AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

"Oh, Susan only gave you a gift worth £50... I was going to give her daughter a gift worth £100 but I'll give a cheaper one now instead". Weird!

I would discuss gifts with family generally, I wouldn't supply a list of exactly who gave me what and how much it cost.

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I wanted to mention MIL is typically kind/laid back because 1. I'm sure the request doesn't come from a nasty place – nosiness at the worst and 2. I want to maintain our good relationship and not make her feel uncomfortable.

That said, I also think the request for a list is unreasonable. MIL knows that the majority of these gifts are cash/vouchers rather than physical items, and my view is that it's up to the gift-givers whether that information is shared. It's tricky to navigate because it was unexpected – my family would never ask in a million years. Which is why I wanted some outsiders' perspective on how reasonable (or not!) it is to say no.

To those asking, there's no cultural element to this. And ordinarily I would pass it over to DH, but I spend a decent amount of time with MIL and she knows it was me who kept track of the gifts. It would be more awkward to get DH involved now!

But in this instance, you would be MIL's friend (as that is what the OP's MIL has asked for, a list of what her friends have gifted) - would it really bother you for your friend to know what you gifted her son for his wedding?

Odd to ask but when ds and dil got married, dil often said something like: ooh auntie Jane and Uncle John bougbt the dinner plates or of course I"ll wrote but we were so touched that your mum gave us £500. Osn't much of It just wedding chit chat? Or perhaps ot wasn't an issue because I didn't really care, although I did think mean cow when I heard sil gave a couple of plastic storage c9ntainers and I think we all rolled our eyes.

This is what throws me. It doesn't feel like it's up to them, or even me, but up to the people who gave the gifts?

Tel her you’ve sent your thank you notes and threw the list away so can’t remember who gave what

They're mostly old family friends who have known DH since he was a little baby, and who I have met a number of times over the past 10 years. We were happy to have them at the wedding, it certainly wasn't just obligation.

That’s totally bizarre and I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. My parents have asked before what their friends gave us as wedding gifts when going to the children of those friends’ weddings so that they know their gifts aren’t going to be massively over or under and make anyone uncomfortable. But other than that, I can see why they’d want to know

I would never have a baby shower, so at least I won't have to worry about that!

Be grateful for small mercies!

Could you compromise on just "these are the people who gave us gifts/cash etc and I've sent thank-you cards to" and leave it at that? Vague rather than "Sheila and Bob gave us £50 in John Lewis Vouchers".

Definitely be upfront and just say something like ‘Oh no I’m sorry I’m not comfortable doing that I wouldn’t want to highlight or embarrass anyone. But is it that you are worried that you’re giving out to little or too large gifts? I could give you a rough idea if that would help?’

that might be your reasoning, but most people wouldn't care if they give more, but would rather not give less

I can't even comprehend why it's such a "secret" if you receive an actual gift. People are weird.

presumably a baby shower if you had one would be YOUR friends, so a completely different scenario...

You can of course have one and invite your husband's old family friends, but that's unusual 😂

Why isn’t she asking her son

I would not be encouraging this by sharing the details @grapevinewine because the next thing it’s when you have kids, whom got them what?

Every birthday and Christmas. Maybe even Easter.

it’s just not details that need sharing with anyone outside of the two of you.

I can't understand why she wants this or why some pp think you should give her the list if there is or even if there isn't a cultural issue! Does she only want her side's gifts, or everyone's? I find this very unusual.

Don’t tell her! Yanbu.

Either lie and say you’ve deleted/thrown away the list because you’ve finished your thank you cards or just say it feels an uncomfortable thing to do and like you’re overstepping with people’s privacy.

I certainly wouldn’t tell her any specific monetary amounts if people gave cash - make out like you didn’t keep a record of amounts.

I would do something like this. Just edit your list and take out amounts and brands so it just reads Name and either Cash/Voucher/Dinner set

She may have some misplaced obligation to say thanks on your behalf or worry that you wont do it “properly”…(my MiL worries about this).

“Hi MIL, re: your enquiry about the gift list, I have sent all our thank you’s and have now misplaced my list in the post-wedding admin madness! But from
memory, we got some lovely homeware and a number vouchers and cash gifts, all of which will be put to good use”

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I don't think it's unusual for parents to want to know what has been gifted to a couple getting married. I got married ten years ago and spoke to my parents and in-laws about what their friends and others had gifted (although if was cash or vouchers I wouldn't have given the amount). I'm old enough to remember when before the wedding the bride's mother would invite female friends and family over for a show of the presents. They'd all be set out with little cards that said who had given what. That was common until the 1980s (although google suggests it may have been a Scottish thing) so it's possible that your MIL did something similar when she was a bride and thinks it's unusual to keep the gifts secret?

I'd keep being very wishy washy

"oh we got some lovely gifts, not sure who exactly sent what off the top of my head. I'm not as into presents as you are, we're just really grateful for everything" type responses and go ahead with thank you cards privately.

This is a good shout. I think the fact she specifically asked for The List™ threw me as it's detailed enough for us to personalise the thank you cards and feels wrong to share. It's also got my side of the family on so I'd have to edit them out. Instead I could just say her friends gifted us a mix of cash/vouchers between £x and £x, and hopefully that will suffice!

Can you just say that you don’t want to give cash or monetary amounts as that seems a bit vulgar but Joan got you some lovely silver spoons and Betty a pretty vase but you’re writing anyway to thank them.

I think if she’s a nice person she wants to be able to say “Grapevine was so pleased with her lampshade, thank you so much for thinking of something so thoughtful”.

PS - I don't think those saying "Just tell her you've lost the list now that you've written the thank you cards" are being particularly careful. If you MIL cares about who has given you what she'd probably find that quite shocking and ungrateful. Fifteen years after my wedding I could still tell you what most of our guests gave us a wedding gift, and I think of them when I use certain things especially those that are reserved for special occasions.

I think it would be reasonable to give her a list saying "Jean and Fred - toaster. Auntie Mary and Uncle Jim - cash" etc., since she's so interested. But it would be totally unreasonable, and very rude to the gift-givers, to say "Jean and Fred - Russell Hobbs toaster model 43XB. Auntie Mary and Uncle Jim - £75."