AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

@darksideofthetoon

When we got married there were a couple of old ladies at the back of the church who I didn’t know (who were then invited by my parents to the reception) 🤣

But as my name implies, there’s a lot of furriners in the family who are far more outspoken ( and dare I say it) generous of spirit.

I would probably think it odd if non family asked about presents, but not my husband’s MOTHER.

I think this difference of opinion is the issue. When it comes to gifted money I do believe the amount is 'confidential' unless the person who gave the gift wants to share. Would you really ask your adult children for exact figures if they told you they'd received money as a present?

@grapevinewinethey’d probably tell me the amount in any event without me asking

I suppose by discussing presents, you’re spreading the joy a bit

Absolutely not; gift was to you and your husband. I'm sure the giver does not expect you to share with another party and you would need to ask permission perhaps even in a personal capacity as a courtesy. MIL can ask gift giver themselves who can answer or not however they choose. GDPR exists for wedding lists where set up on an organisation eg John Lewis/Amazon etc. I'd treat it in the same way.

As far as I know, anyone can attend the church part of a wedding service. Its considered open. Isnt that way they're ad the bans back in the day?

So? Church access doesn't make them invited guests. It's not a public event and it's also not like that everywhere.

And plenty of weddings aren't in churches.

"I know you mean well and I'm really grateful for the offer, but I'd really like to send thank you notes myself"

Hopefully she'll take the hint that the only real reason she should ever need to know would be in order to thank them!

Yes but a wedding is a public display of commitment so in that sense it is public

It's in front of people who were invited to be there. That is a private event open to those invited only.

MIL is part of OP’s family now!

No, not really. She's the husband's mother and still unrelated to OP. The only connection here is through marriage.

Why should OP waste her time placating her MIL's weird interest in who gave she and her son what? She has no need to know and there's no benefit to her knowing.

Just say you didn't keep details of amounts as all gifts were appreciated large or small.

Say bob and sue gave cash
Linda and Dave gave vouchers

No need to say it was a fiver or it was £100

I know parents who want to know what their children received from friends so they know how much to give their children in return. She might be thinking along those lines.

Yes, my mum asks me how much I got from relations so she can be in the same ballpark for her 'equivalents'. I don't have any problem telling her - either it's not a massive amount of money so it 'doesn't really matter', or its a large amount and it's nice to acknowledge how generous someone was.

She also asks how much she herself gave me for various more 'landmark-y' birthdays as I have a sibling 5+ years younger and she can't remember by the time the birthday comes. Shamefully sometimes neither can I!

I wouldn't tell her the amount of gift cards or cash, it's non of her business. At the most I'd say they gave a monetary gift, for example. Especially considering you requested no gifts - this may have resulted in smaller gifts but it seems like she wants to judge them by a general standard.

Good grief. She has asked a perfectly reasonable question. She prob wants to be able to a) thank her friends, b) not feel uncomfortable when they ask if you like the vouchers etc and c) know how to reciprocate for their children

entirely reasonable request

If it’s perfectly normal to check up on what your friends have given your adult child, why hasn’t she asked her friends directly?

Because it would be bloody weird to phone and say ‘How much did you send Adam/Anne?’!

She doesn’t need to know how much. Possibly might need to know if a gift was given at all. But that’s it.

I posted earlier but something a pp just wrote made me think this is actually quite arrogant of you to withhold this information: YOU only received this gift because you got married to your DH. You could have been any old woman and those wedding guests would have sent this gift. It really wasn’t a gift to you: it was a gift to the son of your MIL and his wife. You’re holding onto the knowledge of it like Gollum as though there’s some secret pact between you and these guests….when even your DH, who these guests have known far longer than they’ve known you and who they may actually want to give something to for his own sake, says to tell his mum.

It’s really not about you. The gifts from your parents, family, friends - those are about you. They’re for you personally. You’re just an incidental beneficiary of the gifts your MIL has asked about. I’m assuming she hasn’t asked about gifts from people on your side of the family, or your friends?

I don’t have adult children but it’s something I’d happily ask other family members or friends and would share if asked, yes. But I’m very open about money, can’t be doing with performative secrecy. There’s nothing confidential about gift giving imo - once it’s wish the recipient it’s up to them what they do with it and who they tell about it.

Yes, this. Just say her friends were very kind and lovely, but the thank you cards will go out in due course.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to know. It is probably so she can make sure she is generous enough back. I always tell my parents what their friends and close relatives give me, just so they know. If your mil’s friend Sally gave you a £100, then when Sallys son gets married your mother in law would want to give him £100. My best advice is to keep out of it, if her son wants to tell her, let him.

👏🏻 👏🏻 people literally like to make a mountain out of a mole hill!

This. Keep it simple - if she pushes for more details eg how much cash Uncle Brian gave, I’d say that’s between him and us, or if you don’t want to be that direct, say you didn’t note down amounts of cash.

Its nin if her business. Just say you dont feel comfortable doing that. It is a bit strange. Is she a nosey person?

Rewrite the list, put vouchers, cash, but no monetary value, if she asks, say you only noted what was given, not how much.

That's not what the OP has conveyed. Her MIL wants a bloody list of who gave what. Why would the friend even ask MIL if the OP has already sent a thank you note? As long as she doesn't send generic thank yous which don't mention what the person's gift was, it'll be fine.

A family friend's child recently had a baby and my mum asked what they gifted us when our baby was born. Think... two sets of grandparents gifting the opposite grandchildren presents.

I know that Mum just wanted to know so that she was making sure her gift was a reasonable one in return.

Is your MiL wanting the list for something similar? To be able to reciprocate gifts to her friend's children when they get married.

Does she want this list so she can say to them " Oh the vase you bought my son and daughter in law is exquisite" or "I know they'd mentioned that people were very generous with their gifting and have vouchers and money which they're saving up for..."

I know that you'll be thanking the friend's and I totally see why you don’t see the point in telling her. They're gifts you've been given. It's shouldn't be her business.

However, I do wonder if there's another reason behind WHY she's asking. It's up to you and your husband to decide if you want to tell her... and if you're ok with the reasons why.

I mean, I'm not sure that if I was a MiL, I'd be doing the same, but I'm trying to offer a possible explanation.

What if one of MIL's close friends gifted a lot less money than all her other friends? It is very likely that she would judge them for it and it could negatively affect her relationship with them.