.

It’s a present, not medical or other confidential information.

I’m not sure what the benefit of NOT telling her is …