AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

And what would be wrong with that?! Fgs, they’re his gifts as much as OP’s and arguably more so seeing as they came from his mother’s friends and not OP’s!! Anyone would think you want to dig at the MIL just for being a MIL 🙄

I wouldn’t tell her anything tbh. Not even the names of who gave you presents. She could make comments to/about those who didn’t and it could look like you were bitching about it.

If it’s a digital list, delete it now. Then you can truthfully tell her it’s been deleted. If it’s a physical list then eat/shred/bin it and tell her the same thing.

DH will have to accept it has gone.

I don’t find this at all weird. MIL likes to know simply so she can reciprocate when her friends’ DC have life events. Bless her, she was horrified when I mentioned in passing that one of her friends had given us a particular item for an engagement present saying “I didn’t know the gang did engagement presents”, at which point I felt obliged to tell her that two of her other friends had too! Her DS/my DH to be was one of the last to get engagement of her friends’
children and she was worried she’d committed a massive faux pas not buying gifts for their children when they’d got engaged. So of course I told her who got us what when we got married. And even now I continue to tell her about Xmas & bday presents from her relatives & friends. It would cause massive family drama in her side of the family if she stopped giving presents to the great nieces & nephews when my DC were still receiving them!

‘MIL I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to share - I wouldn’t want your friends to think I’m gossiping about their generosity.’

Maybe what the gifts which weren't money were?

Or where the vouchers are for?

Tell her that without amounts.

I didn’t have a problem with this with my MIL or my mum. I still, 32 years, later like to acknowledge that the chicken brick I just used to roast a chicken was a present from my mum’s Aunty Elsie and the vase I just put some flowers in was a gift from MIL’s best friend., etc,etc. That’s the fun of wedding gifts rather than “money for our honeymoon”. They certainly wouldn’t have been asking for that information.

Yes, having known her for many years she is both kind and (generally) laid back. I don't know exactly why the details important to her, but I'm very sure it doesn't stem from her being either unkind or uptight.

His mother, his problem. If you volunteer the info it’ll be you who gets the grief if she discusses it with others.

None of her business and I think it’s really poor manners to ask.

Nosy cow!
I'd send her a list alright but it would contain NO useful information whatsoever.
Along the lines of;
Stan and Geoff -money
Betty - money
John and Mary - Money
Jane and Fred - glasses
Tom and Sally - gift card.
No figures, no cheapo Tesco glasses or fancy Crystal ones just the basics - you get my drift.

She reminds me of my mother in law. I remember when her daughter got married after the wedding a phone call was had to discuss exactñy what everyone had given. The more people had given the more the people were praised “good respectable people” “fair play to them they gave well” and the absolute disgusting judgment of those who didnt give “well enough” 🤢 I also heard my name being completely slandered after presenting them with a beautiful personalised art work as a gift worth £100. “She got us a bloody picture, no cash, no cheque nothing, thats really bad of her mun” queue DH having to write a cheque of another £100 to them… urgh, people….

I think all this is posturing about protecting her friends privacy is really more of a way of passively asserting dominance over your MIL.

They're her friends. They've been her friends for decades. She's obviously not going to weaponise this top secret wedding present information against them.

I'm sure they don't need you gallantly protecting their privacy from their friend.

It sounds like she really values gift giving and probably wants to thank her friends herself as well or at least take some pleasure in the thought they gave you a gift. That’s different than asking to be nosey or a bitch about it. I’d let her know if it was easy enough to communicate. She sounds otherwise okay and thoughtful, even though yes, it’s a bit weird.

if it was a list of airfryers and toast racks then I wouldn't be so bothered....and it used to be the done thing to display wedding gifts with little labels saying who they were from (no I didn't) .....but somehow for me if some of the gifts are cash or gift tokens then it would be a hard no. It may be different in other countries or cultures.

A) when my DS got married I absolutely did not ask what any of my friends gave him

B) you might be seeing the beginning of an issue with boundaries with your MIL. Don't pretend to lose the list. Be kind but be explicit that this is your private information and you don't think it right to share it with her. You'll be glad you established the boundary later on I fear...

^^ This. She's trying to ensure she fits into the social norms for her group. They wouldn't have given you anything, wouldn't even know about you, if it wasn't for her and the strong bonds she has with them. Don't get in the way of that.

I'd say that it's bad manners to ask! Gifts are private unless they're something physical and then you can clearly say who gave you that, if/when it comes up in conversation.

I wouldn't want gifts because of who my mother in law is. That's weird.

I think it's ok to ask when MIL needs to give a gift to attend the wedding party of one of her friend's children.

For example, surely if one of her friends gave you £100 it's ok for her to give that back to their adult children?

Why not just let her have it. She sounds like a nice lady. Just keep her happy. It’s no big deal

Don't give her anything. That is between you, your husband, and the gifters. She's being intrusive.

I don’t think it’s fair on the guests and the amount they gave (or did not) won’t reflect their affection for the couple, as the request was for no gifts.

Ignore the request over and over and if push comes to shove, default to her son (losing the list in the process). Surely she won't ask more than twice. She might be nice but she is ill mannered if she keeps asking.

Absolutely not. She doesn't need to know, and she just wants to judge, or check up, on her friends. Simply reassure her that you will be sending a thank you card to everyone who was kind enough to give a gift.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with it at all if she wants to know

That was us 35 years ago too. Friends of my parents and parents in law were very generous and I was more than happy to share any info. In fact, in those days people used to display wedding gifts in the parlour! They also gave generously when we had our children and lately our grandchildren!

So to the OP's MIL, it's not weird at all.

Gosh, it's difficult to be a MIL these days!!