AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

[grapevinewine]

Short version: my MIL has asked me to share details of her friends’ wedding gifts to us. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Longer version: My MIL is a kind and generally laid back woman with lots of close friends. She has always attached a lot of meaning to gifts and cards. Every birthday she makes a point of counting them and telling us how many she’s received. Gifts don’t need to be fancy, but she clearly appreciates the recognition. Not a problem.

Her son and I got married recently. Quite a few relatives and family friends were invited to the wedding and, although we didn’t have a registry and said no gifts, a few still kindly gave us small gifts or amounts of money.

MIL has now asked for details of what their friends/family gave us for the wedding. She knows that I kept note of everything to write thank you cards. I feel uncomfortable with this. There are no secrets but it feels like it’s not my information to share. I suggested she ask her friends, but she said it would be easier to just get all the info in one go.

I honestly don’t think she could even say why she wants to know… it would probably make her happy to see her friends being generous, although there’s a small chance she wants to compare the info with amounts she’s given to their children in the past. Either way, she won't do anything with the information. But it feels like a tacky fixation and I don’t want to facilitate it!

My preference is to say no and repeat I’m very happy for her to ask her friends directly. DH thinks we should just send the list and not make it awkward. WWYD?

YABU - send the list
YANBU - don’t send the list

Could you just tell her you don’t feel comfortable sharing everyone’s exact amounts but lump all her friends in to two groups and say “we got £500 in cash from doris, felicity, susan, betty, nora and their menfolk, ….. and we got £500 in vouchers from delilah, cecilia, petulia, mamie, gertrude and their menfolk”.

she’ll probably be happy enough working out a ball park figure per couple.

i don’t think she wants the list; she’s just curious as to what you received and from whom.

I honestly can’t see anything wrong in that but think it’s really weird that you want to keep it a secret and make it a big issue. It’s a toaster!

I would tell her she has no need to worry as you'll be sending thank you cards to your guests. Hopefully she'll get the hint with that!

Can you tell her what you got but not who gifted them?

But wouldn't you think it was odd and crass if she asked them directly how much they had given OP? Why is it any better to set about finding out in a roundabout way?

I find it weird that you haven’t asked her why she wants to know. I wouldn’t be giving her a list, I’d be telling her to ask them herself. If she says no because it’s rude then that’s her decision isn’t it

I agree it's hard to be a MIL. I love my MIL – it's why I don't want to hurt her feelings or withhold things unnecessarily. But she didn't bring me up, and in my family we wouldn't dream of asking how much money someone gifted. It's clearly not a big deal for her, but it feels all kinds of wrong to me to share. This is why I came here for perspective. It looks like the room's divided too.

I wouldn’t care and get husband to message with details or tell her

To her face
”Sorry, I can’t recall exactly”
Behind her back
”None of your business “ 😳

I would not share details as she could use it to assess people on what they spent etc and could make them feel difficult. Just say you filed the list ages ago or no idea where it is right now and to ask people themselves, if she says it’s odd say I agree I don’t know why you need to know, only that we are very happy with what we have received.

It’s not private information and it can be helpful to know what people have got when it comes to reciprocating in future

There's nothing wrong with sharing what you got, she's interested in what her friends gave you. The level of secrecy some people have with basic information just because it's your in laws who asked it boggles my mind sometimes. Just tell her! You're not in MI5.

I'd give as little detail as possible of actual amounts while appearing to be going along with her request since your DH thinks she should know. Along the lines of "we got cash from x,y, & z, we got John Lewis vouchers from j, we got Amazon vouchers from c, champagne and flutes from k, etc etc" And then if she has the brass neck to ask for actual amounts it would not be unreasonable to say you don't understand why she wants to know this. People have suggested she might want an idea of amounts in case she needs to reciprocate for friends' children in future, but then she can explain herself.

I kind of agree with this. I will often say to my boys something like “can you remember what aunt Kate gave you when you got engaged?” not just because I’m nosy but I want to reciprocate in a similar fashion.

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but this is a red flag that you’ve likely got MIL troubles coming down the road.

This is invasive and controlling behaviour that is likely a symptom of something deeper. You’ll get those details perhaps further into your marriage.

Good luck.

A few posters have mentioned specific gifts as an example e.g. a toaster, or how in the past people would open gifts all together as a group. But the majority of these gifts were small amounts of money/vouchers, not physical items. MIL knows this. We specifically asked for no gifts and had no registry so I think people didn't want to buy us anything for the home.

I'm not trying keep anything a secret. I'm happy for MIL to know the amounts, but I don't feel comfortable being the one to tell her which is why I initially suggested she ask her friends.

Surely if you pander to this then every occasion is going to see you worrying about doing The List so mil is privvy to the details of every gift either of you ever receive..

How much did her friends give you ?
we are going to the wedding of our very good friends son. A London wedding and I do not know if I should gift £200 or £30. They have been friends 35 years .

I think this is nosey, tacky and vulgar.
She is completely over stepping.

Tell her not to worry, all cards have been dealt with.

This is a bit of a red flag.
It's really none of her business and so rude to ask.

My view is that this stuff is deeply and individually cultural and people who know MIL will know the score. I wouldn't interfere with it personally if that's how she does things. The way other people view gifts is always weird! I wouldn't give her the info myself though; I would let DH do it.

“I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to share that info, your friends will tell you if they want to”.

It's rude of her to ask, and it would be rude of you to tell her, in these circumstances. It's not as if something has come up in conversation where you can say 'oh so and so bought us one of those as a wedding gift'. It is like avaricious gossiping about what people spent.

I think you’re right to stand your ground. I would feel very uncomfortable with this.

Also it’s not really up to DH because he didn’t make the list.

I’d say ‘Sorry MIL, I checked on the internet and it’s considered very bad etiquette to share the monetary value of wedding gifts. So if you need to know for a particular reason you’ll have to ask the individuals & then it’s up to them if they want to tell you.’

Then change the subject. If she brings it up again ‘MIL, I’ve already said it would be inappropriate, so no.’

So then tell your DH to tell her! This really isn't complicated or difficult to navigate.

Could it be that she wants to make sure she matches the effort / cost if attending the wedding of said friends offspring?